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  • Outside Looking In

    Just started writing this today... here's a short, rough clip so you can get an idea of... wait for it... prosody and melody.

    It's loosely based on Stick's auntie.

    http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11577946

    Outside Looking In

    This is what she said to me
    "I don't want no enemies
    But I don't want to be someone's wife"
    Before we parted company
    She turned to me and offered her cheek and said
    Gonna add 20 years to my life

    Oh she's on the outside looking in
    She couldn't look much better

    See her now in photographs
    Wish I could've seen her laugh
    She'll live to 103
    She didn't want the added stress
    Of dealing with another's mess
    She's a lone branch on the family tree

    Oh she's on the outside looking in
    She couldn't look much better
    Oh she doesn't need a "so called man"
    She says they don't even matter

  • #2
    Cool. Something about the final line of the first verse rang funny in my ears. I also think it might flow better if you said "somebody's wife".
    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012

    Comment


    • #3
      Just started writing this today... here's a short, rough clip so you can get an idea of... wait for it... prosody and melody.

      It's loosely based on Stick's auntie.

      http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11577946

      Outside Looking In

      This is what she said to me
      "I don't want no enemies
      But I don't want to be someone's wife"
      Before we parted company
      She turned to me and offered her cheek and said
      Gonna add 20 years to my life

      Oh she's on the outside looking in
      She couldn't look much better

      See her now in photographs
      Wish I could've her laugh
      She'll live to 103
      She didn't want the added stress
      Of dealing with another's mess
      She's a lone branch on the family tree

      Oh she's on the outside looking in
      She couldn't look much better
      Oh she doesn't need a "so called man"
      She says they don't even matter


      I wasn't sure if you were talking about a girl you dated or your great grandmother!

      But I love the tune, and the lyric is really well-written except for that one glitch (unless it's my glitch).

      LCK
      “I think you make yourself an antenna for songs, and songs want to be around you. And then they bring other songs along, and then they’re all sittin’ around, and they’re drinking your beer, and they’re sleeping on the floor.” —Tom Waits

      Comment


      • #4
        Ha! Are you telling the tale of my great auntie lily who never married and lived to 103?!

        LOVE the tune..."gonna add 20 years to my life" line isnt working..... i know what you're saying but it feels like some words are missed to fit the flow

        Comment


        • #5
          Ha! Are you telling the tale of my great auntie lily who never married and lived to 103?!

          LOVE the tune..."gonna add 20 years to my life" line isnt working..... i know what you're saying but it feels like some words are missed to fit the flow

          Yes... sort of. Your statement about not being married and living longer sparked this one... I don't want to date your great auntie lily though. I promise.

          Comment


          • #6
            I don't want to date your great auntie lily though. I promise.


            she has been dead about 5 years.... could be a messy one

            I love the song and where it is heading... just gotta iron out a few lyrics.

            Nice to hear you doing an electric guitar based song.... different and very cool

            Comment


            • #7
              1. Almost a paul simon thing going on in this. I like it.

              2. She turned to me and offered her cheek and said
              Gonna add 20 years to my life

              I actually interpreted this as a butt cheek vice a face cheek. So I was a bit confused by that mental picture for a bit. I'm wondering if others may do that as well?

              3. I LOVE the vocal ramp up after the verse!

              Looking forward to hearing more. I like the 1st line of the chorus, the 2nd line melodically fit but was not as exciting as the first line melody wise.


              Rick
              "Now and then... occasionally... it seems to have.... too many notes"

              Comment


              • #8
                1. Almost a paul simon thing going on in this. I like it.

                2. She turned to me and offered her cheek and said
                Gonna add 20 years to my life

                I actually interpreted this as a butt cheek vice a face cheek.


                Hmmm. To quote Larry Hart, "It never entered my mind."

                LCK
                “I think you make yourself an antenna for songs, and songs want to be around you. And then they bring other songs along, and then they’re all sittin’ around, and they’re drinking your beer, and they’re sleeping on the floor.” —Tom Waits

                Comment


                • #9
                  Hmmm. To quote Larry Hart, "It never entered my mind."

                  LCK

                  Phew...

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    This may come as a surprise, but I would not move anything around. Harumph.
                    ...

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      This may come as a surprise, but I would not move anything around. Harumph.

                      Hmmm... I should probably do a re-write then. oke:

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I like the first verse but not the second. Leave the narrator out, and let her tell her own story. If she's feisty, funny and unapologetic so much the better.

                        Also, if she could rock a red hat that would be cool.
                        Lyrics Songs Demos Videos Covers Dj Facebook Tumblr

                        Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.

                        -Coco Chanel

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                        • #13
                          It only played the first verse and faded in the middle of the second verse.

                          I like it a LOT ! The lines:
                          Oh she's on the outside looking in
                          She couldn't look much better

                          wanted to rhyme for me. I see you repeat them later with a double trip through the pattern and have a rhyme then. But i don't get to hear that on this clip so i don't know if that relieves the discomfort

                          But it's really cool. I think lyrically it's working fine so far.
                          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGxDwt26FZc
                          http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/marshallsongs
                          http://www.reverbnation.com/#!/marshallsongs

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