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The Line She Wasn't Supposed to Cross

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  • #31
    Well, to clarify or muddy the waters further... however you want to look at it.

    I think the coin flipping is even more out of character after you described her. She doesn't seem like the type of person who would need to flip a coin to decide to go. I do like the free spirit it implies... maybe she flipped the coin to decide which direction? That might be fun to work into the verses.


    Ah. I see. OK, the direction I'm seeing this go with the verses is her many tosses of the coin. The many times she paid the price for speaking her mind , or even just having one. So. I was seeing her as a kid and weighing up the cost of talking back to an **************************** teacher. Are we ready to flip this coin? Deliberating... still holding sir... and... go. "From what I understand, the earth is much older than the bible says it is." "It's just hair color!" "But I don't like to wear dresses!" And forever branded a trouble maker. The cost. Worth it at thrice the price. So, the coin motive will hopefully be used more in the verses. Maybe, I hope, kinda.

    So she is the type. Always weighing the cost of her big mouth and the truth.
    __________
    Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
    Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
    Jesus

    Comment


    • #32
      Ah. I see. OK, the direction I'm seeing this go with the verses is her many tosses of the coin. The many times she paid the price for speaking her mind , or even just having one. So. I was seeing her as a kid and weighing up the cost of talking back to an **************************** teacher. Are we ready to flip this coin? Deliberating... still holding sir... and... go. "From what I understand, the earth is much older than the bible says it is." "It's just hair color!" "But I don't like to wear dresses!" And forever branded a trouble maker. The cost. Worth it at thrice the price. So, the coin motive will hopefully be used more in the verses. Maybe, I hope, kinda.

      So she is the type. Always weighing the cost of her big mouth and the truth.


      I kinda see where you are coming from, but to me a coin toss implies leaving it up to chance so I don't really get deliberation.
      ...

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      • #33
        I kinda see where you are coming from, but to me a coin toss implies leaving it up to chance so I don't really get deliberation.


        Interesting. That may be what's been niggling me.
        __________
        Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
        Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
        Jesus

        Comment


        • #34
          Interesting. That may be what's been niggling me.


          I once had someone tell me we would flip a coin and instead of showing me heads or tails, she asked what did you hope for first when the coin went in the air.

          I don't know if you could work that in, but it might be neat if you did. Maybe that's what she does, and her big mouth always wins.
          ...

          Comment


          • #35
            I'm still not sure "Flipped the coin she'd been too scared to toss" doesn't work. I just reread the chorus and sang my melody in my head and it sure sounds good. It just means roll the dice doesn't it? I mean, leaving town is just the culmination of all the lines she'd crossed in the past growing up. And it all leads to this moment. Another toss of the coin. Another line being crossed. Another price to pay. All in a continuing series of crossed lines in her life. I think I wanna marry this girl. Oh wait, I did.
            __________
            Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
            Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
            Jesus

            Comment


            • #36
              In context:

              The line she wasn't supposed to cross
              Was getting smaller in her rear view mirror
              Flipped the coin she'd been too scared to toss
              As she drove on outta here
              Freedom comes at a cost
              One... thing... found... for something lost
              Leaving behind the line... she wasn't supposed to cross
              __________
              Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
              Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
              Jesus

              Comment


              • #37

                *Updating here as I go:

                The line she wasn't supposed to cross
                Was getting smaller in her rear view mirror
                Flipped the coin she'd been too scared to toss
                As she drove on outta here
                Freedom comes at a cost
                One... thing... found... for something lost
                Leaving behind the line... she wasn't supposed to cross


                There isn't music posted for this yet, right?

                I like the rewrite better. The "One thing found" line is the clincher. But it's not firing on all cylinders yet.

                "Something found, and something lost" has a nice repetitive ring to it.
                Or play on a losing equation: "Something found, too much is lost," or some variation of that equation idea ("One thing found, but what is lost")?

                Upon further review, your, "for so something lost" does hint pretty solidly for the negative equation idea. . . . , carry on. You will not be charged a time-out.
                http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGxDwt26FZc
                http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/marshallsongs
                http://www.reverbnation.com/#!/marshallsongs

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                • #38
                  Whether you come out and say it or just hint at it, you either have a specific story in mind or you just let the rhymes write it for you.

                  The whole notion of "This is meant to be interpreted many different ways... I'll let the auidence figure it out" gets old to me.



                  Bravo ! ! !
                  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGxDwt26FZc
                  http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/marshallsongs
                  http://www.reverbnation.com/#!/marshallsongs

                  Comment


                  • #39

                    One... thing... found... for something lost
                    Leaving behind the line... she wasn't supposed to cross


                    I like the original: "One thing found for one thing lost."

                    Though being a cynic, I would probably say "One thing found for all things lost." In other words, she's lost more than she's gained, but she's all right with that; she's still willing to roll the dice, toss the coin, and cross those lines she shouldn't have crossed.
                    “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

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                    • #40
                      I like the original: "One thing found for one thing lost."

                      Though being a cynic, I would probably say "One thing found for all things lost." In other words, she's lost more than she's gained, but she's all right with that; she's still willing to roll the dice, toss the coin, and cross those lines she shouldn't have crossed.


                      Being an uncynic, I would probably say that the "one thing found" could be worth it. Depends on what it is.
                      ...

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        I have nothing to add, but I'm enjoying the conversation. It has gone a lot deeper than I originally expected this thread to.
                        Don't listen to Justin.
                        LCK - 2/21/2012

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Being an uncynic, I would probably say that the "one thing found" could be worth it. Depends on what it is.


                          I agree. Mentioning the parallelism of "One thing found for one thing lost", I like that as it speaks to her reoccurring familiarity with the exchange. It sounds a bit like an old saying. I like that. Lee's ideas on making it more true and realistic are good, but I really want the singablity here too. So the parralel nature of the original, "one thing found for one thing lost" works both in its rhythmic feel, and its content, as you see it above.

                          The idea behind behind "One thing found, for somethin' lost" was a) that it is in a way a rhyme. Somethin'. Somethin' lost sings really well. And b) it's call and response sound rhythmically. "One thing" works as a series of accented, staccato notes: One! Thing! found. Followed by a more legato answer with "fersomethin'lost"

                          Bump! bump! bump!, bahdidabump
                          __________
                          Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
                          Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
                          Jesus

                          Comment



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