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  • Rough vid - another idea verse/chorus

    Hello

    Just came up with this... i think the idea has legs.... verse 2... scene 2 ect

    Let me know your thoughts on where i am up to please.

    The curtain.

    Scene one act one you are mine
    we embrace in silence
    the audience try to decide
    if we kissed in the darkness

    The spotlight it targets us now
    silhouettes like angels
    sparks fly but I know some how
    they'll be no fire between us

    'Cos I need to know that there's someone for me
    not a fictional character caught in a scene
    yes i'm looking for love, not the hollywood kind
    the one based on trust not the one based on lies
    And i need to be sure that it truely exists
    not a half written story in a half hearted script
    yeh it's fun to pretend but it always must end
    as the curtain slowly falls


  • #2
    Will never work. It is a love song.

    Great stuff. The only line that bugged me in any way is the "truth/lies" simply because it is more cliche than the rest. Melodically it is terrific, love the movement on the even numbered verse lines as well as the resolve at the end of the chorus.
    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012

    Comment


    • #3
      Will never work. It is a love song.

      Great stuff. The only line that bugged me in any way is the "truth/lies" simply because it is more cliche than the rest. Melodically it is terrific, love the movement on the even numbered verse lines as well as the resolve at the end of the chorus.


      truth...TRUTH... i would never use such word!!

      Comment


      • #4
        How about

        'Cos I need to know that there's SOMEONE for me
        not a fictional character caught in a scene
        yes i'm looking for love, not the hollywood kind
        NO PICNIC IN WINTER UNDER CELLOPHANE SKY

        Comment


        • #5
          I disagree with Oswelek... I really liked the original line.

          "the one based on trust not the one based on lies"

          It's just... real. I agree with the change to Someone though.

          Comment


          • #6
            I disagree with Oswelek... I really liked the original line.

            "the one based on trust not the one based on lies"

            It's just... real. I agree with the change to Someone though.


            Cool - i think it works better too , i think "truth and lies" is a little over used but "trust and lies" I think i can get away with

            will deffo change the the "someone" that should have been there originally really!

            Comment


            • #7
              I'm particularly drawn to the verse. I like the way the lyric works with that cool leaping melody.

              The way the chorus or release is working now, you have this cool flood of words, a verbal explosion, going into the IV chord, your F. It works very well, that moves beautifully from the sound of your verse. But when you get to the lines below in bold, they fall a little too close to expectations. The I chord, the melody following that I chord. I beleive... the songs wants to do something unique and mildly unexpected there in those bolded spots.

              Cos I need to know that there's something for me
              not a fictional character caught in a scene
              yes i'm looking for love, not the hollywood kind
              the one based on trust not the one based on lies
              And i need to be sure that it truely exists
              not a half written story in a half hearted script
              yeh it's fun to pretend but it always must end
              as the curtain slowly falls

              For instance:

              not a (Em)fictional character (Am7)caught in a (C)scene


              Something that doesn't resolve yet. "I need to know...." is an unfulfilled want and desire. I believe you need to deny that I chord resolution until... as the curtain slowly (C)falls, and maybe not even right there but still prolong the agony as the curtain slowly (Am)falls (G/B)... C...


              Cool idea for tune.
              __________
              Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
              Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
              Jesus

              Comment


              • #8
                I'm particularly drawn to the verse. I like the way the lyric works with that cool leaping melody.

                The way the chorus or release is working now, you have this cool flood of words, a verbal explosion, going into the IV chord, your F. It works very well, that moves beautifully from the sound of your verse. But when you get to the lines below in bold, they fall a little too close to expectations. The I chord, the melody following that I chord. I beleive... the songs wants to do something unique and mildly unexpected there in those bolded spots.

                Cos I need to know that there's something for me
                not a fictional character caught in a scene
                yes i'm looking for love, not the hollywood kind
                the one based on trust not the one based on lies
                And i need to be sure that it truely exists
                not a half written story in a half hearted script
                yeh it's fun to pretend but it always must end
                as the curtain slowly falls

                For instance:

                not a (Em)fictional character (Am7)caught in a (C)scene


                Something that doesn't resolve yet. "I need to know...." is an unfulfilled want and desire. I believe you need to deny that I chord resolution until... as the curtain slowly (C)falls, and maybe not even right there but still prolong the agony as the curtain slowly (Am)falls (G/B)... C...


                Cool idea for tune.


                Just played around with them ideas.... my silly "pop" head wants to keep it as it is.... at the moment it feels basic and obvious... im hoping with 1. vocal harmony and 2. something interesting going on musically (not just F and C) that it may just work.

                Will keep playing around though and see if i can come up with anything better.

                p.s when you talk IV and I ect.... i have no idea what you are on about

                Comment


                • #9
                  I'm particularly drawn to the verse. I like the way the lyric works with that cool leaping melody.

                  The way the chorus or release is working now, you have this cool flood of words, a verbal explosion, going into the IV chord, your F. It works very well, that moves beautifully from the sound of your verse. But when you get to the lines below in bold, they fall a little too close to expectations. The I chord, the melody following that I chord. I beleive... the songs wants to do something unique and mildly unexpected there in those bolded spots.

                  Cos I need to know that there's something for me
                  not a fictional character caught in a scene
                  yes i'm looking for love, not the hollywood kind
                  the one based on trust not the one based on lies
                  And i need to be sure that it truely exists
                  not a half written story in a half hearted script
                  yeh it's fun to pretend but it always must end
                  as the curtain slowly falls

                  For instance:

                  not a (Em)fictional character (Am7)caught in a (C)scene


                  Something that doesn't resolve yet. "I need to know...." is an unfulfilled want and desire. I believe you need to deny that I chord resolution until... as the curtain slowly (C)falls, and maybe not even right there but still prolong the agony as the curtain slowly (Am)falls (G/B)... C...


                  Cool idea for tune.


                  Just played around with them ideas.... my silly "pop" head wants to keep it as it is.... at the moment it feels basic and obvious... im hoping with 1. vocal harmony and 2. something interesting going on musically (not just F and C) that it may just work.

                  Will keep playing around though and see if i can come up with anything better.

                  p.s when you talk IV and I ect.... i have no idea what you are on about

                  Comment


                  • #10

                    p.s when you talk IV and I ect.... i have no idea what you are on about


                    Sorry... the I chord being C. I was making the point that it seems to me that delaying the return to the C chord anyway you can, using typical pop chords and whatnot, adds to this cool suspended feel of the lyric and when you finally do hit the C chord, it would make your point musically as well as lyrically. But it seems you're hearing something!!!! Go dude. cool tune.
                    __________
                    Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
                    Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
                    Jesus

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Ahh right so at the moment the chorus is

                      F/C/Am/G then resolving to C

                      I could just take the C out in the chorus and then resolve to it

                      So

                      F/Em/Am/G then resolve to C

                      Its kinda halfway to what you were saying and what I have now

                      May go for that

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        A very nice beginning.

                        I agree with Lee about the lines he put in bold.

                        My thoughts were:

                        'Cos I need to know that there's someone for me
                        not a fictional character who leaves in Act Three
                        yes i'm looking for love, not the hollywood kind
                        the one based on truth not a lie of the mind (or a pretense of mind)

                        LCK
                        “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Heres where i am up to (still v1 and chorus)

                          1. Have tweaked the lyrics a little following advice
                          2. have changed some chorus chords (thanks lee)

                          The curtain.

                          Scene one act one you are mine
                          we embrace in silence
                          the audience try to decide
                          if we kissed in the darkness

                          The spotlight it targets us now
                          silhouettes like angels
                          sparks fly but I know some how
                          they'll be no fire between us

                          'Cos I need to know that there's someone for me
                          not a fictional character played in a scene
                          yes i'm looking for love, not the hollywood kind
                          the one based on truth not a trick of the mind
                          And i need to be sure that it truely exists
                          not a half written story in a half hearted script
                          yeh it's fun to pretend but it always must end
                          as the curtain slowly falls

                          and it sounds something like this (but better hopefully)

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I miss "lies".

                            That said, it's not a big enough deal for me to plead with you to keep it. The new line sings well... and accomplishes the goal.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I miss "lies".

                              That said, it's not a big enough deal for me to plead with you to keep it. The new line sings well... and accomplishes the goal.


                              i know what you mean but i think the new line also adds strength to the meaning of the line following it

                              Comment









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