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Acoustic Song - Safe

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  • Acoustic Song - Safe

    http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=789376

    i dont know what to do in these situations
    id like to be there for you anyways
    if i could turn back time and give into temptation
    i wouldn't let you leave on that day

    no no no it's not right it's not ok
    no no no it's not clear it's not safe

    just dont be mad at me im doing the best i can
    with what was given to me and with what i think i am
    dont ask me to be strong enough to hold up the world
    i dont wanna know if it was a boy it was a girl

    no no no i dont love i dont care
    no no no it's not real it's not there

    and i shouldn't feel the pain that i do
    and i shouldn't still be in love with you
    and it ends happily ever after
    and life goes on and life goes on

  • #2
    I wasn't able to follow the lyrics very well, your vocal is a little buried. If you'd like constructive crit on the lyrics, it might help to post them. It sounded like the song might have a fairly serious subject matter (Is it about a pregnancy? I caught a line about how the singer didn't want to know if "it was a boy or girl," I think) but I really couldn't follow them.

    Anyway, it sounds like the melody follows the quickly shifting chord changes fairly schematically. I suspect that as you sing and write more that your melodic construction may become a little more free and I think that will help your songs... right now the combination feels kind of choppy. Part of this is because you're singing your syllables in a sort of staccato fashion. I recognize that you're probably a little unsure of your voice and that may be at least part of the issue.

    Anyway, if you'd like some constructive crit on the lyrics, post 'em up here and I'll try to keep an eye out for them.



    music and social stuff | The Forgotify Files | A Year of Songs | mutant pop on facebook | roots acoustic on facebook


    The chorus seems a little weak... I think it needs more lasers.

    Comment


    • #3

      Anyway, it sounds like the melody follows the quickly shifting chord changes fairly schematically. I suspect that as you sing and write more that your melodic construction may become a little more free and I think that will help your songs... right now the combination feels kind of choppy. Part of this is because you're singing your syllables in a sort of staccato fashion. I recognize that you're probably a little unsure of your voice and that may be at least part of the issue.



      Yep. It sounds like you recorded the vocal and acoustic at the same time, and doing it in two passes would make the playing, singing, and listening all way better.

      I kind of like the chorus--oh no no... Catchy.
      <div class="signaturecontainer"><a href="http://jukejointhandmedowns.com" target="_blank">Jukejoint Handmedowns (my band)</a><br />
      <br />
      <a href="http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/everything-but-the-squeal/id517608194" target="_blank">Find our album on iTunes!</a><br />
      <br />
      <a href="http://idlehandsmusic.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">A Month of Songs </a> (Songwriting blog)<br />
      <br />
      <div class="bbcode_container">
      <div class="bbcode_quote">
      <div class="quote_container">
      <div class="bbcode_quote_container"></div>

      <div class="bbcode_postedby">
      <img src="images/misc/quote_icon.png" alt="Quote" /> Originally Posted by <strong>gennation</strong>
      <a href="showthread.php?p=42081230#post42081230" rel="nofollow"><img class="inlineimg" src="images/buttons/viewpost-right.png" alt="View Post" /></a>
      </div>
      <div class="message">Neither of us is gay or anything, it just happened.</div>

      </div>
      </div>
      </div> </div>

      Comment


      • #4
        Yep. It sounds like you recorded the vocal and acoustic at the same time, and doing it in two passes would make the playing, singing, and listening all way better.


        I'll try doing it separately sometime this week even tho I hate my voice mic'ed. I'll have to wait until no one's home. =)

        Comment


        • #5
          bump for safe2. what do you think any better?

          Comment


          • #6
            That sounds a lot better. I still like the chorus, and the verses need ironing out. The meter is all ****************ed. I really like the innocent quality in the vocal.
            <div class="signaturecontainer"><a href="http://jukejointhandmedowns.com" target="_blank">Jukejoint Handmedowns (my band)</a><br />
            <br />
            <a href="http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/everything-but-the-squeal/id517608194" target="_blank">Find our album on iTunes!</a><br />
            <br />
            <a href="http://idlehandsmusic.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">A Month of Songs </a> (Songwriting blog)<br />
            <br />
            <div class="bbcode_container">
            <div class="bbcode_quote">
            <div class="quote_container">
            <div class="bbcode_quote_container"></div>

            <div class="bbcode_postedby">
            <img src="images/misc/quote_icon.png" alt="Quote" /> Originally Posted by <strong>gennation</strong>
            <a href="showthread.php?p=42081230#post42081230" rel="nofollow"><img class="inlineimg" src="images/buttons/viewpost-right.png" alt="View Post" /></a>
            </div>
            <div class="message">Neither of us is gay or anything, it just happened.</div>

            </div>
            </div>
            </div> </div>

            Comment



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