The Sky Beneath and the Road Above

[oldgitplayer]

I picked up on the mood of a backing track posted by gubu, and it jogged some old memories of the 60's and a time I spent on the road. Here are the beginnings of something.

 

My 1st question to you is, Is there insufficient 'show' and too much 'tell'. I have a tendency to write this way hoping that there is a neutrality in a semi-abstract narrative that the listener can more readily plug their own emotions and experience into, rather than when it is in a straight story-telling format.

But I could use some feedback before proceeding.

 

Intention :

 

A freewheeling song of a life lived.

A story of 2 buddies (travellers) on the road. (This took place when I was 19)

An observational picture painted or a narrative?

 

Fits a 12 bar format

 

Chorus :

 

Life is meant for living

To find out what we love

Keeping hearts free to travel

The sky beneath /// and the road above.

 

Verse 1:

 

There's devils and there's angels

We meet upon the road

And sometimes there's no difference

Behind the face they show.

People come, and people go

Living day to day

And so the age of innocence

Quietly slips away.

 

Verse 2 :

 

A time when something's gained.

A time that something's lost

They didn't know what freedom meant

They didn't know the cost

 

Alternative:

 

A time when something's lost,

A time that something's gained.

They didn't know what freedom meant

Either sacred or profane.

No thought where they were headed

Just knew what they don't want

They left that all behind

New horizons was their jaunt.........Clunker alert - to be re-written

[LCK]

I think you've got some good ideas here.

 

For some reason, I think it should be in the 2nd person.

 

Life is meant for seeking? roaming? (you use the word "living" in the verse)

To find out what you love

Young hearts are free to travel

The sky beneath /// and the road above.

 

I'm just putting a little twist on what you've got. I look forward to seeing what you do with it.

 

LCK

[chriscarnucci]

I like what you have so far. Did you mean to switch from we to they? I'm looking forward to hearing the melody.

[oldgitplayer]

 

I think you've got some good ideas here. For some reason, I think it should be in the 2nd person. Life is meant for seeking? roaming? (you use the word "living" in the verse) To find out what you love Young hearts are free to travel The sky beneath /// and the road above. I'm just putting a little twist on what you've got. I look forward to seeing what you do with it. LCK

 

 

Thanks for your comments.

I just knocked this out this morning as a 1st draft, so there's some mulling to be done on the lyric thus far + writing some more about that time and place.

[Surrealistic]

I like it so far. If it were me I might add at least one narrative verse as relief from the broad philosophical stuff, and to help place the listener in the scene. Looking forward to hearing it already though

[oldgitplayer]

 

If it were me I might add at least one narrative verse as relief from the broad philosophical stuff, and to help place the listener in the scene. )

 

 

You are right.

I've written a few narrative verses to complement the commentary type verses, so I'll probably end up with 4 verses and the chorus used twice.

I've also shifted all the writing into the 1st person plural - I thinks it works better that way. Donovan did it with 'To Try for the Sun', and Dylan did it with, 'Bob Dylan's Dream'.

Both are songs of looking back at times of youth and freedom.

[rsadasiv]

I like it so far. If it were me I might add at least one narrative verse as relief from the broad philosophical stuff, and to help place the listener in the scene. Looking forward to hearing it already though

 

+1

 

Slightly OT - I finished reading "The Savage Detectives" a few months ago and the road trip in the final section is dynamite - probably my favorite after "On The Road".

[rhino55]

I dig it so far.

 

Life is meant for living

To find out what we love

Keeping hearts free to travel [Keep your hearts free to travel]

The sky beneath /// and the road above. [Love this]

 

Verse 1:

 

There's devils and there's angels

We meet upon the road [i wonder if a stronger action word would show more? Walking, running, driving

And sometimes there's no difference

Behind the face they show. [i love the idea, but isn't what is behind the face what would differentiate between an angel and a devil?

People come, and people go [only line that felt like it might be filler

Living day to day

And so the age of innocence

Quietly slips away. [this last couplet is really strong]

 

Verse 2 :

 

A time when something's gained.

A time that something's lost

They didn't know what freedom meant [i wouldn't change perspective. We didn't know...]

They didn't know the cost [We didn't know...]

 

[i'd write another four lines that sheds some more light on the cost or incorporates some strong "road" imagery. Face full of dust, holes in our jeans, tape to hold on the soles of our shoes, etc...]

[LeonardScaper]

For some reason, I think it should be in the 2nd person.

 

I like this approach as well. This would be a great 'lesson song'.

 

Leave that first verse as it is....it's a keeper already anyway. It's being sung by that person who...has been there, who is you (The Writer). It is a broad statement of earned wisdom. Then the chorus (which I also think is a keeper) is sung by you to me (The Young Seeker). You are giving me sage advise.....

 

Life is meant for living

To find out what you love

[rhino55]

In addition to adding another 4 lines that talk about the cost of being on the road, it might be cool to express an 'it is better to have been on the road and lost than never to have been on the road at all' sort of sentiment.

[gubu]

I agree with Surrealistic's idea about giving it one verse of narrative, to tie it to something concrete, while the listener can hang their own meaning/experiences on the rest of the song, as you suggest yourself Oldgitplayer.

 

Also, the 2nd person point-of-view suggested by LCK is a great idea - it doesn't have to be a 'J'accuse, but the 'lesson song' idea will really work with this, I think.

 

Looking forward to hearing it when it's done.

[Lee Knight]

I began a response several times but... I have nothing to add other than, you do good work.

[gubu]

 

I began a response several times but... I have nothing to add other than, you do good work.

 

 

That's what happens to me with almost every thread here.

 

Perhaps I should paste that quote to my clipboard, for use in future.

[oldgitplayer]

Thank you all for the enthusiastic feedback. I appreciate your help. You guys are the best....... All the comments are relevant and usable.

 

Just before I went to bed last night (and America was eating breakfast), I wrote a lot of additional verses in the 1st person plural. The song works well this way.

 

I avoided the 2nd person because I was somewhat tentative about coming across as the experienced road guy telling folk what it's all about.

But as there is a con-census of opinion that this may be the way to go, I'll do a version that way as well, and post them both. We'll see what comes out of that.

[oldgitplayer]

Here's a version in 1st person plural :

 

Let me know if you think it would work better in the 2nd person.

 

I will probably shorten it, and will definitely do some re-writing when I decide what to do music-wise.

 

 

The sky beneath and the road above

Burton (2012)

[Monkey Uncle]

Very nice. I think the chorus and the bridge are super.

 

I'm assuming you are going to cut some of the verses. Verses 4 and 5 seem nearly interchangeable; I'd only keep one of them (or maybe mix and match to cherry-pick the best imagery). And it should probably come before what is now verse 3, which seems to be summing up the travels in a more philosophical way.

 

Verse 1 is a necessary part of the narrative, but I'm having difficulty with some of the lines:

 

We wore the cloth of working life - good imagery, but it seems like a non-sequitur

 

But life without adventure

In hearts still young and keen

We'd walked the streets with holy goofs

The pure and the obscene.

 

These lines seem to be thrown together at random - am I missing some larger meaning here?

[oldgitplayer]

 

Very nice. I think the chorus and the bridge are super. I'm assuming you are going to cut some of the verses. Verses 4 and 5 seem nearly interchangeable; I'd only keep one of them (or maybe mix and match to cherry-pick the best imagery). And it should probably come before what is now verse 3, which seems to be summing up the travels in a more philosophical way. Verse 1 is a necessary part of the narrative, but I'm having difficulty with some of the lines: We wore the cloth of working life - good imagery, but it seems like a non-sequitur But life without adventure In hearts still young and keen We'd walked the streets with holy goofs The pure and the obscene. These lines seem to be thrown together at random - am I missing some larger meaning here?

 

 

I'm glad you like the Chorus & Bridge as they have been properly worked on.

 

The verses are a bit thrown together, because I don't have any music yet (melody is my nemesis), and I'll need to edit and re-write then. Probably one verse will disappear. I'll be seriously looking at all your suggestions then.

 

I just want to generally get the narrative together at this point, and see whether it stays in the 1st person plural or 2nd person as others have suggested with the 1st draft.

[gubu]

It reads very well. I couldn't offer any advice at this stage because it seems that it's going to come together for you very naturally. I've also changed my mind about the 2nd person point of view. It works perfectly as it is - as a look back at a more idealistic time of possibilities.

 

It reminds me a little of Pink Floyd, in a good way!

[rsadasiv]

Really good so far. I think now you need to find the overall meter (a demo would help here) and then work the syllables of individual lines. With the meter in place you can then look at punching up particular words and images.

[LeonardScaper]

I think now you need to find the overall meter (a demo would help here) and then work the syllables of individual lines. With the meter in place you can then look at punching up particular words and images.

 

I like this approach a lot.

 

Not liking the 1st person plural, though. Just doesn't seem to hit me right. Maybe it's not personal enough....I think I'd rather hear you singing to me about yourself, although I still like the 'lesson song' approach for this one.

[LCK]

Really nice work. I love some of the images and situations.

 

I'm still not crazy about "we felt the need for living..." To me that's an almost-right phrase.

 

In fact, I would lose every mention made of the words "life" or "living." I mean, I get that the song is kind of about the ending of one stage of life and a search for what the next phase holds, but life is just too generic for me. ("The cloth of working life..." is a notable exception; I like that a lot.)

 

Others that I found lacking in some way are in bold. Lines I really like have an asterisk.

 

Turning backs on household rules

With youth almost done

We wore the cloth of working life*

The race had just begun

But life without adventure

In hearts still young and keen

We'd walked the streets with holy goofs*

The pure and the obscene.

 

Chorus :

We felt the need for living

To find out what we love

Our hearts were free to travel

The sky beneath /// and the road above.

 

Verse 2 :

Without a clock to pace our day*

In dusk and fading light*

Feeling no fences in our way

We jumped a train into the night

Watched by stars we slept the hours

Thought our time had come

Intoxicated by the light

When morning brought the sun

 

Verse 3 :

No thought where we were headed

Knew what we'd left behind

It's out there in the great unknown

There's something new to find

No doubt some things were gained

And there were some things lost

We didn't know what freedom meant

Forgot to count the cost.

 

Chorus :

We felt the need for living

To find out what we love

Our hearts were free to travel

The sky beneath /// and the road above.

 

Verse 4 :

Slept under rail and river bridge*

Slept sheltered in the dunes*

Sat round fires at midnight*

And sang familiar tunes*

Always moving on again*

Drifting place to place*

Sleeping on the sun-warmed sands*

With starlight on our face.* (technically, this should read "faces" not "face")

 

Verse 5 :

Rambled into bustling cities

Sauntered quiet towns

Eating here and drinking there

Without a right way round

Spinning yarns we laughed aloud

Played the freedom game

Finding out the reason why

No-one was to blame

 

Bridge :

There's devils and there's angels

We met out on the road

Sometimes with no difference

Behind the face they showed.

People come, and people go

Living day to day

And so the age of innocence

Quietly slipped away.

 

Chorus :

We felt the need for living

To find out what we love

Our hearts were free to travel

The sky beneath /// and the road above.

 

 

LCK

[oldgitplayer]

Not liking the 1st person plural, though. Just doesn't seem to hit me right. Maybe it's not personal enough....I think I'd rather hear you singing to me about yourself, although I still like the 'lesson song' approach for this one.

 

OK Lenny - I hear you. I'll do a partial version in the 2nd person and run it around the block.