Members LCK Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 Just two verses that came to me while on the #3 train this rainy NYC afternoon. The Other Side of Blue Every single time it rains I respond as if on cue. I behave like Pavlov Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Swingfinger Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 I love the last two lines in each verse and I really just like both verses a lot overall. Really nice job on them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 3, 2012 Members Share Posted October 3, 2012 Both the lines with "like" in them bug me, as if the comparison could be so much better if they weren't dampened in that manner. Otherwise it is a strong start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 Sounds good so far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 I LOVE these lines. LOVE LOVE LOVE them! *applause* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 4, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 I LOVE these lines. LOVE LOVE LOVE them! *applause* Thank you, Grace! Love your new photo! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 4, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 Both the lines with "like" in them bug me, as if the comparison could be so much better if they weren't dampened in that manner. Understood. Every single time it rains I respond as if on cue. You're the bell, I'm Pavlov Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 Thank you, Grace! Love your new photo! Thank ye! I was sunning myself on vacation on the beach where I now live. (well, I don't literally live ON the beach. I am not a homeless sand-dweller). lol My legs look so long and slim. *sigh of longing for my younger self* And I am actually lightly tanned in this photo. Weird how now that I LIVE here in the sun, I am ghostly pale. *shaking head in wonderment* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 I've just read the lyric in it's revised form, and in both versions the mention of Pavlov bugs me.The rest of the lyric has a good feel, but 'Pavlov' clunks for me. Also I think that the dog and cog lines might be better developed as a continuation of the 'rain' setup line.The bell, the dog, the wheel and cog seem to appear out of nowhere. Intellectually I know what you're doing, but from a songwriting perspective, I think those lines could be bettered. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 This came to me driving a few minutes ago. It's not quite right, but it's the sort of thing I had in mind to follow on from rain and build a metaphor : Every single time it rains I respond as if on cue. Buried deep, without a spring Seeds of doubt and memory cling I can Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 4, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 This came to me driving a few minutes ago. It's not quite right, but it's the sort of thing I had in mind to follow on from rain and build a metaphor : Every single time it rains I respond as if on cue. Buried deep, without a spring Seeds of doubt and memory cling I can Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 We studied Pavlov's dogs in psychology at university...back in the day when I was a bored student who hardly ever went to any of my classes, heheh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 I'll see you in court. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 I'm amazed at how much better it is after the little tweaks you made. I could tell something in the first version was off, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. These two lines, however, still feel slightly clunky to me: I still have the phantom pains from when your fingertips withdrew. 'Phantom pains' sounds like a digestive malady, and 'fingertips' doesn't seem like the right body part. Maybe try something like 'lingering ache' for the pain line? I'm drawing a blank on 'fingertips.' I know you're trying to avoid tired words like 'heart' and 'arms.' And I think I get the image you're going for: as she withdraws from the last embrace, her fingertips are the last things touching him. But I think the line puts too much focus on something that is not really central to the idea that is being conveyed. Perhaps something other than a body part word is needed. It's her love that is withdrawing, and the body part reference is sort of distracting. But just substituting 'love' for 'fingertips' would be boring. Hmm, must ponder some more... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 You're probably right about Pavlov. It doesn't really flow from talking about the rain...There's either a missing piece, or I need to restructure that verse. Pavlov is a word and theme that scans weird but somehow sounds perfect when you perform it. I don't mean "you" in the general sense, I mean you specifically with that great delivery of yours. I suspect any problems with it would lessen if there was a demo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 4, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 Pavlov is a word and theme that scans weird but somehow sounds perfect when you perform it. I don't mean "you" in the general sense, I mean you specifically with that great delivery of yours. I suspect any problems with it would lessen if there was a demo. I'd have to get a tune first. (And, according to stick, I'll also need an attorney.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 I've just read the lyric in it's revised form, and in both versions the mention of Pavlov bugs me.The rest of the lyric has a good feel, but 'Pavlov' clunks for me.Also I think that the dog and cog lines might be better developed as a continuation of the 'rain' setup line.The bell, the dog, the wheel and cog seem to appear out of nowhere.Intellectually I know what you're doing, but from a songwriting perspective, I think those lines could be bettered. This is what I was thinking too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted October 4, 2012 Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 I'd have to get a tune first. (And, according to stick, I'll also need an attorney.) I think I forgot the "winky" face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 4, 2012 Moderators Share Posted October 4, 2012 Ding! Nice, LC... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 4, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 I'm amazed at how much better it is after the little tweaks you made. I could tell something in the first version was off, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.These two lines, however, still feel slightly clunky to me:I still have the phantom pains from when your fingertips withdrew. 'Phantom pains' sounds like a digestive malady Phantom pains refers to the feelings some amputees get, as if their arms and legs were still connected to the body, and still capable of feeling hot or cold, or being in pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 4, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 4, 2012 I think I forgot the "winky" face. Oops! Me too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 5, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 5, 2012 Lyrical upgrade. The Other Side of Blue It Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted October 5, 2012 Members Share Posted October 5, 2012 I like it. What range of meaning are you trying to address with "blue"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted October 5, 2012 Members Share Posted October 5, 2012 I like it. What range of meaning are you trying to address with "blue"? I best answer this...it's my line The other side of blue... the other side of sadness I guess. Happiness Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted October 5, 2012 Members Share Posted October 5, 2012 Well, the first verse seems to be about the sky. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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