Members Swingfinger Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 Any feedback on melody/lyrics would be appreciated http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1_5Ogm7c8I&feature=plcp Verse 1 Karissa with a Kkeeping this love togetherdancing in stormy weatherdancing in stormy weatherKarissa with a KThe shadows try to break throughBut sunshine sits beside yousunshine sits beside you Chorus Oooooo oooo oooo Something bout this feelingOooooo oooo oooo like dancing on the ceilingand your eyes are like the changing seasonswill the winds blow them in my direction Verse 2 Karissa with a KNo matter what you go throughI wrote this song to warm youI wrote this song to warm youKarissa with a KThe cold night air surrounds youbut my words will always find youmy words will always find you Chorus Oooooo oooo oooo Something bout this feelingOooooo oooo oooo like dancing on the ceilingand your eyes are like the changing seasonswill the winds blow them in my direction BridgeSunlight halo that you wearwhispered favors in your earInscribed yourself with lucky charmsmagic written on your arm Chorus Oooooo oooo oooo Something bout this feelingOooooo oooo oooo like dancing on the ceilingand your eyes are like the changing seasonswill the winds blow them in my directionwill the winds blow them in my direction Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 I think you should consider significantly reducing the lines with a dragged word. Not saying to cut them out of the song entirely, just sing the line without the drag. You also want to careful about which word gets the treatment. For instance, the opening line has some potential, but the the "a" being made so melodically prominent gets in the way. To me, anyway. If something should be featured, it is the "K". The "feeling/ceiling" lines might need review. Not only are they not as good as the rest, but they immediately bring the Lionel Ritchie song to mind. It might be a different direction than you are planning, but I can't help but wonder what it would sound like if you moved the bridge between V2 and C2 and dropped C3 altogether. If not, maybe make C2 an abridged version by snipping the final two lines making the bridge feel more surprising. Just something to tweak the overall predictability of the piece. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 How are you doing? Haven't seen you or your brother around here for ages. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Swingfinger Posted October 4, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 How are you doing? Haven't seen you or your brother around here for ages. I'm doing well. Moved down close to my brother and we're playing music together Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 The shadows try to break through But sunshine sits beside you sunshine sits beside you and your eyes are like the changing seasons will the winds blow them in my direction The cold night air surrounds you but my words will always find you my words will always find you These words, I like. The others, they're still good but these stand out to me. It has a slight air of ominousness somewhere in there...like she's cold and needs your words to warm her, or something's wrong with her but you're there for her...and at the same time you want her but is she aware / does she want you back? Maybe not. It seems both of you have darkness / shadows and could help each other, but...it may never happen that way. I like that (or my interpretation of it, anyway) And yes, Lionel Ritchie came to my mind too. I thought your line about dancing on the ceiling was a nod to that Lionel song actually, like a little joke type thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ShadowsofBirds Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 First impression: Good song.I like the picking pattern. Vocal Melody works - good cadence. Nothing stands out lyrically as awkward. Maybe try adding a couple measures walking the guitar from the chorus into the bridge?Maybe add some embellishments/ornamental notes in the space coming out of the chorus into the verse?I don't know that the song necessarily needs either of those, but it may improve it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Swingfinger Posted October 4, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 I'll just pretend it was an affectionate cheesy nod Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 Sweet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 Love the song musically. Nice chords nice melody. Nice rhythm. I like the chorus lines: Oooooo oooo oooo Something bout this feelingOooooo oooo oooo like dancing on the ceiling Fun. Easy to grasp. Yet unique. I want to know more about this feeling and the dancing on the ceiling thing. Just about all the rest of the words, except for Karissa with a K, sound like you were plugging in rhymes. Well worn phrases. No real direction. No real story line. No development. I'm not trying to be a hard guy. I would call this a wonderful start to a song. I suggest you go out and find some interesting storyline that develops around the singer's relationship to Karissa and fits the mood that will put some flesh on the skeleton. Maybe try to work around the dancing on the ceiling imagery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted October 6, 2012 Members Share Posted October 6, 2012 First impression: Good song. I like the picking pattern. Vocal Melody works - good cadence. Nothing stands out lyrically as awkward. Maybe try adding a couple measures walking the guitar from the chorus into the bridge? Maybe add some embellishments/ornamental notes in the space coming out of the chorus into the verse? I don't know that the song necessarily needs either of those, but it may improve it. +1, and stick with your story about an affectionate cheesy nod. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted October 6, 2012 Members Share Posted October 6, 2012 I like the verse melody a lot. Very nice. I think the chorus melody is too subdued. I'd go more conventional there, with higher notes and more emotional intensity. The fact that the chorus starts on a minor chord might be part of the problem there. The melody and minor chord tonality sounds too much like a bridge, in my opinion. The bridge melody is good, but I'd change it up a little more after the second or third line. I quite like the lyric. I'm going to have to disagree with Marshall about the need for more story line development. As it is, it's basically just a series of pleasant images, which is just fine with me. I especially like these lines: But sunshine sits beside you sunshine sits beside you Sunlight halo that you wear whispered favors in your ear Inscribed yourself with lucky charms magic written on your arm The only line that really bothered me was 'dancing on the ceiling,' which was a hugely popular song when I was in high school. But for folks of a different age group who don't know that song, it might not be a problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Swingfinger Posted October 7, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 Just about all the rest of the words, except for Karissa with a K, sound like you were plugging in rhymes. Well worn phrases. No real direction. No real story line. No development.I'm not trying to be a hard guy. I would call this a wonderful start to a song. I suggest you go out and find some interesting storyline that develops around the singer's relationship to Karissa and fits the mood that will put some flesh on the skeleton. Maybe try to work around the dancing on the ceiling imagery. I understand... I was just trying to create imagery but I can see how you would be bored by that. I actually wrote this for a girl I know and she really loved it because it was personalized for her but for anyone else it might be a bit tedious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marshal Posted October 7, 2012 Members Share Posted October 7, 2012 . . . , I actually wrote this for a girl I know and she really loved it because it was personalized for her . . . , You win the prize, then ! +1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mahuska Posted October 9, 2012 Members Share Posted October 9, 2012 Not familiar with the Lionel Ritchie song, so can't ad anything there. As a listener I enjoyed this tune nice guitar/Vox/melody along with a theme I could follow. I'll allow the Song-smiths give their expertise as far as fine tuning. Good job Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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