Members stickboymusic Posted March 5, 2012 Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 Hello Im writing this one with the quirky love films in mind it is a little sickly sweet lyrically but i kinda want it to be So far this is a rough tracking of a basic piano part, drums and a bass line, with a rough vocal idea on top The song will do a lot more musically BUT 1. are the lyrics just too much? 2. so far (for the purpose of the demo) ive just copy and pasted verse one into verse two... im obviously going to write some words BUT can i keep the same melody for verse 2? Also should i change the prechorus words second time round? I intent on writing a small bridge in the section after chorus 2.... and maybe some sort of outro after final chorus (this may just be music though) Anyway , all help appreciated...im hoping to get on with this tomorrow Your smile. Whenever you wakeall i see is sunshineyou make everyday so fine Just to see your facemakes the whole world brighterI feel so proud to know you're mine It seems that everything you dowill turn the greyest sky to blueso let me sit here for a whileIm enchanted by your smile You're the best thing that ive ever foundyou pick me up when i feel down and blueits why i love youyoure the greatest thing ive ever hadyou make me good when i feel bad its trueits why i love you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 5, 2012 Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 I have to admit, if I wrote that set of lyrics I'd probably toss it in the trash. I still enjoyed listening to you perform it, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 5, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 I have to admit, if I wrote that set of lyrics I'd probably toss it in the trash. I still enjoyed listening to you perform it, though. haha! i know what you mean - maybe i should do just that!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 5, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 5, 2012 I can't listen right now so I'm sure I'll regret my first reaction but... yeah, I think those types of film songs are usually driven by some irony. Some sort of uber-realistic twist. You claimed me from the lost and foundWashed and pressed, fresh and clean from brown to blueits why i love you Like you're an old shirt. Like I said, I can't hear it and it may be gold. It usually is. But based on lyric, I think you need some twist. I'm thinking Juno here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 5, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 I can't listen right now so I'm sure I'll regret my first reaction but... yeah, I think those types of film songs are usually driven by some irony. Some sort of uber-realistic twist.You claimed me from the lost and foundWashed and pressed, fresh and clean from brown to bluets why i love youLike I said, I can't hear it and it may be gold. It usually is. But based on lyric, I think you need some twist. I'm thinking Juno here. ahhh yeh im not sure this would be aimed at something quite as cool as juno.... maybe something a little more glam.... you'll have to listen to the idea to get a feel of what im aiming for Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Ontological Posted March 5, 2012 Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 I think it's overly generic is the problem with this one. However that maybe what producer of such films are looking for. I guess that's the thing about writing for a targeted audience. I would place an additional "That's why I love you" at the beginning like you do at the end. And I would repeat it once more at the very very end as well. Other than that the song left me a bit cold. I'd like to hear some more unique personal things about what makes you happy to be with this girl other than the old tired cliches. Maybe some interesting quirks or habits? Basically make me want to meet her and fall in love too. Loved your last one though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 5, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 Ha - ok it looks like this one is heading to the cheese bin and being disposed of asap! It's not really my thing.... but sometimes i have to try these things for my job i will try again...with something a little cooler maybe! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 5, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 5, 2012 ahhh yeh im not sure this would be aimed at something quite as cool as juno.... But I think they're all wanting something as cool as Juno. That's the trend. Even in a mainstream flick, they're veering toward the mildly quirky. Or the sylishly unique. The sound you already do basically. Hip yet accessible. I'm listening. I love this... but... watch out for Sweet Caroline in the verse. No, I think this is a great feel and deserves being worked. And I still think you'd do better by get a kink in the lyric. Sometimes I see blackYou say you love OnyxI avoid the cracksYou step right on itRight on the crack, say your mum's Got a strong backIt's why I love you Really, just a question and answer, call and respose, I say you/say would do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 5, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 But I think they're all wanting something as cool as Juno. That's the trend. Even in a mainstream flick, they're veering toward the mildly quirky. Or the sylishly unique. The sound you already do basically. Hip yet accessible.I'm listening. I love this... but... watch out for Sweet Caroline in the verse. No, I think this is a great feel and deserves being worked. And I still think you'd do better by get a kink in the lyric. Sometimes I see blackYou say you love OnyxI avoid the cracksYou step right on itRight on the crack, say your mum's Got a strong backIt's why I love youReally, just a question and answer, call and respose, I say you/say would do it. wwwwwwwwwwwwwooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh - obviously i "know" sweet caroline.... but i just relistened and its pretty much the same if im citing neil diamond i may as well give up! ha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 5, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 i was just thinking about the verses.... i guess they kind of feel like it could be a young father (or mother) talking about their baby.... which doesnt really tie into the chorus ahhh i dunno.... i may just move on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted March 5, 2012 Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 haha! i know what you mean - maybe i should do just that!! Definitely not. Remember..you are targeting this at a specific sector. These lyrics may seem over the top to some of us, but in the setting of a very specific movie scene they may very well be perfect. Seriously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 5, 2012 Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 i was just thinking about the verses.... i guess they kind of feel like it could be a young father (or mother) talking about their baby.... which doesnt really tie into the chorusahhh i dunno.... i may just move on As always, commenting on lyrics, I don't see anything here I'd want to keep. Well that might not be entirely true, I do like the beginning with wake and seeing sunshine. It is some well covered ground, but could still work out well. I got the young parent/baby relationship right away. I think that's the only way the preposition 'you' could work in the first sentence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 5, 2012 Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 Personally, I'd scrap it. There is charm to this piece, but it is innate to anything you write. I seriously doubt you don't have at least 20-30 ideas in the hopper at least this strong melodically and there is little doubt they are all stronger lyrically. Add in the Neil Diamond thievary and another project beckons.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 5, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 Personally, I'd scrap it. There is charm to this piece, but it is innate to anything your write. I seriously doubt you don't have at least 20-30 ideas in the hopper at least this strong melodically and there is little doubt they are all stronger lyrically. Add in the Neil Diamond thievary and another project beckons.... agreed. its not something ive really spent any time on so its not a problem to say goodbye and move on. i would have considered keeping the music/melody idea but im not having a court case on my hands ha! many more songs in my head...just have to pull them out (through the mouth , not nose) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted March 5, 2012 Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 Personally, I'd scrap it. Still don't agree....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 5, 2012 Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 Still don't agree....... Neither would I, if it were a song I was working on. I'm grading this piece on a Stick-scale, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted March 5, 2012 Members Share Posted March 5, 2012 Yes.....but as a rough demo, aimed very precisely at a niche market....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tat2bluez Posted March 6, 2012 Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 Granted the words are simple, but look at Walking on Sunshine (Katrina & The Waves), which is not exactly Flaubert, but rocked the house ever time I played it back in the day. That said, I think simple lyrics can work provided it is held up by an infectious hook - and I mean "I need it bad like crack" hook/riff. The music is poppy - which is fine, but I keep waiting for it to break out (think "Sweet Caroline" - Neil Diamond), and it doesn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 6, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 Granted the words are simple, but look at Walking on Sunshine (Katrina & The Waves), which is not exactly Flaubert, but rocked the house ever time I played it back in the day. That said, I think simple lyrics can work provided it is held up by an infectious hook - and I mean "I need it bad like crack" hook/riff. The music is poppy - which is fine, but I keep waiting for it to break out (think "Sweet Caroline" - Neil Diamond), and it doesn't. ahhh yeh if you're waiting for the music to break then I dont think you may have read the initial post. if i was to finish this, it would end up NOTHING like this musically.... its a poppy song and would need production to suit.... most likely, in this case, much more important than the lyrics. Its just a basic demo with not a lot going on thus far Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted March 6, 2012 Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 "sickly sweet" lyrics... It's so good to finally have company on this board! I have zippo experience aligning songs to a particular use, e.g, films, so my comments are strictly about the song itself, independent of any targets. 1. "Whenever you wake"... part of me things "whenever" sounds a tiny bit off, wanting "when you awake" instead. 2. "you make everyday so fine".. maybe each day instead of everyday, more punctuated and it puts a little distance with the next "every" used a coupel of verses later. Not a big deal. 3. "Just to see your face" consider "looking at your face"?, the meaning is known on the first word that way. 4. "I feel so proud to know you're mine".. love it! The would "proud" really nails that line well. 5. "It seems that everything you dowill turn the greyest sky to blueso let me sit here for a whileIm enchanted by your smile" ... I like these two phrases individually, but the last line feels like a bolt-on... what if... the last two lines were switched? Line 2 and 3 then work together? "It seems that everything you dowill turn the greyest sky to blueIm enchanted by your smile"let me sit here for a while 6. I love the chorus! Everything about it, but one small nit. The "and blue" recedes at the end of the line, like the emphasis is one "down" and "and blue" is just an "oh by the way"... I almost think the line will be stronger by droping, completely, "and blue". 7. Love the do do do do dos.... you "do" them so well. Just a few thoughts on another strong song of yours. Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 6, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 "sickly sweet" lyrics... It's so good to finally have company on this board!I have zippo experience aligning songs to a particular use, e.g, films, so my comments are strictly about the song itself, independent of any targets.1. "Whenever you wake"... part of me things "whenever" sounds a tiny bit off, wanting "when you awake" instead.2. "you make everyday so fine".. maybe each day instead of everyday, more punctuated and it puts a little distance with the next "every" used a coupel of verses later. Not a big deal.3. "Just to see your face" consider "looking at your face"?, the meaning is known on the first word that way.4. "I feel so proud to know you're mine".. love it! The would "proud" really nails that line well.5. "It seems that everything you dowill turn the greyest sky to blueso let me sit here for a whileIm enchanted by your smile"... I like these two phrases individually, but the last line feels like a bolt-on... what if... the last two lines were switched? Line 2 and 3 then work together?"It seems that everything you dowill turn the greyest sky to blueIm enchanted by your smile"let me sit here for a while6. I love the chorus! Everything about it, but one small nit. The "and blue" recedes at the end of the line, like the emphasis is one "down" and "and blue" is just an "oh by the way"... I almost think the line will be stronger by droping, completely, "and blue". 7. Love the do do do do dos.... you "do" them so well.Just a few thoughts on another strong song of yours.Rick Thanks Rick - some really good points..... im gonna have a look at this song and see if there is anything really worth working on I like some of your ideas a lot thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 6, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 Is this getting any better or should i REALLY just scrap it.... im not really feeling it.... but im doing it as a project ANd it "may" come together with the hooky music bits once added when you awakeall i see is sunshineyou make everyday so fine looking at your facemakes the whole world brighterim so proud to know you're mine it seems that everything you dowill turn the greyest sky to blueyouve got me and ive got youill be the glass that you see through its true cos youre the best thing that ive ever knownmy lucky stone, my perfect work of artits why i love youyoure the greatest thing ive ever seenmy ace of spades, my beauty queen of heartsits why i love you SCRAPPER?!?!?!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted March 6, 2012 Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 Nah... keep it. I like it... the lyrics are a bit cheesy, but hey, it's pop music! Who cares? I really like the feel of it... and even though I can hear the Neil Diamond slant, it doesn't really bother me... If anything, the familiarity will draw people in and this'll be the song that makes you a million pounds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted March 6, 2012 Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 Stick, To answer your question - to me the music is good. So good, that I think you could easily consider placing it in the can for later use when the right inspiration comes along. I could easily see the music in a TV commercial or in the background of a movie.. you know the part where everything is coming together for the hero. And I think the lyrics could be developed... but right now they are pretty one sided... it's not that they are too sweet, it's more that the lyrics lack a diversion from being sweet. If you threw it away, my one regret is that your trash can is not next to my side door.... :-) Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 6, 2012 Author Members Share Posted March 6, 2012 The annoying thing is, i just sent this demo to my publisher for initial feedback...... the main thing they liked were the simple lyrics.... sometimes you just want to give up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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