Members LeonardScaper Posted October 29, 2008 Members Share Posted October 29, 2008 I'm struggling with this tune. It's been sitting on the shelf for a couple of months while other songs have come on strong for my ongoing project that I'm calling 'The Awakening'. I thought this album was about love songs....but I have come to the realization that it is about a love affair. Feel free to ponder on the difference. This feels like an important song within this context and, while I have been playing it a lot and I think I have its true form, it has still been eluding me. Any comments on lyrics, arrangement and instrumentation would be truly appreciated. In this rough draft it goes something like this: http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7013887 What is the distance Between these shores? Sunday knows. How do I miss you This much more? Sunday knows for sure. Instr. I need to tell you That dreams do come true.Look inside for the proof. 'Cause sunday knows.Sunday knows for sure. instr. How do I love you? Sunday knows. Sunday knows for sure. Sunday knows.Sunday knows for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted October 29, 2008 Members Share Posted October 29, 2008 Very creative...you could do lots of things with this...more story or more musical changes but only if it helps make it better...as is it is cool...it has feel and emotion...good luck!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members samalka Posted October 29, 2008 Members Share Posted October 29, 2008 Pretty good song. Reminds me a little of Mark Lanegan with some interesting things thrown in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tspit74 Posted October 29, 2008 Members Share Posted October 29, 2008 It's vague. Doing more would make it less vague. However, vague may be perfect for this. It kind of leaves the listener hanging on and interested in finding out what will happen. Personally, as a listener, I'd like to hear a little more about Sunday. Who/what is Sunday and what is it's significance? Maybe we shouldn't know or maybe it's obvious for others (I'm terrible at interpreting poetry). If it were my song, I would find a way give the last line of the song a twist. A revelation about Sunday that we're not expecting. However, as it is, I enjoy it. Good song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marko Posted October 29, 2008 Members Share Posted October 29, 2008 I don Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 30, 2008 Author Members Share Posted October 30, 2008 Thanks all. I guess this tune IS vague as I hear it through your collective perspective. I think, though, that it may fit well that way on the album (first six tunes on my SC site). I'm getting the idea that these lovers spend the entire week together and then miss each other terribly on the weekends. How much? Guess only Sunday knows. I really like the idea of getting that message in somehow toward the end. As far as musical and lyrical changes go....that is what I have struggled with. I keep wanting to expand it and step out more but the song just won't let me. You may be right, Marko, about simple and clean. And until I can afford some cool backup singers I'll be sneaking those TC Helicon Quintet harmonies in everywhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ido1957 Posted October 30, 2008 Members Share Posted October 30, 2008 I can appreciate the skills you have on guitar (they are far beyond mine). I do find there's too much going on in the guitar dept. If I were to suggest a change, it would be to create a solid base for the song, maybe fingerpicking or strumming, then call and response with the two guitars. At times they seem to fight for the listener's attention. Simplify the arrangment but keep the intricacies intact. Vocals and melody are good as is IMHO but don't get enough attention... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ido1957 Posted October 30, 2008 Members Share Posted October 30, 2008 And until I can afford some cool backup singers I'll be sneaking those TC Helicon Quintet harmonies in everywhere. It does create some nice sounds.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 30, 2008 Author Members Share Posted October 30, 2008 I do find there's too much going on in the guitar dept. Excellent advise! I'll spend a little time tonight on volume automation......see if I can get those two guits to sit a little better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 30, 2008 Moderators Share Posted October 30, 2008 Is Saturday without you too much to endure?Only Sunday knows for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tspit74 Posted October 30, 2008 Members Share Posted October 30, 2008 Is Saturday without you too much to endure?Only Sunday knows for sure. Ooh, I like that. Defines the sentiment exactly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 30, 2008 Author Members Share Posted October 30, 2008 Defines the sentiment exactly. Sure does! I think, however, that I may let the astute listener get there without that much help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted October 31, 2008 Members Share Posted October 31, 2008 Is Saturday without you too much to endure?Only Sunday knows for sure. Sure does! I think, however, that I may let the astute listener get there without that much help I think you should consider his sugg...JMO:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tspit74 Posted October 31, 2008 Members Share Posted October 31, 2008 I must not be an astute listener because I would never get there on my own. Like I said before, I'm not a very skilled poetry interpreter. Unless a melody and arrangement are so catchy and enthralling that lyrics don't matter, I prefer not to solve riddles from the lyrics. Without some sort of summation or resolution at the end, it might just come off as a bit instead of a song. Because of your humble initial post, I listened to it as an unfinished idea from someone who desperately wants to know what his song needs. However, your response suggests that you already consider the song complete. One really good line or a simple few words could really rap this idea up and turn it into a song... IMO. Either way, you sound extremely talented and know what you're going for. I like the song. I just didn't understand it until you explained it. Unfortunately, you might not have the liberty of explaining your songs to everyone who might hear them, which could cost you a fan base (if you're concerned about such things). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 31, 2008 Author Members Share Posted October 31, 2008 Turns out that you guys are right. Played the song live last night and got off course a little at the end........until I remembered that line (kind of). I put it in a little free form and it stretched the song out a little. I could tell by the reaction of those listening that the story suddenly made sense. Problem now is that I did feel that the recorded tune was nearing completion as I like the way it has shaped up in this form. Might need to record another entire version to shape it the way I played it last night. Gotta say....this is a GREAT place to flesh out ideas with fellow songsters. Thanks again to all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted November 1, 2008 Author Members Share Posted November 1, 2008 So....... I changed the last lines to: Monday holds the cure And Sunday knows. Much better....... http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7013887 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted November 1, 2008 Members Share Posted November 1, 2008 [i haven't read the intervening posts but will after I'm done giving my impressions.] When I was a kid I bugged my folks to take me to the Pike, an old fashioned amusement center in Long Beach. (You saw it in a million movies and TV shows before it was finally torn down -- only to be replaced 15 or so years later by a fake Pike called The Pike. With a fake roller coaster. Anyway, I digress.) And I heard them answer, "Sunday." So that Saturday at dinner I asked, What time are we leaving tomorrow? And they said, "What? Where?" And I said, To go to the Pike! And they said, "Wait a second. We said we'd go to the Pike... someday." So... when I hear this song I think to myself... Is he really saying 'Sunday'? Anyhow... guaranteed... Tomorrow never knows. ____________ After reading others' comments... Agree on the vagueness, which I was trying to get at with my parable. Vagueness can work for one or against one. But these lyrics (as listed above) are somewhat underdeveloped, I think. Harmonies: I like the idea at least some of the harmonies but they don't always quite fit in. And sometimes they just sound way too robo. As someone who has, himself, struggled with harmonizing with himself, I know the allure of the robot harmonizer but the real thing is so much more satisfying, and typically less distracting, even if it's not that close to perfect. Guitar arrangement: the spare, floating sort of thing you get going is a big part of your signature sound and I think it's really nice, myself. It's suggestive, rather than didactic and I appreciate the open space. (My own work is probably way too busy from that angle.) A whole album that stayed too deep in that approach might be problematic but on a case by case basis, I find much to like in your fairly distinctive style. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tbry Posted November 1, 2008 Members Share Posted November 1, 2008 Monday holds the cureAnd Sunday knows. Better but still needs more...IMO Is Saturday without you too much to endure?...(someone suggested this)Only Sunday knows for sureThat Monday holds the cure I know it is hard to use others words in your song but I have done it many times...it is your idea and being developed by you...these suggs are only to help Your song be the best it can be...good job on this song and hope you keep at it...I like it:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tspit74 Posted November 1, 2008 Members Share Posted November 1, 2008 Monday holds the cureAnd Sunday knows.Better but still needs more...IMOIs Saturday without you too much to endure?...(someone suggested this)Only Sunday knows for sureThat Monday holds the cureI know it is hard to use others words in your song but I have done it many times...it is your idea and being developed by you...these suggs are only to help Your song be the best it can be...good job on this song and hope you keep at it...I like it:) I agree with all of this. Just make the song the best it can be. These suggestions would do that IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted November 2, 2008 Author Members Share Posted November 2, 2008 I know it is hard to use others words in your song I have collaberated on tunes a few times in the past with satisfying results. This feels different. As a solo songwriter I tend to get caught up in the mesh of my own stuff. This is complicated even more through the solo multi-tracking process where there is minimal outside feedback. That makes this forum....all of you.....an extremely valuable asset. Each tune that I have aired out here in my brief tenure has been expanded beyond its original potential (IMHO). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted November 2, 2008 Author Members Share Posted November 2, 2008 And......one more try..... With added human harmonies. http://soundclick.com/share?songid=7013887 What is the distance Between these shore? Sunday knows. How do I miss you This much more on Sunday Sunday knows for sure. last verse........ Saturday seems so insecure(How do I love you?) Sunday knows for sure. Monday holds the cureAnd Sunday knows. Time to get out of the studio.....take a walk in the woods and listen to the leaves dropping. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members palimino Posted November 3, 2008 Members Share Posted November 3, 2008 If brevity is the soul of wit, this one has it in spades. I'm not able to listen, and to really get a line on this, I think that is a must. Interesting though. pal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted November 3, 2008 Moderators Share Posted November 3, 2008 I love it. Great changes. You only changed it for the better as I see it. I love it. Saturday seems so insecureSunday knows for sure. Great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted November 4, 2008 Author Members Share Posted November 4, 2008 Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted November 4, 2008 Members Share Posted November 4, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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