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"The Other Side of Blue" - a WIP (borrowed from Stick's song w/ the same title)

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  • #31
    Thanks for the feedback, man.

    I guess forgot to include the change I made to "the rain shines on the track" line.

    Meanwhile here's another refined version, with a newly "distilled" bridge. I hope it works.

    Verse 3
    [FONT="]I still feel the phantom pains [/FONT]
    [FONT="]from when your arms withdrew.[/FONT]
    [FONT="]Those lips I want ...
    to now unkiss[/FONT]
    [FONT="]still leave me haunt-...
    ed by the dis-[/FONT]
    [FONT="]appearing view [/FONT]
    [FONT="]on the other side of blue.[/FONT]

    [FONT="]I have walked through many half-lit doors[/FONT]
    [FONT="]to waiting eyes that beckoned me like yours.[/FONT]
    [FONT="]Sad girls who always ended in the dark with me[/FONT]
    [FONT="]crying over popcorn at films they didn
    “I started being a songwriter pretending I could do it, and it turned out I could.” —James Taylor.

    Comment


    • #32
      Another upgrade.

      The Other Side of Blue
      [FONT="]
      Just like clockwork when it rains[/FONT]
      [FONT="]I respond as if on cue.[/FONT]
      [FONT="]I might as well
      be in a fog,[/FONT]
      [FONT="]you
      “I started being a songwriter pretending I could do it, and it turned out I could.” —James Taylor.

      Comment


      • #33
        It's getting better with each upgrade. Time for music?
        Beware of deepities.<br>-- Daniel Dennett

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        • #34
          It's getting better with each upgrade. Time for music?


          Thanks.

          The music is coming along, but it's just in my head so far.
          “I started being a songwriter pretending I could do it, and it turned out I could.” —James Taylor.

          Comment


          • #35
            writers?

            Comment


            • #36
              writers?


              Writer's ink? Maybe. I was thinking printer's ink.

              If I could only find a two-syllable synonym for indelible...
              “I started being a songwriter pretending I could do it, and it turned out I could.” —James Taylor.

              Comment


              • #37
                Writer's ink? Maybe. I was thinking printer's ink.

                If I could only find a two-syllable synonym for indelible...


                lasting?

                Comment


                • #38
                  Indelible would probably fit "as-in DELIBLE ink" if you kind of join the as-in and then emphasise the delible.... seems to flow well enough?

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Indelible would probably fit "as-in DELIBLE ink" if you kind of join the as-in and then emphasise the delible.... seems to flow well enough?


                    I'll try it and let you know.
                    “I started being a songwriter pretending I could do it, and it turned out I could.” —James Taylor.

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Nope. It feels way too busy.

                      Thanks, though. It was worth a shot.
                      “I started being a songwriter pretending I could do it, and it turned out I could.” —James Taylor.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Indian ink is black and permanent (and should fit)
                        'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
                        CHARLIE PARKER

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                        • #42
                          In-di-an. Three syllables. Plus, I'm not sure how many people have heard of India ink these days.

                          I'm not 100% happy with clouds as black as ink, but there's another way around it:

                          [FONT="]Just like clockwork when it rains
                          “I started being a songwriter pretending I could do it, and it turned out I could.” —James Taylor.

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Well - you've made it work, but there was greater finality when you used the line, 'You won't come back'.
                            I think the song might be stronger with greater emotional finality in the ending.
                            'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
                            CHARLIE PARKER

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Well - you've made it work, but there was greater finality when you used the line, 'You won't come back'.


                              Good point. Time to re-think some more, I guess.
                              “I started being a songwriter pretending I could do it, and it turned out I could.” —James Taylor.

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                [FONT="]Now I watch the passing trains[/FONT]
                                [FONT="]pretending yours is overdue.[/FONT]
                                [FONT="]Time won
                                “I started being a songwriter pretending I could do it, and it turned out I could.” —James Taylor.

                                Comment

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