Members Chicken Monkey Posted March 4, 2012 Members Share Posted March 4, 2012 This was kind of an attempt at a write-to-order project, except nobody really ordered it. I just took a pop-culture moment (from Lethal Weapon) and tried to build a song on it. It's not done, but it's one of those songs I could write 100 verses to if needed. Here's a link to a simple demo: http://www.box.com/s/m00v8zbezs6na468bp67 I'm specifically looking for feedback on the following issues: Does the first verse develop too quickly? I had a bunch of material about the drinking, but as it stands I think I'm better off fast-forwarding to the consequences. Could you stand to hear the chorus 3-4 times? I'm not seeing a bridge on this one, so I expect to have a few more anecdotes, each set off with a chorus. At the moment, I'm working on one about eating spicy foods and dealing with acid reflux. Any other ideas would be considered. The second verse is a bit of a throwaway--I like the idea but haven't ripened it yet. Thanks for any help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted March 4, 2012 Members Share Posted March 4, 2012 I love this. I think it starts off just right. I knew right away what the deal was with that presentation. Pretty good yodeling there as well. The chorus is very repeatable. I'd say with 100 verses you should do at least 35 choruses. Oh....and I kind of like that second verse.....throwing all that stuff in there and sticking the landing is pretty cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted March 4, 2012 Members Share Posted March 4, 2012 This is terrific. A really good hook, tune, verses and chorus... fun to listen to. Bravo. And I think the verse one ramp up is fine. Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 4, 2012 Members Share Posted March 4, 2012 Ha wow this is awesome..... i could listen to that chorus as many times as needed..... if you're worried about chorus repetition then maybe try doubling up the verse lengths before getting to the chorus its great as is and the lyrics are awesome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tat2bluez Posted March 4, 2012 Members Share Posted March 4, 2012 Great, great, great chorus. That is a crowd pleaser for sure. Just keep throwing verses at it, because it's all a setup for that chorus. I do hear it asking for a brief bridge, maybe before an short instrumental break. Great job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted March 5, 2012 Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 Great song - I really like it (I've reached the next layer of stuff that I'm too old to do).An ageing audience is going to relate well to this, and the chorus becomes an audience participation piece.Keep writing some more verses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted March 5, 2012 Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 I'm jealous of anyone who can pull off the word "chicanery" in a song! It's a great audience participation number. When you come around for the third repetition of the chorus: "All together now - I'm gettin' too old for this..."As long as you keep coming up with inventive verses, no one will get tired of the chorus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 5, 2012 Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 Yeah, I like the chorus, and the use of words like chicanery and gymnasium. It sounds like it has the potential to be a radio hit. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 5, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 5, 2012 That's great! It has that comic style that's so big now on country radio. Very cool. I love the 1st verse in particular but the whole thing is great. I want another verse or two for sure... and a bridge maybe? As far as adding verses. I like how the short verse works with the 16 bar chorus. As a change up though, what if you used a double verse on the 3rd one, and half way though, you modulate up a step. That way it sort of eases the extending of the verse, you get more real estate to tell your story. Which you do so well... Oh, and if the chorus does get to be too much repeating, you can always trim a chorus to just the 2nd half for one time to mix things up. I'm gettin' too old for thisIt's sad but its trueI'm gettin' to old...To do what I used to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 5, 2012 Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 That's great! It has that comic style that's so big now on country radio. Very cool. I love the 1st verse in particular but the whole thing is great. I want another verse or two for sure... and a bridge maybe? As far as adding verses. I like how the short verse works with the 16 bar chorus. As a change up though, what if you used a double verse on the 3rd one, and half way though, you modulate up a step. That way it sort of eases the extending of the verse, you get more real estate to tell your story. Which you do so well...Oh, and if the chorus does get to be too much repeating, you can always trim a chorus to just the 2nd half for one time to mix things up.I'm gettin' too old for thisIt's sad but its trueI'm gettin' to old...To do what I used to do. +1, especially the key change idea. I heard that in my head and it really gets the juices flowing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members dramey Posted March 6, 2012 Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 Love it. As for verse ideas... How about waking up next to a 2, or listening to hip hop, or taking the kids to Chucky Cheese or watching Saturday morning cartoons in your underwear while eating fruit loops. Ok, maybe not that last one. That is awesome at any age. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted March 6, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 Lot of good advice here. My gut feeling on a modulation is to do a whole step, since that'd put it in the infinitely-easier-to-play key of A (rather than Ab), but a 1/2 step sounds a little more fitting. And I suppose I could do a simple bridge if V/C/V/C/V/C got tedious. Don't want to discount the advice I'm not calling by name here--I'm definitely considering everything brought up here. As for verse ideas... How about waking up next to a 2, or listening to hip hop, or taking the kids to Chucky Cheese... All workable, except the 1st. I'd love to do a verse on dating, but I've already established a wife via the pajamas in vs. 1, and I can't drop that, as it's pulled from a real anecdote known to a good chunk of my listening audience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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