Members bee3 Posted April 16, 2012 Members Share Posted April 16, 2012 Just started writing this today... here's a short, rough clip so you can get an idea of... wait for it... prosody and melody. It's loosely based on Stick's auntie. http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11577946 Outside Looking In This is what she said to me "I don't want no enemies But I don't want to be someone's wife" Before we parted company She turned to me and offered her cheek and said Gonna add 20 years to my life Oh she's on the outside looking in She couldn't look much better See her now in photographs Wish I could've seen her laugh She'll live to 103 She didn't want the added stress Of dealing with another's mess She's a lone branch on the family tree Oh she's on the outside looking in She couldn't look much better Oh she doesn't need a "so called man" She says they don't even matter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted April 16, 2012 Members Share Posted April 16, 2012 Cool. Something about the final line of the first verse rang funny in my ears. I also think it might flow better if you said "somebody's wife". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 16, 2012 Members Share Posted April 16, 2012 Just started writing this today... here's a short, rough clip so you can get an idea of... wait for it... prosody and melody. It's loosely based on Stick's auntie. http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11577946 Outside Looking In This is what she said to me "I don't want no enemies But I don't want to be someone's wife" Before we parted company She turned to me and offered her cheek and said Gonna add 20 years to my life Oh she's on the outside looking in She couldn't look much better See her now in photographs Wish I could've her laugh She'll live to 103 She didn't want the added stress Of dealing with another's mess She's a lone branch on the family tree Oh she's on the outside looking in She couldn't look much better Oh she doesn't need a "so called man" She says they don't even matter I wasn't sure if you were talking about a girl you dated or your great grandmother! But I love the tune, and the lyric is really well-written except for that one glitch (unless it's my glitch). LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 16, 2012 Members Share Posted April 16, 2012 Ha! Are you telling the tale of my great auntie lily who never married and lived to 103?! LOVE the tune..."gonna add 20 years to my life" line isnt working..... i know what you're saying but it feels like some words are missed to fit the flow Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted April 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 16, 2012 Ha! Are you telling the tale of my great auntie lily who never married and lived to 103?!LOVE the tune..."gonna add 20 years to my life" line isnt working..... i know what you're saying but it feels like some words are missed to fit the flow Yes... sort of. Your statement about not being married and living longer sparked this one... I don't want to date your great auntie lily though. I promise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted April 16, 2012 Members Share Posted April 16, 2012 I don't want to date your great auntie lily though. I promise. she has been dead about 5 years.... could be a messy one I love the song and where it is heading... just gotta iron out a few lyrics. Nice to hear you doing an electric guitar based song.... different and very cool Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted April 16, 2012 Members Share Posted April 16, 2012 1. Almost a paul simon thing going on in this. I like it. 2. She turned to me and offered her cheek and saidGonna add 20 years to my life I actually interpreted this as a butt cheek vice a face cheek. So I was a bit confused by that mental picture for a bit. I'm wondering if others may do that as well? 3. I LOVE the vocal ramp up after the verse! Looking forward to hearing more. I like the 1st line of the chorus, the 2nd line melodically fit but was not as exciting as the first line melody wise. Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted April 17, 2012 Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 1. Almost a paul simon thing going on in this. I like it.2. She turned to me and offered her cheek and saidGonna add 20 years to my lifeI actually interpreted this as a butt cheek vice a face cheek. Hmmm. To quote Larry Hart, "It never entered my mind." LCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 Hmmm. To quote Larry Hart, "It never entered my mind."LCK Phew... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted April 17, 2012 Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 This may come as a surprise, but I would not move anything around. Harumph. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 This may come as a surprise, but I would not move anything around. Harumph. Hmmm... I should probably do a re-write then. :poke: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted April 17, 2012 Members Share Posted April 17, 2012 I like the first verse but not the second. Leave the narrator out, and let her tell her own story. If she's feisty, funny and unapologetic so much the better. Also, if she could rock a red hat that would be cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted April 18, 2012 Members Share Posted April 18, 2012 It only played the first verse and faded in the middle of the second verse. I like it a LOT ! The lines: Oh she's on the outside looking in She couldn't look much better wanted to rhyme for me. I see you repeat them later with a double trip through the pattern and have a rhyme then. But i don't get to hear that on this clip so i don't know if that relieves the discomfort But it's really cool. I think lyrically it's working fine so far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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