Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 8, 2012 Moderators Share Posted March 8, 2012 Just an idea at this point. I think... it's about workplace competition and the hungrier than thou. Updating here as I go... V1You were determined to grab what your peers were handedThey were applauded, and you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 8, 2012 Members Share Posted March 8, 2012 only thing jumping out for me is the first verse is all "you" and then its all "i" is it all about the same person? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 8, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 8, 2012 You is the new guy, I is me getting trampled by the new guy Not clear huh? Maybe I need some office accouterments here and there. Staplers and shredders and copiers and {censored}. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted March 8, 2012 Members Share Posted March 8, 2012 You is the new guy, I is me getting trampled by the new guyNot clear huh? Maybe I need some office accouterments here and there. Staplers and shredders and copiers and {censored}. Ahhh right may be being being stupid (its not unusual!) maybe you could go all cat stevens on us with two different singing styles for each part? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 8, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 8, 2012 There's no point of view shift. One guy singing. Me, singing about me about him. Just one voice. It might be confusing because I'm telling his backstory in a 2nd person pov then switch to 1st person in the pre and chorus. Hmmm... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 8, 2012 Members Share Posted March 8, 2012 You is the new guy, I is me getting trampled by the new guyNot clear huh? Maybe I need some office accouterments here and there. Staplers and shredders and copiers and {censored}. I wouldn't. I think this is a great balance of ambiguity and direct language. Maybe the second time through the prechorus could be What were you thinking? The only thing so far that isn't sitting right with me is I never saw you comingWhy walk when you could be outrunning? Specifically, the second line. I think it will sing really well, I love rhyming coming with running, and I think given the context it is great, but I don't know what it means. Oh and you have have to have a different vocals on the questions and answers during prechorus. Have to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 8, 2012 Members Share Posted March 8, 2012 It's not confusing to me. I like it. It's a good start. Some trouble at work, is there? LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 8, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 8, 2012 It's not confusing to me. I like it. It's a good start. Some trouble at work, is there? LCK Not at all. Just the same old scared to death I'm gonna get laid off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2012 Maybe the second time through the prechorus could be What were you thinking? Oh and you have have to have a different vocals on the questions and answers during prechorus. Have to. Two great ideas! Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2012 V1You were determined to grab what your peers were handedThey were applauded, and you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 I like it. Any ambiguity issues will probably be resolved as the story devlops. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 OK, my earlier post came in with your rewrite. My only potential issue is with this You made up for in million dollar talk All through the song, I grew to like the other guy for his determination and ambition, but this sounds like he is a bull{censored}ter and doesn't ring true to the rest of the lyric. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2012 OK, my earlier post came in with your rewrite. My only potential issue is with this All through the song, I grew to like the other guy for his determination and ambition, but this sounds like he is a bull{censored}ter and doesn't ring true to the rest of the lyric. Ah! Got ya. I was seeing him as a backstabber! But you are 100% right. I haven't said that. He's just doing what he's gotta do. Thanks, I'll rethink that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 Ah! Got ya. I was seeing him as a backstabber! But you are 100% right. I haven't said that. He's just doing what he's gotta do. Thanks, I'll rethink that. Yeah, I think you either need to make the storyteller's arsenic a little more apparent or go in a different direction with that line. But there is always my sig to consider.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 I never saw you comingI was walking while you were running Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 I never saw you comingI was walking while you were running +1,000 assuming it fits syllabilically. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2012 All through the song, I grew to like the other guy for his determination and ambition, but this sounds like he is a bull{censored}ter and doesn't ring true to the rest of the lyric. You asked me to lunch, said I was what you wanted to beYou picked up the tab, fed my ego, I love eating for freeWhat you lacked in time on the clock... 1You made up for in company growth stock 2You made up for at the starting block 3Made no difference at this office block 4 Though you lacked in time on the clockYou soon put an end to that talk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2012 I never saw you comingI was walking while you were running Doh! Perfect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 This is shaping up nicely. I think you need to determine if the guy is a backstabber or not. I can see it working either way, but if he is the language needs to zero in on it. If not than I think it is fine as is. The million dollar talk line is weaker than the rest. I think that is an ideal spot to let us know if the guy feels like he is being stabbed in the back or, and this might be harder to do in that short a space, he admits he is bitter toward the young guy because he knows he will replace him soon, but that he doesn't blame him at all... maybe he is even proud of him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2012 ...maybe he is even proud of him. That's kinda where my mind was going. This is inspired by a book I'm reading. A lawyer is being cross examined by his protege. All the tricks of the trade, he's being snared by his pupil. And he can't help but admire him. There's a running lesson motive: Lure, trap, {censored}. And he keeps admiring how his student seems to be luring him despite knowing what's going on. Where I was going with: You said you got my backI can't help smile at thatJust a few more years till my 1st heart attack So yeah, I gotta put some thought into that lyric power position. Good call you guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2012 You asked me to lunch, said I was what you wanted to beYou picked up the tab, fed my ego, I love eating for freeWhat's that they say about free lunch?I can't help but admire your knockout punch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2012 You asked me to lunch, said I was what you wanted to beYou picked up the tab, fed my ego, I love eating for freeWhat you lacked in time on the clockYou made up at the starting block Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 You asked me to lunch, said I was what you wanted to beYou picked up the tab, fed my ego, I love eating for freeWhat you lacked in time on the clockYou made up at the starting block That is my favorite so far. I am intrigued by "stock" since is carries the work/company theme, but haven't come up with anything that uses is well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 9, 2012 Members Share Posted March 9, 2012 You asked me to lunch, said I was what you wanted to be You picked up the tab, fed my ego, I love eating for free What you lacked in time on the clock You made up at the starting block Maybe try you made up for coming out the block you made up for with the way you came out the block Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 9, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted March 9, 2012 That is my favorite so far. I am intrigued by "stock" since is carries the work/company theme, but haven't come up with anything that uses is well. Same here. Growth stock I was liking. But it's very clunky. The idea that he doesn't have time on the clock but made up for it in growth stock, that he's so good stock prices are rising, that was kind of cool. But kludgey. I'm liking the starting block. And... I'm propping the "made up for it" you made up at the starting block, using the prior line to set up this one grammatically. I think it's working. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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