Members bee3 Posted June 27, 2014 Members Share Posted June 27, 2014 I've emerged from my rock... made myself get into the studio last night to lay down this idea that's been in my head. Just a verse and chorus so far... http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page...ongID=12837430 Back and Forth We've broken into two what was once was oneWe've shattered all the joys that once were funYet every time I fall you pick me up againBrush me off and send me packing Back and forth we drift into each other's consciousnessThe world is pushing us to be together love... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted June 27, 2014 Moderators Share Posted June 27, 2014 Yeah... I like it. I especially like the half time chorus and its melody. Off the top of my head, I can see that the 2nd verse wants to be very different in arrangement than V1. Either V1 is no chucka guitar then it gets introduced in V2 or you break V2 way down. Or you go to an alt verse melody or something. I don't know why I say that other than as I listened it felt the need to shift gears instead of restate V1 identically. Anyway, cart before the horse and I'm probably wrong. Nice, nice start! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted June 27, 2014 Members Share Posted June 27, 2014 Definitely something there. I agree with Lee that the half-time chorus is really cool. The one thing that bugged me is probably just personal taste. As a writer and a listener, I've grown tired of love songs, particularly when the melody and atmosphere is cool enough to carry a more unique story. Again, probably just me, but I had a twinge of disappointment that the lyric didn't take a cue from the music and go somewhere more interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 27, 2014 Members Share Posted June 27, 2014 As a writer and a listener' date=' I've grown tired of love songs, particularly when the melody and atmosphere is cool enough to carry a more unique story.[/quote'] Yes, but this has got the beginnings of an interesting love story. Nice tune so far. The bass and drums are great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted June 27, 2014 Members Share Posted June 27, 2014 I've emerged from my rock... And there was me thinking you'ld been basking in the sunshine of all those excellent EP reviews…... I think the new track is good (Don't listen to Justin). Reading the lyric didn't grab my attention, but it all hangs together as words and music when listening (as it often happens). So goforit……. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted June 28, 2014 Moderators Share Posted June 28, 2014 The world is pushing us to be together... Love Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted June 28, 2014 Moderators Share Posted June 28, 2014 The world is pushing us to be together... Love Whoops. I didn't mean to post that line along. But that line is the crux of the song for me. All the back and forth at first had me a little disappointed too, but the idea of having that resolve and knowing the world is pushing you two together. That makes it fly right there. I suppose that was what I was hearing when I suggested changing out the second verse somewhat. Maybe it's a point of view issue that could be explored in that second verse. Magnet and steel, rivers and ocean. But something with a real back-and-forth not just a one-way attraction or repulsion. Some detail about wanting sugar in your tea and not wanting sugar in your tea. I think exploring other natural occurrences of this on and off again would be really interesting. I really think there is something there and what you've done Justin. And just to restate, the way you work the melody on the lyrics in the chorus is golden. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted June 28, 2014 Author Members Share Posted June 28, 2014 Thanks everyone. It's the chorus that I really like and has been in my head for months. I'm not sure what direction to take it yet... but it will be on my mind until I can get something going on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted June 30, 2014 Members Share Posted June 30, 2014 The one thing that bugged me is probably just personal taste. As a writer and a listener' date=' I've grown tired of love songs, particularly when the melody and atmosphere is cool enough to carry a more unique story.[/quote'] Yes, but this has got the beginnings of an interesting love story. I always have listened to Justin....always. Love and its attendant emotions...desire, need, etc., are always excellent fodder for songs because of their intensity and depth. I agree that they can get boring if they are not plumbed deeply enough to discover all of the hidden subtle nuance of such a complex set of emotions. In this case I like the back and forth aspect. I just finished one that is a good example......lingering love that may be hindering a breakup. Smile. I won't post it here......it's at the top of my linked catalog. I like how this song starts musically....that guitar sounds pretty good....especially as it gets close to breaking up a little. Love the chorus....I can tell that it has been with you for a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted July 5, 2014 Members Share Posted July 5, 2014 Definitely something there. I agree with Lee that the half-time chorus is really cool. The one thing that bugged me is probably just personal taste. As a writer and a listener, I've grown tired of love songs, particularly when the melody and atmosphere is cool enough to carry a more unique story. Again, probably just me, but I had a twinge of disappointment that the lyric didn't take a cue from the music and go somewhere more interesting. Yeah, love songs bug me, too - there are so many other interesting things to write about.* At heart, I'm just an eternal eleven-year-old. But most music fans like love songs, and I'm pretty sure that anyone who does would like Bee's. Tight, catchy. The understated guitar parts are real ear candy. My advice to Bee: Just keep going - you're on a wave! Del *Some of my favorites: Food, booze, cowboys, cowgirls, cars, trains, trucks, bars, diners, guitars, salvation, redemption, damnation, life, death, fate, going home, leaving home, the road, working-class heroes, desperadoes, troubadours, gamblers, prophets, fools, hoboes, bums. Of course, all those can be love songs, too. Sometimes it just depends on point of view. Is "El Paso" a love song, a gun, song, cantina song, or a horse song? Quien Sabe? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 6, 2014 Moderators Share Posted July 6, 2014 I got no problem with love songs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted July 6, 2014 Members Share Posted July 6, 2014 I've emerged from my rock... made myself get into the studio last night to lay down this idea that's been in my head. Just a verse and chorus so far... http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=1156187&songID=12837430 Back and Forth We've broken into two what was once was one We've shattered all the joys that once were fun Yet every time I fall you pick me up again Brush me off and send me packing Back and forth we drift into each other's consciousness The world is pushing us to be together love... Loven this, particularly the force of the chorus. Looking foward to hearing more! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Delmont Posted July 6, 2014 Members Share Posted July 6, 2014 I got no problem with love songs. Bee's is a good one. He's got the gift for finding that place between too general (a Hallmark card) and too specific (a tweet). The theme of yo-yo relationships ("You Keep Me Hanging On," "It Hurts To Be Kind," "Bits and Pieces," "Hello, It's Me") has stood the test of time, and Bee has come up with a new spin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted July 8, 2014 Members Share Posted July 8, 2014 Hey Justin this is really wonderful Feels like two different songs, in a good way. The chorus is trippy in a way I could never write. very cool. It feels like there should be even more of tone a shift on "love"...like the song should stop, or go half time (or quarter time I guess). Or it needs some trippy sounds. I'd call it "Back and Forth (We Drift)." Just seeing it called "Back and Forth" kind of bummed me out...irrational I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted July 8, 2014 Members Share Posted July 8, 2014 Like this lots so far, its VERY you. I'd maybe say this We've broken into two what once was oneWe've shattered all the JOY that once WAS fun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted July 8, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 8, 2014 I'm going to keep the theme... I have no issue with love songs as long as they're not cheesy... and I'm hoping this one isn't. Martin - I like your idea for the 'love' part. So I have an idea for the 2nd verse... but am struggling with the last line. The first two lines will depart from the original melody, but the second two will be in the same pattern as in the first verse. We've broken into two what was once was oneWe've shattered all the joy that once was funYet every time I fall you pick me up againBrush me off and send me packing Back and forth we drift into each other's consciousnessThe world is pushing us to be together love... We are kind of like the land and seaWhen waves reach the shore eventuallyA moment in the sun, we exist as oneBut dissipate in the whitewater I'm not crazy about the last line... but hopefully it gets across the point. Could use some different language suggestions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 8, 2014 Moderators Share Posted July 8, 2014 I like it! Some ideas to either convince you you already have it or to spur you on... We are kind of like the land and seaWhen waves reach the shore eventuallyA moment in the sun, we exist as oneBut dissipate in the whitewater We are kind of like the land and seaWhen waves reach the shore eventuallyA moment in the sun, we exist as oneThen pulled apart / away / back home / from home by the hungry tide / undercurrent / undertow / eddy's swirl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted July 8, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 8, 2014 Yeah, I was thinking at first something about the waves crashing on shore... but then things slipping away as the water or energy retreats back into deeper water. But couldn't figure out how to word it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted July 8, 2014 Members Share Posted July 8, 2014 Even if you keep the last line, V2 is a terrific stanza, the best of the song, IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted July 8, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 8, 2014 Thanks Justin. I may lay it down to see how it sounds... but am open to suggestion. I was hoping you guys would like the verse. It took me two weeks to think of it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted July 9, 2014 Members Share Posted July 9, 2014 The metaphor is good but needs tidying up.How about: We are like the sand and the seaWhere waves reach the shore eventuallyFor a moment as one, we are then undoneAs lunar tides determine our fate (Ebbing tides determine our fate) (As the tides determine our fate) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted July 9, 2014 Members Share Posted July 9, 2014 I love the whitewater bit, wonderfully visual, so maybe merging a few ideas... We are like the sand and the seaWhere waves reach the shore eventuallyFor a moment as one, we are then undoneDissipating in the white water Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted July 9, 2014 Members Share Posted July 9, 2014 If I was keeping 'white water', then I would use Lee's suggestion: Pulled apart in the white water 'Dissipating' feels non-lyrical to me, but then again, Justin might make it sound right when singing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted July 9, 2014 Author Members Share Posted July 9, 2014 Dissipating is definitely awkward, but whitewater sings well. I either need to go with a "pulled back into the ocean" theme OR a "dissipating in the whitewater" theme. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted July 9, 2014 Moderators Share Posted July 9, 2014 I remember when you thought you couldn't write, Justin. You seem to have the heart and mind for this thing. I love to watch your mind work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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