Members bee3 Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 Here's another simple one. Came up with it this morning... while working from home... I stayed home because my stomach is torn apart and being in the office all day seemed rather torturous. And so it goes... the life of the corporate clone. (The 'security' issues on this site are maddening. I may write a hate song about it). http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11926905Updated: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11927924 I have no worryThen again life is kind of blurryI don't need to watch a watch make time go by Your days they're kind of stressfulWon't you settle downWe'll have a restful situationBy which we'll abide And no, life's not really this wayIf only we could tune it all out when we close our eyesMaybe one day we canOnce the kids are grown and our worries, they no longer applyUntil then we'll dream like this... ... is crazyWe should live our lives kind of lazyEnjoying everythingWhile we have time And no, life's not really this wayIf only we could tune it all out when we close our eyesMaybe one day we canOnce the kids are grown and our worries, they no longer applyUntil then we'll dream like this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 The melody on this line is incredible: If only we could tune it all out when we close our eyes I also love the lift at the end on "dream like this...", it leads wonderfully into the lead bit. The ending is cool, but in some ways I wish you had just faded out on the solo. This seems like an ideal piece to walk away at its apex. A couple lines felt funny to me.: life is kind of blurry - just seems like a weird connection that felt like a forced rhymeEnjoying everything - nothing lyrical, but "enjoying" sounds funny. Not sure if you could phrase it differently or perhaps a word change might be warranted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 4, 2012 Moderators Share Posted October 4, 2012 I love the lyric!!! Very cool. This section: And no, life's not really this wayIf only we could tune it all out when we close our eyesMaybe one day we canOnce the kids are grown and our worries, they no longer applyUntil then we'll dream like this... This feels a little unanchored melodically. More the melodic rhythm but the pitches as well. It doesn't feel like you're using the words in an advantageous way with regards to their internal rhythm. I'd look at either finding how to make that section pop melodic-rhythmically, or edit the words to make them pop more naturally. The content is great but the bounce and feel of certainty on that section isn't quite there yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted October 4, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 Thanks both. Regarding the rhythm and cadence, it was a rush job (I'm supposed to be working!). I haven't had a chance to do my drive around in the car and listen to it 100 times. Hopefully, once I do that... it'll come together more smoothly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 A couple lines felt funny to me.:life is kind of blurry - just seems like a weird connection that felt like a forced rhymeEnjoying everything - nothing lyrical, but "enjoying" sounds funny. Not sure if you could phrase it differently or perhaps a word change might be warranted. I agree about the word "enjoying," but disagree with Justin O. on "life is kind of blurry." I like that. I also like the way the vocal comes back in after the solo. Nice work. Very listenable, and something I'd want to listen to over and over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 4, 2012 Moderators Share Posted October 4, 2012 Thanks both. Regarding the rhythm and cadence, it was a rush job (I'm supposed to be working!). I haven't had a chance to do my drive around in the car and listen to it 100 times. Hopefully, once I do that... it'll come together more smoothly. Yo entiendo mi amigo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted October 5, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 5, 2012 Made some updates... hoping it flows a little better. Some minor lyrical changes, added some acoustic guitar and some background vox. http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11927924 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ShadowsofBirds Posted October 5, 2012 Members Share Posted October 5, 2012 The arrangement/orchestration is standout awesome. I feel like the track after this on the record should be a cover of My Blue Heaven. (that's some good company, eh?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 5, 2012 Members Share Posted October 5, 2012 Really like the way the tune is arranged, particularly this..... Until then we'll dream like this... ... is crazy We should live our lives kind of lazy Enjoying everything While we have time Wonderful melodic variations abound. Great to hear the guitar coming in as well. But I keep getting stuck on that very first line. That 'worry/blurry' rhyme just seems too.......easy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted October 5, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 5, 2012 Worry hurry? Better or easier? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ShadowsofBirds Posted October 5, 2012 Members Share Posted October 5, 2012 furry! life is kind of furry! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 5, 2012 Members Share Posted October 5, 2012 Worry hurry? Better or easier? My problem with the line isn't that necessarily the rhyme, but that the line itself seems to have no meaning. The wording of the line makes it seem like it should be an important counterpoint, but it falls a good deal short of that. I think I get the opposing themes, but I still don't think it works. Now, if it was something like "as life starts to blur we" I could get much more firmly behind it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted October 5, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 5, 2012 My problem with the line isn't that necessarily the rhyme, but that the line itself seems to have no meaning. The wording of the line makes it seem like it should be an important counterpoint, but it falls a good deal short of that. I think I get the opposing themes, but I still don't think it works.Now, if it was something like "as life starts to blur we" I could get much more firmly behind it. Yeah, they were the first lyrics that came out... and I think I was thinking that the song would go in a different direction. How about: Life, it should be peacefulTo know our place is rather usefulWe don't need to watch a watch make time go by Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 5, 2012 Members Share Posted October 5, 2012 Yeah, they were the first lyrics that came out... and I think I was thinking that the song would go in a different direction. How about:Life, it should be peacefulTo know our place is rather usefulWe don't need to watch a watch make time go by Did I mention that I really, really like the idea of life being blurry. That's brilliant. There are some days where everything is a blur, you're rushing around, trying to get places on time. It's all a blur. The only problem I see with the opening verse is that it should probably go something like this: I have no worryeven though life is kind of blurryI don't need to watch a watch make time go by or I have no worryeven though life can get blurryI don't need to watch a watch make time go by Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 5, 2012 Members Share Posted October 5, 2012 Did I mention that I really, really like the idea of life being blurry. That's brilliant. There are some days where everything is a blur, you're rushing around, trying to get places on time. It's all a blur.The only problem I see with the opening verse is that it should probably go something like this:I have no worryeven though life is kind of blurryI don't need to watch a watch make time go byorI have no worryeven though life can get blurryI don't need to watch a watch make time go by Life can be a blur but I don't think that blurry works to describe life. Weird. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 5, 2012 Members Share Posted October 5, 2012 Did I mention that I really, really like the idea of life being blurry. That's brilliant. There are some days where everything is a blur, you're rushing around, trying to get places on time. It's all a blur.The only problem I see with the opening verse is that it should probably go something like this:I have no worryeven though life is kind of blurryI don't need to watch a watch make time go byorI have no worryeven though life can get blurryI don't need to watch a watch make time go by Neither of these lines bother me like the current one does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 5, 2012 Members Share Posted October 5, 2012 Life can be a blur but I don't think that blurry works to describe life. I agree with that. I think you could get away with... I have no worryeven though life is a blurI don't need to watch a watch make time go by As a listener I get that rhyme, even if it is only implied. Although you could get the rhyme even closer by singing it as... I have no worryeven though life is a blur....IDon't need to watch a watch make time go by Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted October 6, 2012 Members Share Posted October 6, 2012 ^^ that's what I would do, being the EXPERT songwriter that I am. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted October 8, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 So... what about: I have no worryDon't want to live my life in a hurryI don't need to watch a watch make time go by Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 8, 2012 Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 So... what about:I have no worryDon't want to live my life in a hurryI don't need to watch a watch make time go by To beat a dead horse, "life is kind of blurry" is a great line. In fact it's one of the best lines in the song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 8, 2012 Moderators Share Posted October 8, 2012 To beat a dead horse, "life is kind of blurry" is a great line. In fact it's one of the best lines in the song. I agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted October 8, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 If it's ok with the Lees, it's ok with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 8, 2012 Members Share Posted October 8, 2012 To beat a dead horse, "life is kind of blurry" is a great line. In fact it's one of the best lines in the song. It certainly is much better than the cliche worry/hurry pairing. I just really dislike the set up of the line and hope Justin changes to one of your suggestions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted October 9, 2012 Members Share Posted October 9, 2012 I'm late to the party, so I'll grab a different line to pick on: By which we'll abide ...sounds kind of stilted and un-conversational. Plus, I don't think the meaning really fits. It makes me think, "we shall abide by this rule." The rhyme is a long I sound, so you should have plenty of replacement word choices for building a new line. I really like the melody. It has shades of "Our House," but not enough to sound borrowed. I'm also getting a little John Lennon vibe for some reason. Again, in a good way, not a borrowed way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mahuska Posted October 9, 2012 Members Share Posted October 9, 2012 So... what about:I have no worryDon't want to live my life in a hurryI don't need to watch a watch make time go by You read my mind. I heard this revision in my head before reading this. Wow. Cool song dude Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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