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  • I Shoulda Been an Actor Phase 3?

    In a lot of ways... I want to start this one again. From the beginning, Ram made the point that it really wasn't the same song I first wrote and posted here in its infancy. But I forged on, cause I do like a lot about the form it's taken on in a more arranged and finessed state. But still... I think it may be missing the mark in the way that Ram was alluding to. Either way... and only time will tell, here it is in its final state for this rendition... although, if you feel it is worth it, please comment on how I can make it happen right for this version.

    Frankly, I'm a little more lost than usual.

    If this is not right, in this version, I'd love to hear why you feel so... no arguments from me. I just like to take an idea to where I think/thought it should go to see. I'm stubborn artistically sometimes but... I'm also open to revisiting it in a whole different manner if you feel it's worth it. I'm kinda feeling I missed the mark. All input from you has been evaluated and employed if I felt it was right for this. You know how that that goes.

    I really wanted to capture a guy that is frustrated with his life as is, but is still feeding off of a fading dream. He's knows it has passed and yet... he shoulda, and in someways feels he still might be able to...

    So finally, the idea of revisiting it more in its original form is OK with me. And though I've got stuff I want to work on other than this, I can stop that with the right input from you. Or not and move on and revisit later. Or again, not... you tell me.

    ___

  • #2
    Oh... and Stick! Should I redo that bass part? It was a total jam without really knowing it.

    Oh man, As I'm listening... that bridge rap... damn. That just sounds wrong. Ahgghgh!
    ___

    Comment


    • #3
      In a lot of ways... I want to start this one again. From the beginning, Ram made the point that it really wasn't the same song I first wrote and posted here in its infancy. But I forged on, cause I do like a lot about the form it's taken on in a more arranged and finessed state. But still... I think it may be missing the mark in the way that Ram was alluding to. Either way... and only time will tell, here it is in its final state for this rendition... although, if you feel it is worth it, please comment on how I can make it happen right for this version.


      As far as I can tell this is the same basic version I heard before except for the "rap" stuff at the end.

      I don't know where you want to go, but I think this version is pretty damn good (except for the "Venus in profile" line, which not only has bad prosody you're also rhyming "file" with "file").

      It's a rockin' track otherwise. Very catchy, very polished and well done.

      Since I don't know what Ram was alluding to specifically, that's the best feedback I can give you.
      “I started being a songwriter pretending I could do it, and it turned out I could.” —James Taylor.

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      • #4
        As far as I can tell this is the same basic version I heard before except for the "rap" stuff at the end.

        I don't know where you want to go, but I think this version is pretty damn good (except for the "Venus in profile" line, which not only has bad prosody you're also rhyming "file" with "file").

        It's a rockin' track otherwise. Very catchy, very polished and well done.

        Since I don't know what Ram was alluding to specifically, that's the best feedback I can give you.


        And that is good feedback. There is no reason you should recognize all the changes. Even though they are there, they are more supportive. That is very helpful for me. So, no foul from you. The "Venus in profile" bit? I decided to stick with it because I do like the way the line sounds and translates. Though I realize I may find myself horribly wrong in a couple of week/months. We gotta go with what we like. No diss your way. You know how that goes as well, I'm sure.

        So it sounds the same? That is very helpful input believe it or not. Thanks.
        ___

        Comment


        • #5
          Oh... and Stick! Should I redo that bass part? It was a total jam without really knowing it.

          Oh man, As I'm listening... that bridge rap... damn. That just sounds wrong. Ahgghgh!


          Right now im listening on the laptop so cant comment on the bass.... will listen on the speakers later .

          You know after all the speak and wording talks of the rap section..... I have come away thinking only one thing

          I know this isnt going to be popular.

          BIN IT

          like straight into guitar solo off that chorus, no rap and you have created a perfect 3 minute pop song

          told you it wouldn't be a popular opinion

          Comment


          • #6
            You know after all the speak and wording talks of the rap section..... I have come away thinking only one thing

            I know this isnt going to be popular.

            BIN IT

            like straight into guitar solo off that chorus, no rap and you have created a perfect 3 minute pop song

            told you it wouldn't be a popular opinion


            It's a shame, because there are some really clever lines in there. But unless you can find a way to slow it down so that the words are intelligible, I think Stickboy is right.
            Beware of deepities.<br>-- Daniel Dennett

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            • #7
              Ram is right that this isn't the same song....




              But I think that is a good thing. However, if this is really the target:


              I really wanted to capture a guy that is frustrated with his life as is, but is still feeding off of a fading dream. He's knows it has passed and yet... he shoulda, and in someways feels he still might be able to...


              Then maybe you do want to being the original back because that one tapped this vein more than you do right now. I still think it was too wimpy, but I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

              FWIW, I'm also not feeling the rap section.
              Don't listen to Justin.
              LCK - 2/21/2012

              Comment


              • #8
                Right now im listening on the laptop so cant comment on the bass.... will listen on the speakers later .

                You know after all the speak and wording talks of the rap section..... I have come away thinking only one thing

                I know this isnt going to be popular.

                BIN IT

                like straight into guitar solo off that chorus, no rap and you have created a perfect 3 minute pop song

                told you it wouldn't be a popular opinion


                Now there's an idea! That would solve a lot of issues. I'll mess with that. Boy... that's like a weight off my shoulders... :thu:
                ___

                Comment


                • #9
                  I love it as is.

                  Funny thing is my favorite part is the melodic "Ooh-we-Oohs" in the background. Just absolutely charming.
                  http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/marshallsongs
                  http://www.reverbnation.com/#!/marshallsongs

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                  • #10
                    Now there's an idea! That would solve a lot of issues. I'll mess with that. Boy... that's like a weight off my shoulders... :thu:


                    You could come up with 2 versions. I like the lapse into the rap. That's a fun dimension. I would prefer that. But your target audience may or may not agree.
                    http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/marshallsongs
                    http://www.reverbnation.com/#!/marshallsongs

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      In a lot of ways... I want to start this one again. From the beginning, Ram made the point that it really wasn't the same song I first wrote and posted here in its infancy. But I forged on, cause I do like a lot about the form it's taken on in a more arranged and finessed state. But still... I think it may be missing the mark in the way that Ram was alluding to. Either way... and only time will tell, here it is in its final state for this rendition... although, if you feel it is worth it, please comment on how I can make it happen right for this version.


                      *sigh*

                      You're giving my comment a lot more weight than it probably deserves. So to quote the POTUS, "Let me be clear"....

                      I think the song is great the way it is. It's a slightly different song, but I think this song has a wider appeal, and works better as a pop song.

                      Now don't take this comparison the wrong way - I'm just trying to clarify how a song can morph from something that I, as a pointed headed songwriting geek might like, into something that a much wider audience will enjoy.



                      Steve Poltz wrote a dynamite song - closely observed, character driven, touching, and ... a total bummer that doesn't reflect well on the performer. The protagonist is a delusional sad sack with relationship issues unsuccessfully trying to pick up the pieces of his shattered life. When he says "You were meant for me, and I was meant for you" that is a completely fabricated fantasy - she's never coming back and despite his lukewarm efforts to get up, get dressed, go to the movies, etc. he is unable to accept that fact. Jewel took that complicated, songwritery song and turned it into a straightforward statement of devotion in a slick pop wrapper that sold a billion copies worldwide.

                      What I liked about your original song is that the protagonist is a pathetic, delusional loser. But that's not the kind of song that gets covered by hot chick singers and goes platinum - that's the kind of song you play for other pointy headed songwriter geeks at open mic night. You found the platinum version of the song - don't look back on the path to hot chick singers and a spot on Letterman.
                      Lyrics Songs Demos Videos Covers Facebook Tumblr

                      Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.

                      -Coco Chanel

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                      • #12
                        Nice Ram ^. I know what you mean, Poltz's version is so good.

                        A "cool story bro" - I used to hear him play his one offs, songs he'd just put together that day, and try them on the audience. Some were just freaking magic. I remember my sis and I walking up to him and requesting one. "Hey, do that song about you talking to the little girl and her saying "Can I have another piece of pie," As I recall, the song was just so touching. And we'd just heard him do it the previous week. And his response, "Hmmm... I'm sorry, I think that must've evaporated. I don't remember doing one like that. That happens some times." My sister and I were blown away. Such a great song and it's gone. Lost. He did like his beer and supplements at the time.

                        Anyway, yes, I get your comparison and that's a pretty insightfully take on his and her different versions... and how a lot was lost in her one dimensional reading of it.
                        ___

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Nice Ram ^. I know what you mean, Poltz's version is so good.

                          A "cool story bro" - I used to hear him play his one offs, songs he'd just put together that day, and try them on the audience. Some were just freaking magic. I remember my sis and I walking up to him and requesting one. "Hey, do that song about you talking to the little girl and her saying "Can I have another piece of pie," As I recall, the song was just so touching. And we'd just heard him do it the previous week. And his response, "Hmmm... I'm sorry, I think that must've evaporated. I don't remember doing one like that. That happens some times." My sister and I were blown away. Such a great song and it's gone. Lost. He did like his beer and supplements at the time.

                          Anyway, yes, I get your comparison and that's a pretty insightfully take on his and her different versions... and how a lot was lost in her one dimensional reading of it.


                          Lyrics Songs Demos Videos Covers Facebook Tumblr

                          Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.

                          -Coco Chanel

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Oh... and Stick! Should I redo that bass part? It was a total jam without really knowing it.

                            Oh man, As I'm listening... that bridge rap... damn. That just sounds wrong. Ahgghgh!


                            Forgot about this.

                            The bass sounds cool as.

                            Is it bothering you?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              After listening again (properly) I do think this it totally awesome.

                              Im wondering (if it's worth trying) for the rap bit (which aside from the kinda rap itself is really great) could you kinda semi-sing those lines? Just give it a little more melody, slightly elongate bits so it isnt quite so spoken but still has a "similar" feel?

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