Would Like Some Input On A Song: Well Runs Dry

[BenStoller]

Here is a song I wrote entitled Well Runs Dry.

 

https://soundcloud.com/benjaminstoller/well-runs-dry

 

I'd like to get some feedback on the song itself. I can't sing or play worth a damn, but I could see more talented performers making something of my songs.

 

Here are the lyrics:

 

Well Runs Dry - by Ben Stoller © 2014

 

Verse:

My radio was drowned out by the factory siren

Workers lined up for their hard earned pay

I had to get away from the boredom and dejection

I tried to keep believing but it slipped away

 

Verse:

I hitched a ride down southbound Highway 67

In no real hurry to get anywhere

Scored a ride in the back of a beat up Chevy pickup

Lay against my duffel bag in the open air

 

Verse:

We found each other in a downtown cafe

You were reading poetry and drinking tea

We talked about the war and we talked about music

You were trying to decide what you wanted to be.

 

Verse:

The campus clock tower showed quarter after four

I walked you home under your neighborhood trees,

A Palladian villa with columns and tall windows

Surprised you'd want to be seen with somebody like me?

 

Verse:

We got a small apartment in the south-end of the Village

All the poets and actors you'd want to meet

We danced that night and rode home in a carriage

Pulled by two horses through the city streets

 

Solo over verse chords

 

Verse:

She headed back home on that rainy day in fall

From the train window she waved goodbye

She said we'd keep on going but I knew that wouldn't happen.

You never miss your water until the well runs dry

 

Chorus:

Slurries of mud banks and stones

Champagne and plans postponed

There ain’t no denying that I’m addicted to you

Had to find out the hard way

Maybe we’ll meet again some day

 

Verse:

We lost each other in open waters,

swimming back through the undertow

We sailed through the sorrows of life's marauders

And crashed into the shore, how was I to know.

 

Verse:

We are the shadows of our own making

We’ve all been hurt, it's our destiny

She was chasing butterflies, puppy dogs, and rainbows

I was following train tracks into the sea

 

(chorus)

[rickidoo]

I immediately liked the vibe of the song. A slight sense of Jim Croce. A good thing!

 

Your vocals work nicely for this song. Don't knock them.

 

A thought the verses went on too long before hitting the chorus.

 

Lyrics held my interest as a story song.

 

The chorus, melodically, was not up to the level of the verses. I think it could be finessed to work however. The verses tell a tail, and the story grows in tension, but the chorus, to me, doesn't release it musically.

 

Keep it going!!! I REALLY like what is taking root here.

[oldgitplayer]

I think it's a good narrative song, but I see opportunities for refinement. Here are my thoughts:

 

1. A number of the lines have too many syllables so the singer is forced to rush them. for example

Surprised you'd want to be seen with somebody like me? would sing better as Surprised you'd want to be with someone like me?

and

You never miss your water until the well runs dry would sing better as You never miss your water 'til the well runs dry

There are others, but I'll leave you to do the exercise of finding them.

 

2. The song is 5 minutes long, and it could be shortened if you want. The 1st two verses are surplus to the needs of the song. Consider dropping them and start the song with 'We found each other…...'

I find it a more interesting opener than you being bored and dejected and hitching a ride on the back of a pickup - done to death - yawn…….

 

3. I agree with Rick that the Chorus is melodically less than the verses. I too would suggest you work on that.

But also the subject matter of the Chorus misses an opportunity. It's an old technique, but has stood the test of time. That is - using the song title as a melodic and lyric hook that repeats.

Where you finish the verse with You never miss your water 'til the well runs dry - Keep that but re-introduce it again in the chorus.

And sustain the metaphor in the Chorus. You can develop something better than this (which is off the top of my head), but something like:

 

When a well runs dry you still need water

You can look to the earth or for rain in the sky

Some things we take for granted and learn the hard way

That you never miss the water 'til the well runs dry

 

Anyway - chew this over and see if there's anything you can use…….

 

[Mikeo]

Kinda cool, but it's like 3 minutes in to the song before you get to the chorus.

 

Might want to shorten up the verses and get to the chorus sooner.

 

That's might be just me

 

Chorus:

Slurries of mud banks and stones

Champagne and plans postponed

There ain’t no denying that I’m addicted to you

Had to find out the hard way

Maybe we’ll meet again some day

 

 

Verse:

She headed back home on that rainy day in fall

From the train window she waved goodbye

She said we'd keep on going but I knew that wouldn't happen.

You never miss your water until the well runs dry

 

What I might suggest it to take the best parts of the that verse that mentions the well running dry and the best of the chorus and get yourself a chorus that hits home.

 

I'm suggesting some thing like this

 

From the mud banks of stones

Champagne plans postponed

Found out the hard way, will meet again someday

From the train window she waved goodbye

You never miss your water until the well runs dry

 

 

I would also edit out all unnecessary works from the verses.

 

example

 

hitched a ride southbound Highway 67

No hurry to get anywhere

Scored a ride in a beat up pickup

Laying against my duffel bag, in the open air

[BenStoller]

I immediately liked the vibe of the song. A slight sense of Jim Croce. A good thing!

 

Your vocals work nicely for this song. Don't knock them.

 

A thought the verses went on too long before hitting the chorus.

 

Lyrics held my interest as a story song.

 

The chorus, melodically, was not up to the level of the verses. I think it could be finessed to work however. The verses tell a tail, and the story grows in tension, but the chorus, to me, doesn't release it musically.

 

Keep it going!!! I REALLY like what is taking root here.

Thanks, rick! People used to tell me I looked like Jim Croce when I was younger. Not so much any more.

[BenStoller]

I think it's a good narrative song, but I see opportunities for refinement. Here are my thoughts:

 

1. A number of the lines have too many syllables so the singer is forced to rush them. for example

Surprised you'd want to be seen with somebody like me? would sing better as Surprised you'd want to be with someone like me?

and

You never miss your water until the well runs dry would sing better as You never miss your water 'til the well runs dry

There are others, but I'll leave you to do the exercise of finding them.

 

2. The song is 5 minutes long, and it could be shortened if you want. The 1st two verses are surplus to the needs of the song. Consider dropping them and start the song with 'We found each other…...'

I find it a more interesting opener than you being bored and dejected and hitching a ride on the back of a pickup - done to death - yawn…….

 

3. I agree with Rick that the Chorus is melodically less than the verses. I too would suggest you work on that.

But also the subject matter of the Chorus misses an opportunity. It's an old technique, but has stood the test of time. That is - using the song title as a melodic and lyric hook that repeats.

Where you finish the verse with You never miss your water 'til the well runs dry - Keep that but re-introduce it again in the chorus.

And sustain the metaphor in the Chorus. You can develop something better than this (which is off the top of my head), but something like:

 

When a well runs dry you still need water

You can look to the earth or for rain in the sky

Some things we take for granted and learn the hard way

That you never miss the water 'til the well runs dry

 

Anyway - chew this over and see if there's anything you can use…….

I tried the song without the first two verses and a chorus after the verse about the girl's neighborhood, and it's like the difference between an album cut and a pop song. But it works! I'll re-record it in the new format. I'll also fool around with your other suggestions.

 

Thanks for your help!

Ben

[BenStoller]

Kinda cool, but it's like 3 minutes in to the song before you get to the chorus.

 

Might want to shorten up the verses and get to the chorus sooner.

 

That's might be just me

 

Chorus:

Slurries of mud banks and stones

Champagne and plans postponed

There ain’t no denying that I’m addicted to you

Had to find out the hard way

Maybe we’ll meet again some day

 

 

Verse:

She headed back home on that rainy day in fall

From the train window she waved goodbye

She said we'd keep on going but I knew that wouldn't happen.

You never miss your water until the well runs dry

 

What I might suggest it to take the best parts of the that verse that mentions the well running dry and the best of the chorus and get yourself a chorus that hits home.

 

I'm suggesting some thing like this

 

From the mud banks of stones

Champagne plans postponed

Found out the hard way, will meet again someday

From the train window she waved goodbye

You never miss your water until the well runs dry

 

 

I would also edit out all unnecessary works from the verses.

 

example

 

hitched a ride southbound Highway 67

No hurry to get anywhere

Scored a ride in a beat up pickup

Laying against my duffel bag, in the open air

Good suggestions, Mike! I'm eliminating the first two verses and adding another chorus to make it an AAB-AAB-AAB format. I'll think about your suggestions when re-writing it.

 

Thanks!

Ben

[Mikeo]

oldgitplayer is right about the wordy ness of the lyrics. There not much breathing room

[Oswlek]

Hey Ben, listening over here and I still feel like this song is begging to be a 2:30 pleasure ride. I know you wanted to see how it sounded to stretch things in a different direction, but it feels to me like you are working against what the song wants. I like that you are looking at a more standard format, but I'd consider dropping even more verses and run with a AABABAB format.

 

Oh, and I still think that you might want to rewrite the chorus to something that pops a little more.