Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 3, 2012 Moderators Share Posted October 3, 2012 A basic idea. I don't know if it's any good. Do you think this has promise? Any ideas for verses? The line she wasn't supposed to cross Was getting smaller in her rear view mirrorFlipped the coin she was too scared to tossAs she drove on outta hereBetter to roll on down the road Then to stay here gathering mossLeaving behind the line she wasn't supposed to cross One idea for verses might be the concept of Exit 1, Exit 2... like you have on long trips. But Exit 1 was probably the 7-11 they used to get people t score them beer at. And maybe Exit 34 was a couple towns over where some relatives live. Then the State Line and then... I don't know. Any thoughts? Too cliche? Or maybe the lyric above is a verse. Then I write another with the crossed line idea using other shades of the concept. Then write a simple repetitive chorus around The line... she wasn't supposed to crossThe line... she wasn't supposed to crossNo time... for silly dreams and wishing on the Southern CrossCrossing the line... she wasn't supposed to cross. Didn't Rhino or Bee or Ow just have a tune like this? {censored}. *Updating here as I go: The line she wasn't supposed to cross Was getting smaller in her rear view mirrorFlipped the coin she'd been too scared to tossAs she drove on outta hereFreedom comes at a costOne... thing... found... for something lostLeaving behind the line... she wasn't supposed to cross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 Yuck on "roll on down the road" and not much more love for "gathering moss". How about having a twist at the end where after a couple of verses of her leaving the white line behind her she crosses over the yellow line next to her and gets into a head-on collision with an 18 wheeler? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 3, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 3, 2012 Yeah, the "rolling down the" was actaully trying to twist the cliche of the rolling stone gathering no moss. Then I stepped in another cliche. Oops. Yeah, I can fix that. Or I can just intentionally cross the yellow line as you suggest and be done with it. Maybe I'll step away now before I invest time in too cliche of an idea. I think so. done Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 3, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 3, 2012 or... take the idea of "the line she wasn't supposed to cross is in her rear view" as pure metaphor. Strip it of any other travel/car references. I like the idea of the title. It could be pure metaphor though. Hmmm... that would effectively kill the cliche feel. Maybe? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 I wouldn't leave it just yet. I like the idea as a chorus....maybe even to start the song out. It made me want to know more about how that line got there. A relationship most likely. What could she have done? Call her man out on something? An affair perhaps that had been ongoing and tacitly accepted for all that time? Maybe she finally got tired of it and decided it was time to go. Or.......maybe she found someone of her own and it gave her the courage to 'cross that line'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 And....I would keep her the car. That makes for a good vehicle for her musings (verses). Oh......did I just say that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 or... take the idea of "the line she wasn't supposed to cross is in her rear view" as pure metaphor. Strip it of any other travel/car references. I like the idea of the title. It could be pure metaphor though. Hmmm... that would effectively kill the cliche feel. Maybe? It could. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 She could be leaving town because she had an abortion, and the abortion was the line. Maybe she isn't running away. Maybe she got kicked out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 She could be leaving town because she had an abortion Hmmmm, awfully....specific. Could be hinted at though, right. That has been known to work. I mean.....who really knows what Billy Joe MacAllister was throwing off the Tallahatchie Bridge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 TBH it sounds like the teaser for a movie on Lifetime. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 Hmmmm, awfully....specific. Could be hinted at though, right. That has been known to work. I mean.....who really knows what Billy Joe MacAllister was throwing off the Tallahatchie Bridge. Whether you come out and say it or just hint at it, you either have a specific story in mind or you just let the rhymes write it for you. The whole notion of "This is meant to be interpreted many different ways... I'll let the auidence figure it out" gets old to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 TBH it sounds like the teaser for a movie on Lifetime. Or what happened to one of my sisters, but I see where you are coming from. I wonder if it is a coincidence that she really likes Lifetime? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 The whole notion of "This is meant to be interpreted many different ways... I'll let the auidence figure it out" gets old to me. I actually quite agree. In the case of this song I think keeping her in the car and following her specific thoughts while driving is a good direction to go in. I like that idea about using different exits as turning points on the story line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members chriscarnucci Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 How about... The line she never meant to cross.OrThe line she never thought she'd cross.OrThe line she never crossed. The ideas are endless here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shortchord Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 Didn't Rhino or Bee or Ow just have a tune like this? {censored}. You may be thinking of my "She Hurries Toward the Light." I really need to get back to that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 3, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 3, 2012 You may be thinking of my "She Hurries Toward the Light." I really need to get back to that. That was you! That's the one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 A few other angles that might set a story rolling : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 A basic idea. I don't know if it's any good. Do you think this has promise? Any ideas for verses?The line she wasn't supposed to cross Was getting smaller in her rear view mirrorFlipped the coin she was too scared to tossAs she drove on outta hereBetter to roll on down the road Then to stay here gathering mossLeaving behind the line she wasn't supposed to crossOne idea for verses might be the concept of Exit 1, Exit 2... like you have on long trips. But Exit 1 was probably the 7-11 they used to get people t score them beer at. And maybe Exit 34 was a couple towns over where some relatives live. Then the State Line and then...I don't know. Any thoughts? Too cliche?Or maybe the lyric above is a verse. Then I write another with the crossed line idea using other shades of the concept. Then write a simple repetitive chorus aroundThe line... she wasn't supposed to crossThe line... she wasn't supposed to crossNo time... for silly dreams and wishing on the Southern CrossCrossing the line... she wasn't supposed to cross.Didn't Rhino or Bee or Ow just have a tune like this? {censored}. It does remind me of the shortchord song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 I find this song so far very intriguing and I want to know what happens. I like story-telling songs when the concept interests me, and this definitely does. I like that idea about using different exits as turning points on the story line. I love this idea too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 4, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 4, 2012 Great input here. I should become a regular poster! I had a thought. "The line". There could be many lines she crossed as a big thinking/small town girl. The time she tried out for boys football, the time she asked that boy out on a date. The time she even danced by herself at the local watering hole's dance floor and rejected all the lugheads hitting on her to dance. The time she cut her hair and died it pink. And the time she finally packed it up and left town to take a job in NYC. See ya mom and dad. I'll call. Something like that. The line she wasn't supposed to cross Was getting smaller in her rear view mirrorFlipped the coin she was too scared to tossAs she drove on outta hereFreedom comes at a costOne thing found for one thing lostLeaving behind the line... she wasn't supposed to cross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 Great input here. I should become a regular poster!I had a thought. "The line". There could be many lines she crossed as a big thinking/small town girl. The time she tried out for boys football, the time she asked that boy out on a date. The time she even danced by herself at the local watering hole's dance floor and rejected all the lugheads hitting on her to dance. The time she cut her hair and died it pink. And the time she finally packed it up and left town to take a job in NYC. See ya mom and dad. I'll call.Something like that. Are you saying there are many alternatives? Or are you talking about how every line crossed just draws another? That latter might be a cool avenue to explore... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 4, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 4, 2012 Are you saying there are many alternatives? Or are you talking about how every line crossed just draws another? That latter might be a cool avenue to explore... I was updating as you posted. Well... I think I'm exploring the cost of crossing the line. You can go there little girl, but it's going to cost you. Is that cost worth the price? She thinks so and she's right. So the lines she crosses earlier in life all add up to this day of freedom. She was bullied and made fun of. She was smart when she should be acting cute. She got angry when she should've kept her pretty little mouth shut. She said {censored} you all pretty and nice, well worth the cost at twice the price. The line she wasn't supposed to cross Was getting smaller in her rear view mirrorFlipped the coin she was too scared to tossAs she drove on outta hereFreedom comes at a costOne thing found for one thing lostLeaving behind the line... she wasn't supposed to cross Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 I was updating as you posted. Well... I think I'm exploring the cost of crossing the line. You can go there little girl, but it's going to cost you. Is that cost worth the price? She thinks so and she's right. So the lines she crosses earlier in life all add up to this day of freedom. She was bullied and made fun of. She was smart when she should be acting cute. She got angry when she should've kept her pretty little mouth shut. She said {censored} you all pretty and nice, well worth the cost at twice the price.The line she wasn't supposed to cross Was getting smaller in her rear view mirrorFlipped the coin she was too scared to tossAs she drove on outta hereFreedom comes at a costOne thing found for one thing lostLeaving behind the line... she wasn't supposed to cross love it 'Flipped the coin she was too scared to toss' doesn't really jive though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 The line she wasn't supposed to cross Was getting smaller in her rear view mirrorFlipped the coin she was too scared to tossAs she drove on outta hereFreedom comes at a costOne thing found for one thing lostLeaving behind the line... she wasn't supposed to cross It's good. It's all right. But there are two things bugging me a little. Maybe I'm wrong, but "The line she wasn't supposed to cross" feels a bit clunky in terms of its rhythm. It doesn't feel like it would sing well. "The line she shouldn't have crossed" feels a little better, but it might still be too clunky. This is your title line, so it needs to really pop. The second problem -- "flipped the coin she was too scared to toss" -- has an easier fix. The way it's written now there's an internal logic/verb tense problem. If she was really too scared then she wouldn't have tossed the coin. It should be "flipped the coin she'd been too scared to toss." I like the last four lines a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 4, 2012 Author Moderators Share Posted October 4, 2012 It's good. It's all right. But there are two things bugging me a little. Maybe I'm wrong, but "The line she wasn't supposed to cross" feels a bit clunky in terms of its rhythm. It doesn't feel like it would sing well. "The line she shouldn't have crossed" feels a little better, but it might still be too clunky. This is your title line, so it needs to really pop. The second problem -- "flipped the coin she was too scared to toss" -- has an easier fix. The way it's written now there's an internal logic/verb tense problem. If she was really too scared then she wouldn't have tossed the coin. It should be "flipped the coin she'd been too scared to toss." I like the last four lines a lot. You both are pointing out things I've been wrestling with. 'Flipped the coin she was too scared to toss' doesn't really jive though I've changed it back and forth from a few different things. And still am... Lee's suggestion of: flipped the coin she'd been too scared to toss This works and I was toying with cleaning up the logic in a similar way. Why I went back to the original, but I probably won't stay there cause I agree with you guys. But why I went back was because it sort of works in a shorthand logic. If she was too scared to toss it and she's tossing it... well, that says a lot in a little space. Clearly she isn't too scared now. At the time of the aforementioned flipping. She was though. But yes, it is awkward and I agree. In Lee's fix there's a cool little tongue twisting play with "she'd been." Jam it together and you get sheedbeentooscared That really sings well. Then follow with 2 "t" sounds stretching the rhythm and you get "sheedbeentooscared... to... toss Nice. OK... regarding the title line. Yep. The line was born out of conversation. So as an experiment I brought it in as is. And it's clunky. However... phrased a certain way it works. Maybe. The jury us still out because so far this is mental and not at my guitar with voice. The liiiine........ she wasn't! supposedto... cross So that ^ works. But, in doing that, that really takes the place of two lines of real estate. And I have a 2nd line waiting to be smooshed in. The line she wasn't supposed to cross Was getting smaller in her rear view mirror So one thought I had was to have background vocals take the The liiiine........ she wasn't! supposedto... cross and have the lead singer then start the chorus with the line "was gettin'; smaller in her rear view mirror". Like this (The liiiine........ she wasn't! supposedto...) Was getting (cross) smaller in her rear view mirror What I like about the title line (maybe I think sort of) is that it is provocative. The line she wasn't supposed to cross. And in its awkwardness, it stimulates interest. Like these movie titles: The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill, But Came Down a Mountain How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Too Afraid To Ask Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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