Members mbfrancis Posted July 14, 2014 Members Share Posted July 14, 2014 EDIT #2: FINAL (hopefully) mix here. Final recording lyrics here. Sorry for clogging up the board - the last one was unexpected! This one is urgent though, as I am recording female harmonies tonight and only just finished the lyric. I'm pretty happy with it as is but there some parts that could be stronger. Also, maybe I'm too close to it and missing something. Basic guitar vocal demo, both will be replaced in final. You guys are always awesome, so any input in the next 8 hours is appreciated. I bolded the specific lines I'm pressure testing, but if anything else strikes you, let me know! Thanks, all! http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12855952 When We Break Up When we break up won’t it be our luck if we can ever fall in love again and we’ll pretend to still be friends and that we’ll find the world the same again but now the sun shines every day and keeps the real world far away and no one’s faking, no one lies and no hearts break and no love dies When we break up we’ll make up stuff we should have said to one another at the time and find new beds, friends shake their heads and say, “it’s such a shame, it’s such a crime” but now we hold on way too tight and kiss and make up every night but every sorry sounds less sincere and more like, ‘get me f&*king out of here’ I can’t believe we wasted all this time Stuck in bed [too literal?] our interests would align, you said [something a douche-y guy would say, not a woman, does it work w me singing] can’t you see? – it’s easier just to stay [would prefer less vague language...'stay', ugh] but we can’t pretend – this thing can end in any other way when we break up it won’t be enough to know that you feel just as bad as me in separate hells we’ll tell ourselves [too strong? won't they be happier apart?] each was the first to up and walk away but now you lie down the next to me to consummate what used to be and for ten seconds feel ok [too specific? was originally 'a second'] enough to come…back - another day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted July 14, 2014 Members Share Posted July 14, 2014 Cool tune... I like the way the lyrics flow. Perhaps: "I can't believe we wasted all this time"your letter read"our interests would align" you said My only suggestion that I can think of is to say 'a moment' rather than 'ten seconds'... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted July 14, 2014 Members Share Posted July 14, 2014 Separate hells is a little melodramatic, but it works especially when "ourselves" comes along. I wish I had something else to offer with the bridge, but I think you are right to look for an alternative there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 14, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 14, 2014 "the leader read"...classy, takes it somewhere else. Must think on it. How about this, I like this -- I can’t believe we wasted all this timeStuck in bedour interests would align, you saidfine, I give - we'll put it off another daybut let's not pretend – this thing can endin any other way EDIT - scratch this - it takes away from the last line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted July 14, 2014 Members Share Posted July 14, 2014 "our interests would align" doesn't sound right. It doesn't fit the rest of the language. Also, "won't it be our luck if we can ever fall in love again" doesn't really make sense to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 14, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 14, 2014 "our interests would align" doesn't sound right. It doesn't fit the rest of the language. Also, "won't it be our luck if we can ever fall in love again" doesn't really make sense to me. Well the idea was that it was a female singer and 'our interests would align' was something her douche-y corporate boyfriend said. It's something I would say as a half-joke, but I'm kind of corporate now....any suggestions? (I like how it sounds and it's unconventional, so there's that.) "Won't it be our luck" sets the stage that they are doomed from the outset. I think the subtext is that neither will be happy either way. That's why 'separate hells' works a bit at the end, it's not like they're going to be mega-happy after the break-up. A criticism I got from a songwriter friend was that there were no sympathetic characters: we're both fake, we both lie, etc. Would it be stronger if the singer were the wronged one somehow? Dunno. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 14, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 14, 2014 My only suggestion that I can think of is to say 'a moment' rather than 'ten seconds'... Yeah, I think I'm going to go back to "and for a second feel ok" - what I had until the last revision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted July 14, 2014 Members Share Posted July 14, 2014 I'm on my way out the door, so this is a pretty quick set of ideas... When we break up won’t it be our luckif we can never fall in love againand we’ll pretend to still be friendsbut no stars will shine above againthe L.A. sun's out every dayand keeps the real world far awaywe'll go on faking, telling lieslike no hearts breaking, no love dies. When we break up we’ll make up stuffwe should have told each other at the timewe'll make new beds, friends shake their headsand say, “it’s such a shame, it’s such a crime”for now we hold on way too tightand kiss and make up every nightbut every sorry's less sincereand more like, ‘get me out of here’ I can’t believe we wasted all this timestuck in bed our interests would align, you saidwhat a stupid thing to staybut why pretend – this thing can endin any other way when we break up it's not enoughto know that you feel just as bad as Iin separate hells we’ll tell ourselvesthe other was the one who said goodbyebut now you lie down the next to meto recreate what used to beI let you do that thing you doin the end i'll pretend i'm still in love with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 15, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 I'm on my way out the door, so this is a pretty quick set of ideas... When we break up won’t it be our luck if we can never fall in love again and we’ll pretend to still be friends but no stars will shine above again the L.A. sun's out every day and keeps the real world far away we'll go on faking, telling lies like no hearts breaking, no love dies. When we break up we’ll make up stuff we should have told each other at the time we'll make new beds, friends shake their heads and say, “it’s such a shame, it’s such a crime” for now we hold on way too tight and kiss and make up every night but every sorry's less sincere and more like, ‘get me out of here’ I can’t believe we wasted all this time stuck in bed our interests would align, you said what a stupid thing to stay but why pretend – this thing can end in any other way when we break up it's not enough to know that you feel just as bad as I in separate hells we’ll tell ourselves the other was the one who said goodbye but now you lie down the next to me to recreate what used to be I let you do that thing you do in the end i'll pretend i'm still in love with you. Wow that's polished as hell. "What a stupid thing to say." This is the version I will pitch to some cabaret or pop singer *after* my rough-edged crude version gets some traction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted July 15, 2014 Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 Really nice.I think the final verse is fine as it is.The bridge does need a tweak as you have suggested.LCK's bridge is good by using the 'stupid' line to qualify the motive in the preceding line, because I don't think it comes across as something said by a third party in your original. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 15, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 OK so this is where we landed tonight. Not much different -- I'll need to live with a bit before I make any changes. Very much appreciate everyone's input. LCK's re-write is truly remarkable, it's pretty much 100% ready for a cabaret or jazz singer. "What a stupid thing to say," wow. I should find a trio to come up with an arrangement, Thanks again! When We Break Up When we break up won’t it be our luckif we can ever fall in love againand we’ll pretend to still be friendsand that we’ll find the world the same againbut now the sun shines every dayand keeps the real world far awaywhere no one’s faking, no one liesand no hearts break and no love dies When we break up we’ll make up stuffwe should have said to one another at the timeand find new beds, friends shake their headsand say, “it’s such a shame, it’s such a crime”but now we hold on way too tightand kiss and make up every nightbut every sorry sounds less sincereand more like, ‘get me f&*king out of here’ I can’t believe we wasted all this timeStuck in bed our interests would align, you said can’t you see? – it’d be easier just to stay but we can’t pretend – this thing can endin any other way when we break up it won’t be enoughto know that you feel just as bad as mein separate hells we’ll tell ourselves each was the first to up and walk awaybut now you lie down the next to meto consummate what used to beand for a second feel ok enough to come…back - another day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 15, 2014 Moderators Share Posted July 15, 2014 I love it all, but that second verse just kills me... just great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 15, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 Here's a super rough mix. It's mostly simple unison stuff, the end of the second verse and bridge just kill me though. [EDIT: link removed...scroll down for update] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted July 15, 2014 Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 Lovely. I think you need to bring the vocals up a lot but it's otherwise there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 15, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 15, 2014 Lovely. I think you need to bring the vocals up a lot but it's otherwise there. Thanks - yeah, a little editing and some pitch (mostly me) and we're good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 16, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 16, 2014 Here's a better mix - I was right, all the pitch issues were all me: I really need to re-track the vocal when I'm better rested. Otherwise it's done though...sweet! http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12858221 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted July 17, 2014 Members Share Posted July 17, 2014 Couple of minor things from me - great song When we break up won’t it be our luckif we can ever fall in love againand we’ll pretend to still be friendsand that we’ll find the world the same againbut now the sun shines every dayand keeps the real world far awaywhere no one’s faking, no one liesNO HEARTS BREAKING, and no love dies (maybe faking and breaking should tie in?) When we break up we’ll make up stuffwe should have said to one another at the timeand find new beds, friends shake their headsand say, “it’s such a shame, it’s such a crime”but now we hold on way too tightand kiss and make up every nightbut every sorry IS less sincere (i think the shorter word may sing better)and more like, ‘get me f&*king out of here’ I can’t believe we wasted all this timeStuck in bedour interests would align, you saidcan’t you see? – it’s SIMPLER just to stay (maybe? I dunno it feels a little wordy as is)but we can’t pretend – this thing can endin any other way when we break up it won’t be enoughto know that you feel just as bad as mein separate hells we’ll tell ourselveseach was the first to up and walk awaybut now you lie down the next to meto consummate what used to beand for a second feel okenough to come…back - another day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted July 17, 2014 Members Share Posted July 17, 2014 Hey Martin - this really is a great tune. I really love the guitar... the piano (although I think it can play a more prominent role)... all great. I love your voice on it as well... BUT... I'm not so sure that her voice and your voice have the right chemistry. I can't really put my finger on it, but I'd just as soon here it with just you singing... Nothing against her voice... I'm sure it's lovely on its own. That said, it does sound better when you go into the harmonies on the bridge. So maybe it's just the unison part that is rubbing me wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted July 17, 2014 Members Share Posted July 17, 2014 How about "play" instead of "stay"? It still rhymes, and it fits, because it implies faking it, going through the motions, acting, pretending. When love becomes a game, the game is over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 17, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 17, 2014 Hey Stick- I actually did use "a second" in the final. The others are great suggestions. Break/fake wasn't meant to rhyme, just tick tock on the quarter note melody. Hmmm, good stuff. Yeah, I'm still not crazy about most of the bridge, from "our interests" to "to stay." People had some great suggestions (esp. LCK), but I think it might need a root/branch re-write to bring it up to the rest of the song. Re: female voice, I saw this as a super intimate, raw almost-duet. If it's not adding some intensity or intimacy to it, I'm doing something wrong. I have her singing melody and harmony throughout, so I may play around with trading off, etc. I'm not wed to having her, but I think it's lovely. Plus it's just more fun working with other people I found (and more productive). I'm glad no one's commented on the profanity, which I put a lot of thought into. I will have a clean version lopping off the two beats ("more like get me out of here") but I don't think it will be as strong. Also stoked no one commented on the me/away "rhyme" at the end, something I've only heard Billy Bragg pull off! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 17, 2014 Moderators Share Posted July 17, 2014 Man... this is great. I love the way the lyric on the page just came to life. It's really beautiful. Not what I was expecting. Your guitar part working concurrently with that great melody... nice. The melody's simple but substantial. When paired with the guitar part... wow. It really is something. And I like her voice here, myself. She's got a cute character happening. Nice, funny, touching little moment on the effing line. The only input I could offer would lessen it. For me, you nailed it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 17, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 17, 2014 The melody's simple but substantial. When paired with the guitar part... wow. It really is something. And I like her voice here' date=' myself. She's got a cute character happening. Nice, funny, touching little moment on the effing line.[/quote'] Oh cool, Lee, thanks, very glad you dig it. What was unique here for me was that the guitar part came *first*: the melody in the back half of the verse literally just follows the low guitar string, first a third below and then a third above. And yeah, may favorite lines of hers are the acting/character lines. Thanks again, Lee, although I *always* appreciate input...definitely don't think this is 100% nailed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted July 17, 2014 Members Share Posted July 17, 2014 It's a wonderful tune, very well arranged. But I don't get the reason for the two voices. If they each traded lines, that would be one thing. Or if one sang harmony, that would be good too. But to have her come in halfway through the first verse was jarring for me, especially since she's not singing harmony. What am I missing in terms of the rationale for this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 17, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 17, 2014 It's a wonderful tune, very well arranged. But I don't get the reason for the two voices. If they each traded lines, that would be one thing. Or if one sang harmony, that would be good too. But to have her come in halfway through the first verse was jarring for me, especially since she's not singing harmony. What am I missing in terms of the rationale for this? Short answer is because it's pretty and I like it. Also because it's fun singing with other people - I get sick of my voice. Like I say above, I saw this as a super intimate, raw duet-kind of thing. I will probably leave her off the first verse. I'm going to mess with placement of the vocals maybe have me switch to harmony. We'll see - I'm not wedded to any of it, just happy to finish it (whether I tweak the bridge lyric or not, this is a finished version, I'm proud of it.). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 17, 2014 Moderators Share Posted July 17, 2014 Well given that it's a first draft rights it's pretty freaking good first draft. There's also a case to be made for making a sing-along. Or you could do some cool harmonizing like they do on the stage. Without going Broadway on it, you could definitely borrow some nice arrangement tricks the way they use male and female voices and some Broadway productions. But I got to say, I do like the way it sounds as an informal sing-along kind of thing. Interesting that you point out that the melody follows the bassline of the guitar part. So that's a damn guitar part! :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.