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"The Other Side of Blue" - a WIP (borrowed from Stick's song w/ the same title)

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  • "The Other Side of Blue" - a WIP (borrowed from Stick's song w/ the same title)

    Just two verses that came to me while on the #3 train this rainy NYC afternoon.


    [FONT="]The Other Side of Blue[/FONT]

    [FONT="]Every single time it rains[/FONT]
    [FONT="]I respond as if on cue.[/FONT]
    [FONT="]I behave like Pavlov
    “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

  • #2
    I love the last two lines in each verse and I really just like both verses a lot overall. Really nice job on them
    "Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it."
    - George Carlin

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    • #3
      Both the lines with "like" in them bug me, as if the comparison could be so much better if they weren't dampened in that manner. Otherwise it is a strong start.
      Don't listen to Justin.
      LCK - 2/21/2012

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      • #4
        Sounds good so far.
        Lyrics Songs Demos Videos Covers Dj Facebook Tumblr

        Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.

        -Coco Chanel

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        • #5


          I LOVE these lines. LOVE LOVE LOVE them! *applause*
          All things must pass...

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          • #6
            I LOVE these lines. LOVE LOVE LOVE them! *applause*


            Thank you, Grace!

            Love your new photo!
            “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

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            • #7
              Both the lines with "like" in them bug me, as if the comparison could be so much better if they weren't dampened in that manner.


              Understood.

              [FONT="]Every single time it rains[/FONT]
              [FONT="]I respond as if on cue.[/FONT]
              [FONT="]You're the bell, I'm Pavlov
              “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

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              • #8
                Thank you, Grace!

                Love your new photo!


                Thank ye! I was sunning myself on vacation on the beach where I now live. (well, I don't literally live ON the beach. I am not a homeless sand-dweller). lol

                My legs look so long and slim. *sigh of longing for my younger self* And I am actually lightly tanned in this photo. Weird how now that I LIVE here in the sun, I am ghostly pale. *shaking head in wonderment*
                All things must pass...

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                • #9
                  I've just read the lyric in it's revised form, and in both versions the mention of Pavlov bugs me.
                  The rest of the lyric has a good feel, but 'Pavlov' clunks for me.

                  Also I think that the dog and cog lines might be better developed as a continuation of the 'rain' setup line.
                  The bell, the dog, the wheel and cog seem to appear out of nowhere.

                  Intellectually I know what you're doing, but from a songwriting perspective, I think those lines could be bettered.
                  'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
                  CHARLIE PARKER

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                  • #10
                    This came to me driving a few minutes ago. It's not quite right, but it's the sort of thing I had in mind to follow on from rain and build a metaphor :

                    Every single time it rains
                    I respond as if on cue.
                    Buried deep, without a spring
                    Seeds of doubt and memory cling
                    I can
                    'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
                    CHARLIE PARKER

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                    • #11
                      This came to me driving a few minutes ago. It's not quite right, but it's the sort of thing I had in mind to follow on from rain and build a metaphor :

                      Every single time it rains
                      I respond as if on cue.
                      Buried deep, without a spring
                      Seeds of doubt and memory cling
                      I can
                      “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

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                      • #12
                        We studied Pavlov's dogs in psychology at university...back in the day when I was a bored student who hardly ever went to any of my classes, heheh.
                        All things must pass...

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                        • #13
                          I'll see you in court.

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                          • #14
                            I'm amazed at how much better it is after the little tweaks you made. I could tell something in the first version was off, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

                            These two lines, however, still feel slightly clunky to me:

                            I still have the phantom pains
                            from when your fingertips withdrew.


                            'Phantom pains' sounds like a digestive malady, and 'fingertips' doesn't seem like the right body part. Maybe try something like 'lingering ache' for the pain line? I'm drawing a blank on 'fingertips.' I know you're trying to avoid tired words like 'heart' and 'arms.' And I think I get the image you're going for: as she withdraws from the last embrace, her fingertips are the last things touching him. But I think the line puts too much focus on something that is not really central to the idea that is being conveyed. Perhaps something other than a body part word is needed. It's her love that is withdrawing, and the body part reference is sort of distracting. But just substituting 'love' for 'fingertips' would be boring. Hmm, must ponder some more...
                            Beware of deepities.-- Daniel Dennett

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                            • #15
                              You're probably right about Pavlov. It doesn't really flow from talking about the rain...

                              There's either a missing piece, or I need to restructure that verse.


                              Pavlov is a word and theme that scans weird but somehow sounds perfect when you perform it. I don't mean "you" in the general sense, I mean you specifically with that great delivery of yours. I suspect any problems with it would lessen if there was a demo.
                              Don't listen to Justin.
                              LCK - 2/21/2012

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