Members Oswlek Posted June 16, 2014 Members Share Posted June 16, 2014 Since my studio has been commandeered by my daughter for use as a bedroom during the remodel, I have to find other ways to remain active with songwriting. To that end, I was digging through the archives and stumbled upon this one, written and scratch recorded nearly a decade ago. Definitely some rough spots, and it drags on way too long at the end, but I feel like there is a spark worth developing in here. There's a Way V1 Every now and then you will find No reason or rhyme Words on the pages of life Are out of line We're not immune from mistakes And the pain they create When you can no longer feel your way Through troubling days Chorus There's a way to hold time There's a way to close your eyes There's a way to breathe inside There's a way for you to rise V2 Every now and then you will lose A part of you When you think what you're going through Will finish you Chorus There's a way to feel light There's a way to heal inside There's a way to dry your eyes There's a way for you to rise Bridge Call on fables from the cradle Relive your sweet times It's not easy, someday you'll see Reason to survive V3 So don't surrender your life When it's cold outside All you need to feel the heat Is deep inside Chorus There's a way... There's a way to hold time There's a way to close your eyes There's a way to feel light There's a way to heal inside There's a way... Does this belong back on the scrap heap? Where are the lyrical weak spots? Any ideas to fix them? Melody too bland? Lay it on me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 16, 2014 Members Share Posted June 16, 2014 I like it. It's very hum-along-able, and the guitar part is like a comfy rocking chair. I do have reservations about the lyric. For one thing, if I were you I'd chose one chorus and stick with it. People want to be able to sing along with the chorus without having to memorize the damn thing. I really like verse 2 and verse 3. I'm not sure about verse 1, or what that second quatrain is. Is that a pre-chorus or another verse? It's a bit long IMO. Maybe chose one of the first 2 quatrains and dump it in favor of verse 2 or 3. (I'd keep the opening quatrain, but work on the second half a little.) It's really engaging. And so is your vocal on this! Nice find. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted June 17, 2014 Members Share Posted June 17, 2014 Definitely worth developing - I was engaged whilst listening.Three things came to mind: 1. The Bridge felt it could be improved upon melodically. The verse and chorus are good, but the bridge is less than them.2. I also felt that you should extract the best from each chorus lyric and create a constant.3. I like the guitar rhythm, but it could use a little variation between verse and chorus. Having said that, it could stay the same if colour from additional instrumentation is added in the arrangement when you get to that stage. It could be rhythmic or harmonic or both. But chase the moths away and give it the light of day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted June 17, 2014 Members Share Posted June 17, 2014 Just taking the 50,000 foot view. Verse 1 is really 2 verses... it feels too melodically repetitive before it gets to the chorus. I am ignoring the guitar strum, etc... it's just a demo. I know you will make that more dynamic as you go refine this. But melodically... either needs a little stimulation/variation, or cut the 2nd verse ('we're not immune...) so the repeativeness is not reinforced. The chorus... again big picture comments - not grabbing me melodically. Put some of that Oswek melodical flair here. Bridge - love love love it. Melodical, dramatic. Lyrically... I can speak as a highly qualified lyrical dummy. It's very poetic... but isn't speaking to me, yet. Trying to figure how I can apply it to my my life. Something needs to happen in the chorus so I will own it when you get to the next verse. It has a spark. Worth pursuing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted June 17, 2014 Members Share Posted June 17, 2014 I typed a response three times and the servers lost it three times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted June 17, 2014 Members Share Posted June 17, 2014 Quick initial response, more to come: * lovely guitar part and vibe.* The verse lags - I think the second stanza of v1 make it a pre-chorus: double up the pacing of the lines and change the melody. DO something similar in v2.* consider changing up rhythm of gtr in chorus slightly..* chorus melody should not repeat 3x, make second line slightly different. * the end of the chorus shouldn't end on the tonic major I think - end back on the main groove or right on that riff.* love the bridge but it feels like another song a bit. Great stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted June 18, 2014 Author Members Share Posted June 18, 2014 Thanks everyone. I didn't make it clear, but this is the target for the arrangement, with the chorus actually coming down and offering more sustain as well as some thick backing vox. [video=youtube;YLTFbtOfmxk] I agree with everyone that it is long - and the ending will get cut down a good deal - but I've having difficulty finding a way to cut or rearrange the opening two stanza verse. It feels too short with only one stanza and I'm totally lost with the idea of writing a pre-chorus or changing the melody. It may end up being that I work on this as a purely self-centered pleasure because something seems bug everyone so far. Lee: I totally agree about the lyric. At this point, strengthening that is the biggest goal because I think I've settled on the arrangement. Got any ideas on where to patch that up? Is your lack of mentioning the lyric in the bridge tantamount to approval? Phil: Interesting, I thought the bridge was weak lyrically but that it is pretty strong musically. It may be that I'm hearing the grander image in my head, lots of backing vocals, dense arrangement, which makes the lead vocal less important. I will take yours and Lee's advice and find a constant chorus. My expectation is that the arrangement will provide the separation you are looking for between the chorus and verse.... and the bridge, for that matter. Thanks. Rick: Oh man, that wasn't what I was hoping for! I'm not sure how much I have up my sleeve melodically with this one, Rick. I played around for an hour this morning and got virtually nothing in the way of alternate ideas, the only thing I was able to conclude is that dropping the second half of V1 doesn't work for me. I agree the lyric isn't captivating, but I thought it was at least clear. Not so? Thanks buddy. Martin: I'm trying, I really am. To date I've had no success in implementing any of these ideas. The verse vocal is already fast for me, and going faster in my head seems to set up a more climactic chorus not the come down I was planning. I'm not worried about the tempo/beat of the verse and chorus, that I think is easy to resolve with the arrangement. You don't like the break between the chorus and V2? Thanks everyone. Right now I'm banging my head against the wall, but I'll let you know if something shakes loose. If anyone has some concrete (even quick audio samples) of their ideas I'd really appreciate it. I might need more than just typed ideas to get me off the track this is currently on. Much appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted June 18, 2014 Members Share Posted June 18, 2014 I *love* the break after the chorus. Almost all of my suggestions are around making it less same-y, so however you solve it...only if you agree it's an issue of course. E.g., on principle I would never repeat the same melody 3x in a row, unless it's a poetic effect. No melody is that interesting. perhaps Edit: I was just out walking in the mall and heard "King of Pain" on the PA - sure enough the chorus has the same melody repeated 4x ("I have stood here before inside..."). So my rule is not ironclad, ha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted June 18, 2014 Members Share Posted June 18, 2014 Phil: Interesting, I thought the bridge was weak lyrically but that it is pretty strong musically. It may be that I'm hearing the grander image in my head, lots of backing vocals, dense arrangement, which makes the lead vocal less important. A good point that I wasn't taking into account. I can see that when you have produced a number of songs, you'ld think a lot more in terms of the final arrangement. I'm still at a level where I try to make the song performable as a solo act. Anyway - I can now appreciate your Bridge as it currently stands, as I can imagine it with a multiple vox delivery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted June 19, 2014 Members Share Posted June 19, 2014 Lee: I totally agree about the lyric. At this point, strengthening that is the biggest goal because I think I've settled on the arrangement. Got any ideas on where to patch that up? Is your lack of mentioning the lyric in the bridge tantamount to approval? No. I'm not crazy about the bridge, either melodically or lyrically. I'd try a break instead, or just do without the bridge altogether, the reason being that the verses and the chorus, and the guitar bit are really good and the bridge doesn't do anything. It seems to be there out of convention rather than being integral to the song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted June 19, 2014 Author Members Share Posted June 19, 2014 Thanks for your candor, Lee. I have to admit to disagreeing with that assessment, to me the bridge is exactly the lift the song is asking for at that moment. I'm still looking into ways to provide more melodic interest per Phil's suggestion, but the framework is here to stay. Based on that, any lyric suggestions would be appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mbfrancis Posted June 19, 2014 Members Share Posted June 19, 2014 Based on that' date=' any lyric suggestions would be appreciated. [/quote'] OK, this is all as my opinion, totally subjective, so take FWIW: More show vs tell, it's all super vague. Figure out what you're *really* trying to say, and then find some specific ways to show it via real things (nouns), not concepts. Case in point - the last line of the chorus should really drive the whole point home, leave the listener going, "oh yeah, he's right, that's interesting," but you have a super general line about 'rising,' that doesn't have enough context I think. What is "the way" - you never really say it clearly and memorably. It's like you you say 'don't be down, life is tough' in the verses, and then 'there's a way to get through' in the chorus, but never *what* it is. If it's "steel yourself to get through the hard times by summoning strength from your memories" then you should be clearer. (Also do you believe this? Does this really work? Will the listener believe it - I think we need some evidence, examples.) I think you need to pivot at the end of the verse into the chorus - here you can be clear what you're saying..."but there a way through / deep down inside of you...." (something like that). Maybe a 2-line prechorus? "There's A Way" is a weak, generic title...sorry. It's vague and has been done and it's locking you into repeating it over and over in the chorus, when you could be adding details: Hey, hey, I know a way to get you through the darkest day a way to help you to heal inside I know a way for you to rise Call it "Hey hey I know a way" or "I know a way (hey hey)." (Dunno, I'm at work.) Give us something to get invested in. Super general advice, but there you go. Hope this helps, and doesn;t come off jerk-y. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted June 20, 2014 Moderators Share Posted June 20, 2014 I typed a response three times and the servers lost it three times. What a loser! :-) I can't listen to pico on my iPhone but I absolutely dig the lyric. I love this kind of lift your fellow man up vibe. It's so corny when done badly and so cool when done right. Again, I haven't listened, but the lyric I think you've done right. As far as the deviation on the second chorus, I'm inclined to agree with those who have gone before me. But you know, you could use that as a third chorus to throw a wrench in the works and then repeat the original afterward. It might be a good idea to build familiarity with your 2 chorus and trip it up with 3 then return to safe ground. Or gnought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.