A Germ Of Something (3/6)

[rsadasiv]

Negatively 5th Avenue

 

I'm sorry that you got the wrong impression.

Yeah I'm really so sorry too

That stupid {censored}ing me

{censored}ing stupid you

Is not going to happen this session.

 

Your problems are endless and always the same

The solutions are simple, but not implementable.

You need to shave, and go brush your teeth

Your breath is disgusting and your hygiene lamentable.

 

You think you're so vicious

So cutting, so malicious

Now get back in the kitchen

And finish doing the dishes.

You've got a lot of nerve.

 

We never could decide how to split up the spoils

So on the battlefield we left them to rot

And every single time that I didn't remember

You never ever ever forgot.

 

I would probably like you better if I didn't know you so well

But that hole has been poisoned. Oh just go to hell.

It takes two to tango. As you stand on my shoe.

You. You. You. You.

 

You think you're so vicious

So cutting, so malicious

Now get back in the kitchen

And finish doing the dishes.

You've got a lot of nerve.

[Lee Knight]

Great^

 

Except this:

 

I would probably like you better if I didn't know you so well

But that hole has been poisoned. Oh just go to hell.

 

I get it, it's exasperation, but it feels more filler and giving up. Not the character giving up, but the writer.

 

I would probably like you better if I didn't know you so well

But that hole has been poisoned, and the spring is raising hell

But that hole has been poisoned, and just too late for us to sell

But that hole has been poisoned, kiss the water farewell

But that hole has been poisoned, the water's starting to smell

But that hole has been poisoned, from cell to liquid cell

[rsadasiv]

Yeah - I think that was supposed to segue into musical dramedy repartee.

 

This one may go to the bottom of the slush pile, filed under "I don't want to sing it and no one wants to hear it".

[rhino55]

Unless you are doing it as a duet, I think the first couple of lines are wonky.

 

What about...

You're sorry I you got the wrong impression.

Yeah, I'm really so sorry too.

 

FWIW, I think it would be way cooler as a duet with the two different voices taking turns singing the chorus with the other responding you've got alot of nerve.

 

I wouldn't scrap this just yet. It could end up being fun, but you'd almost have to have a light hearted delivery to sell it.

 

The only line that I thought needed to be cut is Is not going to happen this session. It felt out of place.

You might also consider changing the bit about spoils. I do like that they are left there to rot, but it still implies there is something to gain when there really isn't although each party probably thinks there is.

 

I also really liked Go to hell. I saw it as a nod to The Bouncing Souls.

[rsadasiv]

 

Unless you are doing it as a duet, I think the first couple of lines are wonky. What about... You're sorry I you got the wrong impression. Yeah, I'm really so sorry too. FWIW, I think it would be way cooler as a duet with the two different voices taking turns singing the chorus with the other responding you've got alot of nerve. I wouldn't scrap this just yet. It could end up being fun, but you'd almost have to have a light hearted delivery to sell it. The only line that I thought needed to be cut is Is not going to happen this session. It felt out of place. You might also consider changing the bit about spoils. I do like that they are left there to rot, but it still implies there is something to gain when there really isn't although each party probably thinks there is. I also really liked Go to hell. I saw it as a nod to The Bouncing Souls.

 

 

It was supposed to be a duet - each sentence switches the speaker. In college I played George in a production of "Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf", and I was going for that style of dialogue.

[Oswlek]

Definitely a duet, though I envision trading stanzas not lines. I personally loved the "spoils" line, it rang true to my memories as a child going through a divorce.

 

Put me in the no go list on "go to hell".

[LCK]

 

It was supposed to be a duet - each sentence switches the speaker. In college I played George in a production of "Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf"

 

 

Ahh. Edward Albee meets Bob Dylan. Cool.

 

I like your writing, and this is no exception. Well done.

 

LCK

[oldgitplayer]

I'm looking forward to hear the melody of this one - the lyric is gutsy.

I like the title being a nod to Bob, but I feel the use of the line, 'you've got a lotta nerve' may be a bridge too far.