Jump to content

The End (Full Song)


rickidoo

Recommended Posts

  • Members

This is great, Rick. I really like that climbing melody in the lines 1/3 of the chorus and it definitely has a catchy feel about it. Fading on the chorus is a nice touch.

 

Some very minor lyric tweaks, if you don't mind.

 

 

Just take this spirit body for one and final ride

 

 

This is a little too cluttered. Definitely drop the "and", but I think it might even work without the "body", in my head it sounds good.

 

 

But if you should
go
before I do, oh well...

 

 

"Go" ties nicely with the toes/know rhyme of the first two lines and lessens the death-blow a little, which suits the song better, IMO.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

This is great, Rick. I really like that climbing melody in the lines 1/3 of the chorus and it definitely has a catchy feel about it. Fading on the chorus is a nice touch.


Some very minor lyric tweaks, if you don't mind.




This is a little too cluttered. Definitely drop the "and", but I think it might even work without the "body", in my head it sounds good.




"Go" ties nicely with the toes/know rhyme of the first two lines and lessens the death-blow a little, which suits the song better, IMO.

 

 

THANK YOU Oswlek - Using teh word "go" is perfect. I definitely will be changing that out. Brilliant.

 

Stick also suggested dropping body or spirit. I guess I was thinking about spirit body verses physical body. I will give that serious thought.

 

Thanks again!

 

Rick

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

THANK YOU Oswlek - Using teh word "go" is perfect. I definitely will be changing that out. Brilliant.


Stick also suggested dropping body or spirit. I guess I was thinking about spirit body verses physical body. I will give that serious thought.


Thanks again!


Rick

 

 

In a simple song like this, spirit = intangible and body = physical. Any attempt to delve further into metaphysics is overselling your audience, IMO.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Yeah...that spirit body thing is getting me as well.

 

I really like the spirit of this song....

 

And will the afterlife give me back my hair?

 

Your vocal delivery is perfect for this kind of song......light-hearted but with some serious messages hidden in those tongue-in-cheek lyrics.

 

Not sure if I would fade it out like that. This song had my attention and I wanted you to finish that last chorus and take me out with a sh^t eating grin on my face.....maybe by doing one more chorus and fading that one.

 

:wave:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Your vocal delivery is perfect for this kind of song......light-hearted but with some serious messages hidden in those tongue-in-cheek lyrics.

 

Totally agree. If I tried this, it would come off sarcastic, bitter.

 

Not sure if I would fade it out like that. This song had my attention and I wanted you to finish that last chorus and take me out with a sh^t eating grin on my face.....maybe by doing one more chorus and fading that one.

 

Funny, I love the fade, it even gave me an idea to shorten my most recent posting here and cut out the weakest link. :cool:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Agreed on dropping of the word 'body' and leaving 'spirit'.

 

In the 1st line of the chorus, you don't sing the word, 'end' clearly.

It's a critical word in the song, and without the lyrics in front of the listener, it could take a while to get what the song's about.

 

Lastly and most importantly, there is a melodic sameness about the verse and chorus. Yes - the line phrasings differ, but are you using the same chords or something?

I was wanting greater difference in the chords in order to push the vocal melody into fresh pastures.

 

What do you think?

 

Otherwise young man, I go away for a few weeks and your lyrics, your emphases on words, your vocal delivery, are all noticeably better.

You'll soon need to be putting some of your own material into that folder of seriously talented people that you keep.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Funny, I love the fade, it even gave me an idea to shorten my most recent posting here and cut out the weakest link.
:cool:

 

 

I slept on both comments about the fade, and woke up with the idea to do both. And so it now fades, pretty much, and then is ended with gentle smoke rising. It's not a big joke per say, but it does punctuate the the end of the song in a light hearted tong-in-cheek manner, while maintaining the fade. Thank you both so much, it's a better ending now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

Agreed on dropping of the word 'body' and leaving 'spirit'.


In the 1st line of the chorus, you don't sing the word, 'end' clearly.

It's a critical word in the song, and without the lyrics in front of the listener, it could take a while to get what the song's about.


Lastly and most importantly, there is a melodic sameness about the verse and chorus. Yes - the line phrasings differ, but are you using the same chords or something?

I was wanting greater difference in the chords in order to push the vocal melody into fresh pastures.


What do you think?


Otherwise young man, I go away for a few weeks and your lyrics, your emphases on words, your vocal delivery, are all noticeably better.

You'll soon need to be putting some of your own material into that folder of seriously talented people that you keep.

 

 

I'll fix the "end" in chorus. You are right, it is the key word in the whole thing.

 

I am using the same chords, although I tried to hide it to a degree to the untrained ear. I can't get away with that on this board! Actually, I had writers block for a week, and finally decided to plow forward and record something in hopes to get me past it, even if it were the same two chords over and over and over....

 

Thanks for the kind words!

 

Your presence was missed on the board!

 

Rick

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...