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  • When We Break Up - Help, Need Lyric Input [new mix post #41!!]

    EDIT #2: FINAL (hopefully) mix here. Final recording lyrics here.


    Sorry for clogging up the board - the last one was unexpected! This one is urgent though, as I am recording female harmonies tonight and only just finished the lyric. I'm pretty happy with it as is but there some parts that could be stronger. Also, maybe I'm too close to it and missing something. Basic guitar vocal demo, both will be replaced in final. You guys are always awesome, so any input in the next 8 hours is appreciated.

    I bolded the specific lines I'm pressure testing, but if anything else strikes you, let me know! Thanks, all!

    http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12855952

    When We Break Up

    When we break up won’t it be our luck
    if we can ever fall in love again
    and we’ll pretend to still be friends
    and that we’ll find the world the same again
    but now the sun shines every day
    and keeps the real world far away
    and no one’s faking, no one lies
    and no hearts break and no love dies

    When we break up we’ll make up stuff
    we should have said to one another at the time
    and find new beds, friends shake their heads
    and say, “it’s such a shame, it’s such a crime”
    but now we hold on way too tight
    and kiss and make up every night
    but every sorry sounds less sincere
    and more like, ‘get me f&*king out of here’

    I can’t believe we wasted all this time
    Stuck in bed [too literal?]
    our interests would align, you said [something a douche-y guy would say, not a woman, does it work w me singing]
    can’t you see? – it’s easier just to stay [would prefer less vague language...'stay', ugh]

    but we can’t pretend – this thing can end
    in any other way


    when we break up it won’t be enough
    to know that you feel just as bad as me
    in separate hells we’ll tell ourselves [too strong? won't they be happier apart?]
    each was the first to up and walk away
    but now you lie down the next to me
    to consummate what used to be
    and for ten seconds feel ok [too specific? was originally 'a second']
    enough to come…back - another day
    Last edited by mbfrancis; 07-26-2014, 12:33 PM.

  • #2
    Cool tune... I like the way the lyrics flow.

    Perhaps:

    "I can't believe we wasted all this time"
    your letter read
    "our interests would align" you said


    My only suggestion that I can think of is to say 'a moment' rather than 'ten seconds'...



    Comment


    • #3
      Separate hells is a little melodramatic, but it works especially when "ourselves" comes along.

      I wish I had something else to offer with the bridge, but I think you are right to look for an alternative there.
      Don't listen to Justin.
      LCK - 2/21/2012

      Comment


      • #4
        "the leader read"...classy, takes it somewhere else. Must think on it.


        How about this, I like this --

        I can’t believe we wasted all this time
        Stuck in bed
        our interests would align, you said
        fine, I give - we'll put it off another day
        but let's not pretend – this thing can end
        in any other way


        EDIT - scratch this - it takes away from the last line.
        Last edited by mbfrancis; 07-14-2014, 02:25 PM.

        Comment


        • #5
          "our interests would align" doesn't sound right. It doesn't fit the rest of the language.

          Also, "won't it be our luck if we can ever fall in love again" doesn't really make sense to me.

          ...

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by rhino55 View Post
            "our interests would align" doesn't sound right. It doesn't fit the rest of the language.

            Also, "won't it be our luck if we can ever fall in love again" doesn't really make sense to me.

            Well the idea was that it was a female singer and 'our interests would align' was something her douche-y corporate boyfriend said. It's something I would say as a half-joke, but I'm kind of corporate now....any suggestions? (I like how it sounds and it's unconventional, so there's that.)

            "Won't it be our luck" sets the stage that they are doomed from the outset. I think the subtext is that neither will be happy either way. That's why 'separate hells' works a bit at the end, it's not like they're going to be mega-happy after the break-up. A criticism I got from a songwriter friend was that there were no sympathetic characters: we're both fake, we both lie, etc. Would it be stronger if the singer were the wronged one somehow? Dunno.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by bee3 View Post
              My only suggestion that I can think of is to say 'a moment' rather than 'ten seconds'...
              Yeah, I think I'm going to go back to "and for a second feel ok" - what I had until the last revision.

              Comment


              • #8
                I'm on my way out the door, so this is a pretty quick set of ideas...


                When we break up won’t it be our luck
                if we can never fall in love again
                and we’ll pretend to still be friends
                but no stars will shine above again
                the L.A. sun's out every day
                and keeps the real world far away
                we'll go on faking, telling lies
                like no hearts breaking, no love dies.

                When we break up we’ll make up stuff
                we should have told each other at the time
                we'll make new beds, friends shake their heads
                and say, “it’s such a shame, it’s such a crime”
                for now we hold on way too tight
                and kiss and make up every night
                but every sorry's less sincere
                and more like, ‘get me out of here’

                I can’t believe we wasted all this time
                stuck in bed our interests would align, you said
                what a stupid thing to stay
                but why pretend – this thing can end
                in any other way

                when we break up it's not enough
                to know that you feel just as bad as I
                in separate hells we’ll tell ourselves
                the other was the one who said goodbye
                but now you lie down the next to me
                to recreate what used to be
                I let you do that thing you do
                in the end i'll pretend i'm still in love with you.
                "I write from a different place. I do not even know what it is called, or if it has a name. It just comes and I sculpt it. But it is also a lot of hard work." —Van Morrison

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by LCK View Post
                  I'm on my way out the door, so this is a pretty quick set of ideas...


                  When we break up won’t it be our luck
                  if we can never fall in love again
                  and we’ll pretend to still be friends
                  but no stars will shine above again
                  the L.A. sun's out every day
                  and keeps the real world far away
                  we'll go on faking, telling lies
                  like no hearts breaking, no love dies.

                  When we break up we’ll make up stuff
                  we should have told each other at the time
                  we'll make new beds, friends shake their heads
                  and say, “it’s such a shame, it’s such a crime”
                  for now we hold on way too tight
                  and kiss and make up every night
                  but every sorry's less sincere
                  and more like, ‘get me out of here’

                  I can’t believe we wasted all this time
                  stuck in bed our interests would align, you said
                  what a stupid thing to stay
                  but why pretend – this thing can end
                  in any other way

                  when we break up it's not enough
                  to know that you feel just as bad as I
                  in separate hells we’ll tell ourselves
                  the other was the one who said goodbye
                  but now you lie down the next to me
                  to recreate what used to be
                  I let you do that thing you do
                  in the end i'll pretend i'm still in love with you.

                  Wow that's polished as hell. "What a stupid thing to say." This is the version I will pitch to some cabaret or pop singer *after* my rough-edged crude version gets some traction.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Really nice.
                    I think the final verse is fine as it is.
                    The bridge does need a tweak as you have suggested.
                    LCK's bridge is good by using the 'stupid' line to qualify the motive in the preceding line, because I don't think it comes across as something said by a third party in your original.
                    'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
                    CHARLIE PARKER

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      OK so this is where we landed tonight. Not much different -- I'll need to live with a bit before I make any changes. Very much appreciate everyone's input. LCK's re-write is truly remarkable, it's pretty much 100% ready for a cabaret or jazz singer. "What a stupid thing to say," wow. I should find a trio to come up with an arrangement,

                      Thanks again!

                      When We Break Up

                      When we break up won’t it be our luck
                      if we can ever fall in love again
                      and we’ll pretend to still be friends
                      and that we’ll find the world the same again
                      but now the sun shines every day
                      and keeps the real world far away
                      where no one’s faking, no one lies
                      and no hearts break and no love dies

                      When we break up we’ll make up stuff
                      we should have said to one another at the time
                      and find new beds, friends shake their heads
                      and say, “it’s such a shame, it’s such a crime”
                      but now we hold on way too tight
                      and kiss and make up every night
                      but every sorry sounds less sincere
                      and more like, ‘get me f&*king out of here’

                      I can’t believe we wasted all this time
                      Stuck in bed
                      our interests would align, you said
                      can’t you see? – it’d be easier just to stay
                      but we can’t pretend – this thing can end
                      in any other way

                      when we break up it won’t be enough
                      to know that you feel just as bad as me
                      in separate hells we’ll tell ourselves
                      each was the first to up and walk away
                      but now you lie down the next to me
                      to consummate what used to be
                      and for a second feel ok
                      enough to come…back - another day

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I love it all, but that second verse just kills me... just great.
                        __________
                        Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Here's a super rough mix. It's mostly simple unison stuff, the end of the second verse and bridge just kill me though.

                          [EDIT: link removed...scroll down for update]
                          Last edited by mbfrancis; 07-16-2014, 01:46 AM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Lovely. I think you need to bring the vocals up a lot but it's otherwise there.
                            Don't listen to Justin.
                            LCK - 2/21/2012

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Oswlek View Post
                              Lovely. I think you need to bring the vocals up a lot but it's otherwise there.
                              Thanks - yeah, a little editing and some pitch (mostly me) and we're good.

                              Comment



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