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The Sky Beneath and the Road Above

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  • The Sky Beneath and the Road Above

    I picked up on the mood of a backing track posted by gubu, and it jogged some old memories of the 60's and a time I spent on the road. Here are the beginnings of something.

    My 1st question to you is, Is there insufficient 'show' and too much 'tell'. I have a tendency to write this way hoping that there is a neutrality in a semi-abstract narrative that the listener can more readily plug their own emotions and experience into, rather than when it is in a straight story-telling format.
    But I could use some feedback before proceeding.

    Intention :

    A freewheeling song of a life lived.
    A story of 2 buddies (travellers) on the road. (This took place when I was 19)
    An observational picture painted or a narrative?

    Fits a 12 bar format

    Chorus :

    Life is meant for living
    To find out what we love
    Keeping hearts free to travel
    The sky beneath /// and the road above.

    Verse 1:

    There's devils and there's angels
    We meet upon the road
    And sometimes there's no difference
    Behind the face they show.
    People come, and people go
    Living day to day
    And so the age of innocence
    Quietly slips away.

    Verse 2 :

    A time when something's gained.
    A time that something's lost
    They didn't know what freedom meant
    They didn't know the cost

    Alternative:

    A time when something's lost,
    A time that something's gained.
    They didn't know what freedom meant
    Either sacred or profane.
    No thought where they were headed
    Just knew what they don't want
    They left that all behind
    New horizons was their jaunt.........Clunker alert - to be re-written
    'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
    CHARLIE PARKER

  • #2
    I think you've got some good ideas here.

    For some reason, I think it should be in the 2nd person.

    Life is meant for seeking? roaming? (you use the word "living" in the verse)
    To find out what you love
    Young hearts are free to travel

    The sky beneath /// and the road above.


    I'm just putting a little twist on what you've got. I look forward to seeing what you do with it.

    LCK
    “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

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    • #3
      I like what you have so far. Did you mean to switch from we to they? I'm looking forward to hearing the melody.
      http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page...?bandID=575709 or http://www.youtube.com/user/ccarnucci

      Comment


      • #4
        I think you've got some good ideas here.

        For some reason, I think it should be in the 2nd person.

        Life is meant for seeking? roaming? (you use the word "living" in the verse)
        To find out what you love
        Young hearts are free to travel

        The sky beneath /// and the road above.


        I'm just putting a little twist on what you've got. I look forward to seeing what you do with it.

        LCK


        Thanks for your comments.
        I just knocked this out this morning as a 1st draft, so there's some mulling to be done on the lyric thus far + writing some more about that time and place.
        'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
        CHARLIE PARKER

        Comment


        • #5
          I like it so far. If it were me I might add at least one narrative verse as relief from the broad philosophical stuff, and to help place the listener in the scene. Looking forward to hearing it already though
          http://www.surrealisticpenguin.com

          Comment


          • #6
            If it were me I might add at least one narrative verse as relief from the broad philosophical stuff, and to help place the listener in the scene. )


            You are right.
            I've written a few narrative verses to complement the commentary type verses, so I'll probably end up with 4 verses and the chorus used twice.
            I've also shifted all the writing into the 1st person plural - I thinks it works better that way. Donovan did it with 'To Try for the Sun', and Dylan did it with, 'Bob Dylan's Dream'.
            Both are songs of looking back at times of youth and freedom.
            'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
            CHARLIE PARKER

            Comment


            • #7
              I like it so far. If it were me I might add at least one narrative verse as relief from the broad philosophical stuff, and to help place the listener in the scene. Looking forward to hearing it already though


              +1

              Slightly OT - I finished reading "The Savage Detectives" a few months ago and the road trip in the final section is dynamite - probably my favorite after "On The Road".
              Lyrics Songs Demos Videos Covers Dj Facebook Tumblr

              Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.

              -Coco Chanel

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              • #8
                I dig it so far.

                Life is meant for living
                To find out what we love
                Keeping hearts free to travel [Keep your hearts free to travel]
                The sky beneath /// and the road above. [Love this]

                Verse 1:

                There's devils and there's angels
                We meet upon the road [I wonder if a stronger action word would show more? Walking, running, driving
                And sometimes there's no difference
                Behind the face they show. [I love the idea, but isn't what is behind the face what would differentiate between an angel and a devil?
                People come, and people go [only line that felt like it might be filler
                Living day to day
                And so the age of innocence
                Quietly slips away. [this last couplet is really strong]

                Verse 2 :

                A time when something's gained.
                A time that something's lost
                They didn't know what freedom meant [I wouldn't change perspective. We didn't know...]
                They didn't know the cost [We didn't know...]

                [I'd write another four lines that sheds some more light on the cost or incorporates some strong "road" imagery. Face full of dust, holes in our jeans, tape to hold on the soles of our shoes, etc...]
                ...

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                • #9
                  For some reason, I think it should be in the 2nd person.


                  I like this approach as well. This would be a great 'lesson song'.

                  Leave that first verse as it is....it's a keeper already anyway. It's being sung by that person who...has been there, who is you (The Writer). It is a broad statement of earned wisdom. Then the chorus (which I also think is a keeper) is sung by you to me (The Young Seeker). You are giving me sage advise.....

                  Life is meant for living
                  To find out what you love
                  Leonard Scaper

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    In addition to adding another 4 lines that talk about the cost of being on the road, it might be cool to express an 'it is better to have been on the road and lost than never to have been on the road at all' sort of sentiment.
                    ...

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                    • #11
                      I agree with Surrealistic's idea about giving it one verse of narrative, to tie it to something concrete, while the listener can hang their own meaning/experiences on the rest of the song, as you suggest yourself Oldgitplayer.

                      Also, the 2nd person point-of-view suggested by LCK is a great idea - it doesn't have to be a 'J'accuse, but the 'lesson song' idea will really work with this, I think.

                      Looking forward to hearing it when it's done.
                      flip the phase

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                      • #12
                        I began a response several times but... I have nothing to add other than, you do good work.
                        __________
                        Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
                        Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
                        Jesus

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                        • #13
                          I began a response several times but... I have nothing to add other than, you do good work.


                          That's what happens to me with almost every thread here.

                          Perhaps I should paste that quote to my clipboard, for use in future.
                          flip the phase

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Thank you all for the enthusiastic feedback. I appreciate your help. You guys are the best....... All the comments are relevant and usable.

                            Just before I went to bed last night (and America was eating breakfast), I wrote a lot of additional verses in the 1st person plural. The song works well this way.

                            I avoided the 2nd person because I was somewhat tentative about coming across as the experienced road guy telling folk what it's all about.
                            But as there is a con-census of opinion that this may be the way to go, I'll do a version that way as well, and post them both. We'll see what comes out of that.
                            'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
                            CHARLIE PARKER

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Here's a version in 1st person plural :

                              Let me know if you think it would work better in the 2nd person.

                              I will probably shorten it, and will definitely do some re-writing when I decide what to do music-wise.


                              The sky beneath and the road above
                              Burton (2012)
                              'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
                              CHARLIE PARKER

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