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  • #31






    Quote Originally Posted by oldgitplayer
    View Post

    I'm liking where you are with the chorus.



    Here are 2 thoughts :



    1. Maybe leave out 'little' - it may be difficult to sing, and it is implied in the overall sentence.

    2. 'Long gone' is strong - why not repeat it?



    You're not a girl, I'm not your daddy

    There is no Superman, Lady Penelope

    The world's a better place to live

    When we beg, borrow and give

    Our heroes are long gone

    Long gone, Lady Penelope










    Quote Originally Posted by stickboymusic
    View Post

    Is the below in keeping with the song?



    You're not a girl, I'm not your daddy

    There is no Superman, Lady Penelope

    The world's a better place to live

    When we beg, borrow and give

    Our heroes are long gone

    FAREWELL, Lady Penelope




    I like both of those. That's going in the mix. It has a nice wrap up quality to it.
    __________
    Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
    Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
    Jesus

    Comment


    • #32
      Also on this.



      There's a better place, a place for gentle hands

      A place with bigger plans, for me and you

      And when our world (WALLS?)starts to TUMBLE, logic STARTS TO CRUMBLE

      "I love you's" turn to mumble, I still love you

      Comment


      • #33
        nice^
        __________
        Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
        Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
        Jesus

        Comment


        • #34
          You're not a girl, I'm not your daddy

          There is no Superman, Lady Penelope

          THE LINE HAS GONE ASTRAY (this line may need work)

          AND IT SADDENS ME TO SAY (taken partially from your old line and ending on a penelope rhyme)

          Our heroes are long gone

          FAREWELL, Lady Penelope

          Comment


          • #35






            Quote Originally Posted by stickboymusic
            View Post

            You're not a girl, I'm not your daddy

            There is no Superman, Lady Penelope

            THE LINE HAS GONE ASTRAY (this line may need work)

            AND IT SADDENS ME TO SAY (taken partially from your old line and ending on a penelope rhyme)

            Our heroes are long gone

            FAREWELL, Lady Penelope




            I couple of things. The beginning of rewriting those two lines is hugely helpful. I got kinda married to them but knew they weren't right. So, nice. But I'm not getting the Penelope rhyme. To me, there is no Penelope rhyme. I never intended one. So where are you seeing it?



            And... while I love the word "farewell" there, it makes it sound like we're bidding Penelope farewell. When really, it's the heroes that are gone. Right? Or no? I might be getting a little lost on your take of here...
            __________
            Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
            Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
            Jesus

            Comment


            • #36






              Quote Originally Posted by Lee Knight
              View Post

              I couple of things. The beginning of rewriting those two lines is hugely helpful. I got kinda married to them but knew they weren't right. So, nice. But I'm not getting the Penelope rhyme. To me, there is no Penelope rhyme. I never intended one. So where are you seeing it?



              And... while I love the word "farewell" there, it makes it sound like we're bidding Penelope farewell. When really, it's the heroes that are gone. Right? Or no? I might be getting a little lost on your take of here...




              Ahhh yeh...ok my accent has a partial rhyme with "say" and "penelope". Of course yours doesnt!



              I assume from your response that you dont want a rhyme there? I think one would suit the place but do as you will.



              Farewell - hmmmm maybe I am still not fully reading into the song. The HEROES are gone, sure.... but is she not seeing you as the hero instead of a human partner?



              It's likely I have missed the concept - oops!

              Comment


              • #37






                Quote Originally Posted by Lee Knight
                View Post

                It's too cryptic for its own good.




                The world's a better place to live

                When we beg, borrow and give




                Love the line, love the cryptic. Relationships ARE cryptic!!!



                Slight variation to personalise :



                Our world's a better place to live

                When we beg, borrow and give
                'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
                CHARLIE PARKER

                Comment


                • #38






                  Quote Originally Posted by stickboymusic
                  View Post

                  Ahhh yeh...ok my accent has a partial rhyme with "say" and "penelope". Of course yours doesnt!



                  I assume from your response that you don't want a rhyme there? I think one would suit the place but do as you will.



                  Farewell - hmmmm maybe I am still not fully reading into the song. The HEROES are gone, sure.... but is she not seeing you as the hero instead of a human partner?



                  It's likely I have missed the concept - oops!




                  Ah!!! I see. It's not that I don't want a rhyme there. That would work dandily! It that I didn't initially intend one. And I could see yours. got it.



                  "but is she not seeing you as the hero instead of a human partner", yeah, you got it. But I'm not bidding her goodbye. I'm working out details so we can go forward together. So "long gone" works for me because we're talking about heroes.
                  __________
                  Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
                  Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
                  Jesus

                  Comment


                  • #39






                    Quote Originally Posted by Lee Knight
                    View Post

                    Ah!!! I see. It's not that I don't want a rhyme there. That would work dandily! It that I didn't initially intend one. And I could see yours. got it.



                    "but is she not seeing you as the hero instead of a human partner", yeah, you got it. But I'm not bidding her goodbye. I'm working out details so we can go forward together. So "long gone" works for me because we're talking about heroes.




                    Im with you.... mostly.

                    Comment


                    • #40






                      Quote Originally Posted by oldgitplayer
                      View Post

                      The world's a better place to live

                      When we beg, borrow and give




                      Love the line, love the cryptic. Relationships ARE cryptic!!!



                      Slight variation to personalise :



                      Our world's a better place to live

                      When we beg, borrow and give




                      Wow. That is a very small but potent change there. I like that. Yeah, I really do like those lines. They're very emotional for me too. It was with a lot of pain that I communicated those ideas to "Penelope". To scrap it out here on earth is far better than to dream of and bemoan the absence of a silver spoon.
                      __________
                      Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
                      Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
                      Jesus

                      Comment


                      • #41






                        Quote Originally Posted by stickboymusic
                        View Post

                        Im with you.... mostly.




                        Our heroes are long gone, and I never one one of them.
                        __________
                        Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
                        Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
                        Jesus

                        Comment


                        • #42






                          Quote Originally Posted by Lee Knight
                          View Post

                          Our heroes are long gone, and I never one one of them.




                          I "was" confused



                          What is the word where you are beyond this?

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Sorry about my horrible mistyping. No wonder you were confused. I gotta slow down.
                            __________
                            Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
                            Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
                            Jesus

                            Comment


                            • #44






                              Quote Originally Posted by LCK
                              View Post

                              How about "the desert was electric, the daily dialectic was so far away?"




                              I forgot to mention at the time how clever that is. Dielectric is awesome. I feels too scientific for the tone here, but... wow, that's pretty clever. Spot on in its meaning. Nice alliteration too.
                              __________
                              Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
                              Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
                              Jesus

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                B

                                Remember the time spent driving in your car?

                                The desert was electric, the day to day that can be so hectic

                                Was so far... away
                                __________
                                Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
                                Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
                                Jesus

                                Comment













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