Members stickboymusic Posted April 17, 2012 Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 Hello Just came up with this... i think the idea has legs.... verse 2... scene 2 ect Let me know your thoughts on where i am up to please. The curtain. Scene one act one you are minewe embrace in silencethe audience try to decideif we kissed in the darkness The spotlight it targets us nowsilhouettes like angelssparks fly but I know some howthey'll be no fire between us 'Cos I need to know that there's someone for menot a fictional character caught in a sceneyes i'm looking for love, not the hollywood kindthe one based on trust not the one based on liesAnd i need to be sure that it truely existsnot a half written story in a half hearted scriptyeh it's fun to pretend but it always must endas the curtain slowly falls [video=youtube;CGgaI9xf77M]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGgaI9xf77M Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 17, 2012 Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 Will never work. It is a love song. Great stuff. The only line that bugged me in any way is the "truth/lies" simply because it is more cliche than the rest. Melodically it is terrific, love the movement on the even numbered verse lines as well as the resolve at the end of the chorus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 17, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 Will never work. It is a love song. Great stuff. The only line that bugged me in any way is the "truth/lies" simply because it is more cliche than the rest. Melodically it is terrific, love the movement on the even numbered verse lines as well as the resolve at the end of the chorus. truth...TRUTH... i would never use such word!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 17, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 How about 'Cos I need to know that there's SOMEONE for menot a fictional character caught in a sceneyes i'm looking for love, not the hollywood kindNO PICNIC IN WINTER UNDER CELLOPHANE SKY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted April 17, 2012 Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 I disagree with Oswelek... I really liked the original line. "the one based on trust not the one based on lies" It's just... real. I agree with the change to Someone though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 17, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 I disagree with Oswelek... I really liked the original line. "the one based on trust not the one based on lies"It's just... real. I agree with the change to Someone though. Cool - i think it works better too , i think "truth and lies" is a little over used but "trust and lies" I think i can get away with will deffo change the the "someone" that should have been there originally really! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 17, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 17, 2012 I'm particularly drawn to the verse. I like the way the lyric works with that cool leaping melody. The way the chorus or release is working now, you have this cool flood of words, a verbal explosion, going into the IV chord, your F. It works very well, that moves beautifully from the sound of your verse. But when you get to the lines below in bold, they fall a little too close to expectations. The I chord, the melody following that I chord. I beleive... the songs wants to do something unique and mildly unexpected there in those bolded spots. Cos I need to know that there's something for menot a fictional character caught in a sceneyes i'm looking for love, not the hollywood kindthe one based on trust not the one based on liesAnd i need to be sure that it truely existsnot a half written story in a half hearted scriptyeh it's fun to pretend but it always must endas the curtain slowly falls For instance: not a (Em)fictional character (Am7)caught in a ©scene Something that doesn't resolve yet. "I need to know...." is an unfulfilled want and desire. I believe you need to deny that I chord resolution until... as the curtain slowly ©falls, and maybe not even right there but still prolong the agony as the curtain slowly (Am)falls (G/B)... C... Cool idea for tune. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 17, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 I'm particularly drawn to the verse. I like the way the lyric works with that cool leaping melody. The way the chorus or release is working now, you have this cool flood of words, a verbal explosion, going into the IV chord, your F. It works very well, that moves beautifully from the sound of your verse. But when you get to the lines below in bold, they fall a little too close to expectations. The I chord, the melody following that I chord. I beleive... the songs wants to do something unique and mildly unexpected there in those bolded spots. Cos I need to know that there's something for me not a fictional character caught in a scene yes i'm looking for love, not the hollywood kind the one based on trust not the one based on lies And i need to be sure that it truely exists not a half written story in a half hearted script yeh it's fun to pretend but it always must end as the curtain slowly falls For instance: not a (Em)fictional character (Am7)caught in a (C)scene Something that doesn't resolve yet. "I need to know...." is an unfulfilled want and desire. I believe you need to deny that I chord resolution until... as the curtain slowly (C)falls, and maybe not even right there but still prolong the agony as the curtain slowly (Am)falls (G/B)... C... Cool idea for tune. Just played around with them ideas.... my silly "pop" head wants to keep it as it is.... at the moment it feels basic and obvious... im hoping with 1. vocal harmony and 2. something interesting going on musically (not just F and C) that it may just work. Will keep playing around though and see if i can come up with anything better. p.s when you talk IV and I ect.... i have no idea what you are on about Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 17, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 I'm particularly drawn to the verse. I like the way the lyric works with that cool leaping melody. The way the chorus or release is working now, you have this cool flood of words, a verbal explosion, going into the IV chord, your F. It works very well, that moves beautifully from the sound of your verse. But when you get to the lines below in bold, they fall a little too close to expectations. The I chord, the melody following that I chord. I beleive... the songs wants to do something unique and mildly unexpected there in those bolded spots. Cos I need to know that there's something for me not a fictional character caught in a scene yes i'm looking for love, not the hollywood kind the one based on trust not the one based on lies And i need to be sure that it truely exists not a half written story in a half hearted script yeh it's fun to pretend but it always must end as the curtain slowly falls For instance: not a (Em)fictional character (Am7)caught in a (C)scene Something that doesn't resolve yet. "I need to know...." is an unfulfilled want and desire. I believe you need to deny that I chord resolution until... as the curtain slowly (C)falls, and maybe not even right there but still prolong the agony as the curtain slowly (Am)falls (G/B)... C... Cool idea for tune. Just played around with them ideas.... my silly "pop" head wants to keep it as it is.... at the moment it feels basic and obvious... im hoping with 1. vocal harmony and 2. something interesting going on musically (not just F and C) that it may just work. Will keep playing around though and see if i can come up with anything better. p.s when you talk IV and I ect.... i have no idea what you are on about Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted April 17, 2012 Moderators Share Posted April 17, 2012 p.s when you talk IV and I ect.... i have no idea what you are on about Sorry... the I chord being C. I was making the point that it seems to me that delaying the return to the C chord anyway you can, using typical pop chords and whatnot, adds to this cool suspended feel of the lyric and when you finally do hit the C chord, it would make your point musically as well as lyrically. But it seems you're hearing something!!!! Go dude. cool tune. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 17, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 Ahh right so at the moment the chorus is F/C/Am/G then resolving to C I could just take the C out in the chorus and then resolve to it So F/Em/Am/G then resolve to C Its kinda halfway to what you were saying and what I have now May go for that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 17, 2012 Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 A very nice beginning. I agree with Lee about the lines he put in bold. My thoughts were: 'Cos I need to know that there's someone for menot a fictional character who leaves in Act Threeyes i'm looking for love, not the hollywood kindthe one based on truth not a lie of the mind (or a pretense of mind) LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 17, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 Heres where i am up to (still v1 and chorus) 1. Have tweaked the lyrics a little following advice2. have changed some chorus chords (thanks lee) The curtain. Scene one act one you are minewe embrace in silencethe audience try to decideif we kissed in the darkness The spotlight it targets us nowsilhouettes like angelssparks fly but I know some howthey'll be no fire between us 'Cos I need to know that there's someone for menot a fictional character played in a sceneyes i'm looking for love, not the hollywood kindthe one based on truth not a trick of the mindAnd i need to be sure that it truely existsnot a half written story in a half hearted scriptyeh it's fun to pretend but it always must endas the curtain slowly falls and it sounds something like this (but better hopefully) [video=youtube;NPsONLzwiQw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPsONLzwiQw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted April 17, 2012 Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 I miss "lies". That said, it's not a big enough deal for me to plead with you to keep it. The new line sings well... and accomplishes the goal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 17, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 I miss "lies".That said, it's not a big enough deal for me to plead with you to keep it. The new line sings well... and accomplishes the goal. i know what you mean but i think the new line also adds strength to the meaning of the line following it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members CockleHocker Posted April 20, 2012 Members Share Posted April 20, 2012 This is really great. I love it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LordBTY Posted April 20, 2012 Members Share Posted April 20, 2012 I would really love to hear this extended with another verse. It's a lovely song; won't get on the radio, but a really nice listen. Edit: By it not getting on the radio I mean it would need to be alot hookier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 20, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 20, 2012 I would really love to hear this extended with another verse. It's a lovely song; won't get on the radio, but a really nice listen.Edit: By it not getting on the radio I mean it would need to be alot hookier. Bare with me - this is just the first verse and chorus idea..... its not a finished song as yet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted April 20, 2012 Members Share Posted April 20, 2012 it would need to be alot hookier. Perfect. Let's challenge the hookiest songwriter we have to get even hookier. The only thing hookier than stickboy is the American Secret Service. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LordBTY Posted April 21, 2012 Members Share Posted April 21, 2012 I do remember the song idea after just two listens but I think it would need some developing for it to be at a radio-hookiness level. That said, that 'Don't look at me no more' song got stuck in my head after just one listen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted April 21, 2012 Members Share Posted April 21, 2012 I think the chorus needs some polish lyrically, but it's really good and really connects with me emotionally. The verse arrangement strikes me as a little too formulaic, with the scene numbers and such, especially if there isn't an act two of scene one--It'd just be called "Scene one", then, right? On top of that, I was listening to the video before reading the lyric, and you've got some homonym problems for me--I was hearing, "Seen one act...", which prompted me to think first that it's troubling to start a song with such awful grammar, and also I couldn't piece together what you seen someone acting like. The lyric as is doesn't quite ride the melody anyways, and with the non-traditional sentence structure and the accent, I was really lost until I went up and read the lyric. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 21, 2012 Members Share Posted April 21, 2012 The verse arrangement strikes me as a little too formulaic, with the scene numbers and such, especially if there isn't an act two of scene one--It'd just be called "Scene one", then, right? Actually, each Act starts with Scene one. The opening line of Stick's lyric has it backwards. It should start "Act One, Scene 1..." LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Chicken Monkey Posted April 21, 2012 Members Share Posted April 21, 2012 Actually, each Act starts with Scene one.The opening line of Stick's lyric has it backwards. It should start"Act One, Scene 1..."LCK Ah, right. Would they designate "Scene 1" if there was only one scene? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 21, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 21, 2012 Ah, right. Would they designate "Scene 1" if there was only one scene? I think people have failed to grasp that this is the first verse and a chorus there will be other verses and probably scenes/acts I could change to something like "scene 1 I thought you were mine...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 21, 2012 Members Share Posted April 21, 2012 Ah, right. Would they designate "Scene 1" if there was only one scene? No, if there's only one scene, the script would read "Act One." And that's it. LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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