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  • A Perfect Life

    Here's another simple one. Came up with it this morning... while working from home... I stayed home because my stomach is torn apart and being in the office all day seemed rather torturous. And so it goes... the life of the corporate clone.

    (The 'security' issues on this site are maddening. I may write a hate song about it).

    http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11926905
    Updated: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11927924

    I have no worry
    Then again life is kind of blurry
    I don't need to watch a watch make time go by

    Your days they're kind of stressful
    Won't you settle down
    We'll have a restful situation
    By which we'll abide

    And no, life's not really this way
    If only we could tune it all out when we close our eyes
    Maybe one day we can
    Once the kids are grown and our worries, they no longer apply
    Until then we'll dream like this...

    ... is crazy
    We should live our lives kind of lazy
    Enjoying everything
    While we have time

    And no, life's not really this way
    If only we could tune it all out when we close our eyes
    Maybe one day we can
    Once the kids are grown and our worries, they no longer apply
    Until then we'll dream like this...

  • #2
    The melody on this line is incredible:

    If only we could tune it all out when we close our eyes


    I also love the lift at the end on "dream like this...", it leads wonderfully into the lead bit.

    The ending is cool, but in some ways I wish you had just faded out on the solo. This seems like an ideal piece to walk away at its apex.

    A couple lines felt funny to me.:

    life is kind of blurry - just seems like a weird connection that felt like a forced rhyme
    Enjoying everything - nothing lyrical, but "enjoying" sounds funny. Not sure if you could phrase it differently or perhaps a word change might be warranted.
    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012

    Comment


    • #3
      I love the lyric!!! Very cool. This section:

      And no, life's not really this way
      If only we could tune it all out when we close our eyes
      Maybe one day we can
      Once the kids are grown and our worries, they no longer apply
      Until then we'll dream like this...


      This feels a little unanchored melodically. More the melodic rhythm but the pitches as well. It doesn't feel like you're using the words in an advantageous way with regards to their internal rhythm. I'd look at either finding how to make that section pop melodic-rhythmically, or edit the words to make them pop more naturally. The content is great but the bounce and feel of certainty on that section isn't quite there yet.
      __________
      Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

      Comment


      • #4
        Thanks both.

        Regarding the rhythm and cadence, it was a rush job (I'm supposed to be working!). I haven't had a chance to do my drive around in the car and listen to it 100 times. Hopefully, once I do that... it'll come together more smoothly.

        Comment


        • #5
          A couple lines felt funny to me.:

          life is kind of blurry - just seems like a weird connection that felt like a forced rhyme
          Enjoying everything - nothing lyrical, but "enjoying" sounds funny. Not sure if you could phrase it differently or perhaps a word change might be warranted.


          I agree about the word "enjoying," but disagree with Justin O. on "life is kind of blurry." I like that.

          I also like the way the vocal comes back in after the solo.

          Nice work. Very listenable, and something I'd want to listen to over and over.
          “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

          Comment


          • #6
            Thanks both.

            Regarding the rhythm and cadence, it was a rush job (I'm supposed to be working!). I haven't had a chance to do my drive around in the car and listen to it 100 times. Hopefully, once I do that... it'll come together more smoothly.



            Yo entiendo mi amigo.
            __________
            Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

            Comment


            • #7
              Made some updates... hoping it flows a little better. Some minor lyrical changes, added some acoustic guitar and some background vox.

              http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11927924

              Comment


              • #8
                The arrangement/orchestration is standout awesome. I feel like the track after this on the record should be a cover of My Blue Heaven. (that's some good company, eh?)
                Aaron McDonald | Comic Book Music (and not comic book music)

                Comment


                • #9
                  Really like the way the tune is arranged, particularly this.....

                  Until then we'll dream like this...

                  ... is crazy
                  We should live our lives kind of lazy
                  Enjoying everything
                  While we have time


                  Wonderful melodic variations abound. Great to hear the guitar coming in as well.

                  But I keep getting stuck on that very first line. That 'worry/blurry' rhyme just seems too.......easy.
                  Leonard Scaper

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Worry hurry? Better or easier?

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      furry! life is kind of furry!
                      Aaron McDonald | Comic Book Music (and not comic book music)

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Worry hurry? Better or easier?


                        My problem with the line isn't that necessarily the rhyme, but that the line itself seems to have no meaning. The wording of the line makes it seem like it should be an important counterpoint, but it falls a good deal short of that. I think I get the opposing themes, but I still don't think it works.

                        Now, if it was something like "as life starts to blur we" I could get much more firmly behind it.
                        Don't listen to Justin.
                        LCK - 2/21/2012

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          My problem with the line isn't that necessarily the rhyme, but that the line itself seems to have no meaning. The wording of the line makes it seem like it should be an important counterpoint, but it falls a good deal short of that. I think I get the opposing themes, but I still don't think it works.

                          Now, if it was something like "as life starts to blur we" I could get much more firmly behind it.

                          Yeah, they were the first lyrics that came out... and I think I was thinking that the song would go in a different direction. How about:

                          Life, it should be peaceful
                          To know our place is rather useful
                          We don't need to watch a watch make time go by

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Yeah, they were the first lyrics that came out... and I think I was thinking that the song would go in a different direction. How about:

                            Life, it should be peaceful
                            To know our place is rather useful
                            We don't need to watch a watch make time go by


                            Did I mention that I really, really like the idea of life being blurry. That's brilliant. There are some days where everything is a blur, you're rushing around, trying to get places on time. It's all a blur.

                            The only problem I see with the opening verse is that it should probably go something like this:

                            I have no worry
                            even though life is kind of blurry
                            I don't need to watch a watch make time go by

                            or

                            I have no worry
                            even though life can get blurry
                            I don't need to watch a watch make time go by
                            “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Did I mention that I really, really like the idea of life being blurry. That's brilliant. There are some days where everything is a blur, you're rushing around, trying to get places on time. It's all a blur.

                              The only problem I see with the opening verse is that it should probably go something like this:

                              I have no worry
                              even though life is kind of blurry
                              I don't need to watch a watch make time go by

                              or

                              I have no worry
                              even though life can get blurry
                              I don't need to watch a watch make time go by


                              Life can be a blur but I don't think that blurry works to describe life. Weird.
                              ...

                              Comment



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