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"The Other Side of Blue" - a WIP (borrowed from Stick's song w/ the same title)

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  • #16
    Pavlov is a word and theme that scans weird but somehow sounds perfect when you perform it. I don't mean "you" in the general sense, I mean you specifically with that great delivery of yours. I suspect any problems with it would lessen if there was a demo.


    I'd have to get a tune first. (And, according to stick, I'll also need an attorney.)
    “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

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    • #17
      I've just read the lyric in it's revised form, and in both versions the mention of Pavlov bugs me.
      The rest of the lyric has a good feel, but 'Pavlov' clunks for me.

      Also I think that the dog and cog lines might be better developed as a continuation of the 'rain' setup line.
      The bell, the dog, the wheel and cog seem to appear out of nowhere.

      Intellectually I know what you're doing, but from a songwriting perspective, I think those lines could be bettered.


      This is what I was thinking too
      ...

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      • #18
        I'd have to get a tune first. (And, according to stick, I'll also need an attorney.)


        I think I forgot the "winky" face.

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        • #19


          Ding! Nice, LC...
          __________
          Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
          Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
          Jesus

          Comment


          • #20
            I'm amazed at how much better it is after the little tweaks you made. I could tell something in the first version was off, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

            These two lines, however, still feel slightly clunky to me:

            I still have the phantom pains
            from when your fingertips withdrew.


            'Phantom pains' sounds like a digestive malady


            Phantom pains refers to the feelings some amputees get, as if their arms and legs were still connected to the body, and still capable of feeling hot or cold, or being in pain.
            “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

            Comment


            • #21
              I think I forgot the "winky" face.


              Oops! Me too!
              “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

              Comment


              • #22
                Lyrical upgrade.

                [FONT="]The Other Side of Blue[/FONT]

                [FONT="]It
                “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

                Comment


                • #23
                  I like it. What range of meaning are you trying to address with "blue"?
                  Lyrics Songs Demos Videos Covers Dj Facebook Tumblr

                  Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.

                  -Coco Chanel

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                  • #24
                    I like it. What range of meaning are you trying to address with "blue"?


                    I best answer this...it's my line

                    The other side of blue... the other side of sadness I guess. Happiness

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                    • #25
                      Well, the first verse seems to be about the sky.
                      Lyrics Songs Demos Videos Covers Dj Facebook Tumblr

                      Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.

                      -Coco Chanel

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Well, the first verse seems to be about the sky.


                        I hadn't thought of that.

                        A lot of this is spit balling, so to speak. Whatever sticks to the wall is what I'll keep.
                        “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          I hadn't thought of that.

                          A lot of this is spit balling, so to speak. Whatever sticks to the wall is what I'll keep.


                          I thought it was cool that the "blue" might've been a sky related thing and then becomes more clear as the song goes on.
                          Don't listen to Justin.
                          LCK - 2/21/2012

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                          • #28
                            I thought it was cool that the "blue" might've been a sky related thing and then becomes more clear as the song goes on.


                            That's nice, but the music will probably dispel that idea pretty quickly. It's a blues in a minor key.
                            “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Another lyrical upgrade.

                              A tune is forming in my head as we speak.

                              Life is wonderful. Seriously. Isn't it great to be a songwriter working on a new song?


                              [FONT="]The Other Side of Blue[/FONT]

                              [FONT="]It
                              “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                I prefer your immediately previous version of V2 but admire the quality re-write. Still, I'd go with the previous. It rings truer and sings better. I love however, your V3 but have a few simple suggestions to break it up, make it (perhaps) feel a little more spontaneous and mildly haphazard:


                                Now I watch the passing trains
                                pretending yours is just overdue.
                                Rain shines on the track I try to cope when
                                You won
                                __________
                                Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
                                Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
                                Jesus

                                Comment













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