Members rickidoo Posted March 4, 2012 Members Share Posted March 4, 2012 3/5/2012, THANKS EVERYONE. ADDITIONAL COMMENTS NOT NEEDED, I AM RECORDING THE SONG. These are the lyrics only right now. The music with this is rather bouncy, and it is meant to be a fun song on a serious topic. Any suggestions/thoughts on the lyrics? The End© 2012 Rick Dieffenbach CHORUS: I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 4, 2012 Members Share Posted March 4, 2012 I like the idea of the song...ive put a few ideas below...feel free to take or leave as necessary CHORUS: I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 4, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 4, 2012 What Stick said. I love the chorus. I love the idea of the tune and most of its execution. But some of the verse lines feel a little awkward. V1: I was thinking about heaven and hell One I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 5, 2012 Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 Hey Rick - it's still got a foot and a leg in the serious camp, and only a couple of toes in the fun camp.Maybe you can open up a bit more on the humour? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 5, 2012 Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 I'm not a huge fan of the double "smell" from the chorus/2nd verse. I might try something like in that case I guess I won't look so well(11) To solve that. If you approach the other line, you might make the "smell" a little more descriptive, try to make it more of a savory scent action. Breathes, inhales - these aren't quite what I am looking for, but I can't find that magic work despite being on thesaurus for the last 15 minutes. But I know it exists. Perhaps I hope it's savored like an evening toke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 5, 2012 Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 I'm not big on the second line of the chorus. When it comes, may it treat me like a dear old long lost friend To me the language feels awkward and it makes assumptions about what death will be like to you. I think it will ring truer if instead you say how you will greet death. Maybe something like...When it comes, I'll greet it like a long expected friend Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted March 5, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 @oldgit - You are right. I tried to tweak verse 1. Will see how it plays. @Oswlek - yupper - points off for too much smell! I rewrote the first one. @rhino - I see your point, you are correct about the clarity of it, but I think I will keep the line as is, as it is a bit more gentle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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