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"The Other Side of Blue" - a WIP (borrowed from Stick's song w/ the same title)


LCK

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Both the lines with "like" in them bug me, as if the comparison could be so much better if they weren't dampened in that manner.

 

 

Understood.

 

Every single time it rains

I respond as if on cue.

You're the bell, I'm Pavlov

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Thank you, Grace!


Love your new photo!

 

 

Thank ye! I was sunning myself on vacation on the beach where I now live. (well, I don't literally live ON the beach. I am not a homeless sand-dweller). lol

 

My legs look so long and slim. *sigh of longing for my younger self* And I am actually lightly tanned in this photo. Weird how now that I LIVE here in the sun, I am ghostly pale. *shaking head in wonderment*

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I've just read the lyric in it's revised form, and in both versions the mention of Pavlov bugs me.

The rest of the lyric has a good feel, but 'Pavlov' clunks for me.

 

Also I think that the dog and cog lines might be better developed as a continuation of the 'rain' setup line.

The bell, the dog, the wheel and cog seem to appear out of nowhere.

 

Intellectually I know what you're doing, but from a songwriting perspective, I think those lines could be bettered.

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This came to me driving a few minutes ago. It's not quite right, but it's the sort of thing I had in mind to follow on from rain and build a metaphor :

 

Every single time it rains

I respond as if on cue.

Buried deep, without a spring

Seeds of doubt and memory cling

I can

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This came to me driving a few minutes ago. It's not quite right, but it's the sort of thing I had in mind to follow on from rain and build a metaphor :

 

Every single time it rains

I respond as if on cue.

Buried deep, without a spring

Seeds of doubt and memory cling

I can

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I'm amazed at how much better it is after the little tweaks you made. I could tell something in the first version was off, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

 

These two lines, however, still feel slightly clunky to me:

 

I still have the phantom pains

from when your fingertips withdrew.

 

'Phantom pains' sounds like a digestive malady, and 'fingertips' doesn't seem like the right body part. Maybe try something like 'lingering ache' for the pain line? I'm drawing a blank on 'fingertips.' I know you're trying to avoid tired words like 'heart' and 'arms.' And I think I get the image you're going for: as she withdraws from the last embrace, her fingertips are the last things touching him. But I think the line puts too much focus on something that is not really central to the idea that is being conveyed. Perhaps something other than a body part word is needed. It's her love that is withdrawing, and the body part reference is sort of distracting. But just substituting 'love' for 'fingertips' would be boring. Hmm, must ponder some more...

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You're probably right about Pavlov. It doesn't really flow from talking about the rain...


There's either a missing piece, or I need to restructure that verse.

 

 

Pavlov is a word and theme that scans weird but somehow sounds perfect when you perform it. I don't mean "you" in the general sense, I mean you specifically with that great delivery of yours. I suspect any problems with it would lessen if there was a demo.

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Pavlov is a word and theme that scans weird but somehow sounds perfect when you perform it. I don't mean "you" in the general sense, I mean you specifically with that great delivery of yours. I suspect any problems with it would lessen if there was a demo.

 

 

I'd have to get a tune first. (And, according to stick, I'll also need an attorney.)

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I've just read the lyric in it's revised form, and in both versions the mention of Pavlov bugs me.

The rest of the lyric has a good feel, but 'Pavlov' clunks for me.


Also I think that the dog and cog lines might be better developed as a continuation of the 'rain' setup line.

The bell, the dog, the wheel and cog seem to appear out of nowhere.


Intellectually I know what you're doing, but from a songwriting perspective, I think those lines could be bettered.

 

 

This is what I was thinking too

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I'm amazed at how much better it is after the little tweaks you made. I could tell something in the first version was off, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.


These two lines, however, still feel slightly clunky to me:


I still have the phantom pains

from when your fingertips withdrew.


'Phantom pains' sounds like a digestive malady

 

 

Phantom pains refers to the feelings some amputees get, as if their arms and legs were still connected to the body, and still capable of feeling hot or cold, or being in pain.

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