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Jump into my Beater Car


Mahuska

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Edit. Please notice that most of this lyric and melody wise is scrapped. At the bottom another SC URL

Lately all over the map Genre wise

Been jamming a lot lately and have come up with a couple very different ideas for tunes.

Scenario, blank slate, write guitar riffs, then start humming melodies, then immediately

write lyrics, practice briefly and hit record. I know in haste I'll takes my share of hits.

 

I went ahead and forged ahead with this idea. The Bridge(hook) will be the same the second time around.

As far as Verse 2 and Chorus 2, I am not sure yet.

If you follow the story, I am wondering as we go through the verse and chorus again one more time,

Do I ditch the Girl and eventually pick up another, or do I make this a happy/success story with this Girl? Another subtle reference possibility is I am the Beater car. There are some possibilities to keep a line or two in V2 and Chorus2

or they can be entirely different. It will end up a little over a 3 minute song.

 

I sang right after writing lyrics and trying to get a handle on the Vox melody.

It will mature as I sing it more. Room for harmonies I think. Oh yeah the mix process

went for a few hours so no doubt my ears got pretty tired, but one can get a general idea

where this could go.

 

LYRICS

Jump in my Beater Car

 

Verse 1

I travel any old highways sometimes for just escape.

Alone my mind can really wander. No one

I engage debate with.

 

Chorus

You can see this lonely me, take a picture

of my frown

Time for rest and nourishment I spy

a Diner one mile down.

As I sit I glance around see the same look

that follows me

There's this Gal we share the same

Lets take a journey and leave the blame

 

 

Bridge

If you please, just come with me

jump into my Beater Car

Have some trust and you will see.

Many places oh so far.

My honor is sound and knows no bounds

Come with me in my Beater Car.

We'll have some fun, before were done

And might not know just where we are.

SC

http://soundcloud.com/mahuska/jump-into-my-beater-car

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I usually like your vocals, but there's a bit of hesitation in your voice this time around.

Lyrically, there are a few lines I'd re-think, if I were you.

I travel any old highways sometimes for just escape.
Alone my mind can really wander. No one
I engage debate with.


I get the idea of what you're saying here, but you could say it clearer.

I don't think your chorus is a chorus. In fact, I would delete that section, write a second verse, then go into what's now called the bridge.

Also, instead of adding new words the 2nd time through, I'd just repeat the first section.

Baby please, come ride with me
jump into my Beater Car
Trust your senses and you'll see.
I'll drive you to the nearest star.
Baby please, come ride with me

jump into my Beater Car
Trust your senses and you'll see.
I'll drive you to the nearest star.


... or something ...

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+1 on everything Lee said. You really need to rewrite that opening verse and the chorus should be scrapped altogether. It could be a decent verse in another song, but it doesn't do enough here.

Lee's idea of simplifying the bridge (or what should be the chorus) is also spot on. Make it more sing-a-long-able. wink.gif

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I see where LCK and Os are coming from but I like elements of the chorus for a verse.



I'll travel any old highway for the escape.
My mind can really wander.
I don't have the time for your debate
You can see this lonely me
take a picture of my frown
Time for rest and and time for fuel
I spy a diner one mile down
As I sit I glance around
I see you
looking like you need to skip town

If you please, just come with me
jump into my Beater Car
Have some trust and you will see.
Many places oh so far.


Then, for the next verse, I'd go back to the diner for specifics. "How's the pie.... I had a second cup of coffee... You already have a bag packed...etc..."

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Quote Originally Posted by LCK View Post
I usually like your vocals, but there's a bit of hesitation in your voice this time around.

Lyrically, there are a few lines I'd re-think, if I were you.

I travel any old highways sometimes for just escape.
Alone my mind can really wander. No one
I engage debate with.


I get the idea of what you're saying here, but you could say it clearer.

I don't think your chorus is a chorus. In fact, I would delete that section, write a second verse, then go into what's now called the bridge.

Also, instead of adding new words the 2nd time through, I'd just repeat the first section.

Baby please, come ride with me
jump into my Beater Car
Trust your senses and you'll see.
I'll drive you to the nearest star.
Baby please, come ride with me

jump into my Beater Car
Trust your senses and you'll see.
I'll drive you to the nearest star.


... or something ...
good call. I did work on the bridge first and felt a little more comfortable with the melody and thought it was something I could sing to.
Then started on the other parts and was concerned about the melodies as far as my vocal comfort zone. I seemed to have to sing quite lower then I wanted to.
Your other suggestions are great. I have more to respond with the other posters that have similar concerns. Thanks
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Quote Originally Posted by Oswlek View Post
+1 on everything Lee said. You really need to rewrite that opening verse and the chorus should be scrapped altogether. It could be a decent verse in another song, but it doesn't do enough here.

Lee's idea of simplifying the bridge (or what should be the chorus) is also spot on. Make it more sing-a-long-able. wink.gif
Will do, thanks for the advise
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Quote Originally Posted by rhino55 View Post
I see where LCK and Os are coming from but I like elements of the chorus for a verse.



I'll travel any old highway for the escape.
My mind can really wander.
I don't have the time for your debate
You can see this lonely me
take a picture of my frown
Time for rest and and time for fuel
I spy a diner one mile down
As I sit I glance around
I see you
looking like you need to skip town

If you please, just come with me
jump into my Beater Car
Have some trust and you will see.
Many places oh so far.


Then, for the next verse, I'd go back to the diner for specifics. "How's the pie.... I had a second cup of coffee... You already have a bag packed...etc..."
Great idea. I am glad I am not attached to what I have so far so scrapping parts
lyric wise just gives me more opportunities. I do like the musical aspects though, but like I said before need to see if my voice will flatter this song in the end.
I think getting away from using a recent formula of having a note-pad nearby and jotting down phrases, themes, story lines as they come while I am chillin' that may take up several pages which I refer as a crime scene type of approach helps me. especially if there is a story to be told. Not trying to do things in such a linear manner
Thanks for the listen and advise.
Now knowing what work lies ahead, I'll take my time and sort all this out and keep posting revisions. I have another Rock song that I am stuck in the mud with especially in the hook department. I may post that as well. This way I can heed advise and when something "comes" to me I have two projects to gnaw on.
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I hope you can image or hear what changes the vocal melody will be judging by the Piano which is going to be the vocal melody.
The Lead guitar is the instrumental intro
Then follows with short vox intro with just a few words a line(following the piano)

Instead of chorus, I guess we should look at the next part as the verse.
Once again the Piano part is mainly there as a vocal guide track. There may end up being
some actual Piano instrument tracks/parts. Well see

This changes everything. I will be able to sing in a higher register comfortably,
a softer voice, so by the time we get to the bridge, adjustments
need to be made there for the song to flow.
The story-line more than likely change as the new Vox Melodies
invoke new ideas that I am just starting to formulate some
Just a different vibe and will be so much different than
the Very Low Vocals sung(struggled I admit) with the first version rough draft.

If the Piano parts are too loud, I did it to help one try and get a feel of new
Vox melodies. Hope they don't throw you off
I hear some Vocal overdubs now in my head
New SC
http://soundcloud.com/mahuska/beater...vision-1-piano

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Quote Originally Posted by Oswlek View Post
Sounds good. Are you sure about that second piano note at 0:16? It sounds off key to my ears.
After pointing that out you are right. Easy fix, but one can get the idea that intro section will only be 2-3 words a line. I am exciting over the new verse melody I am been taking time to see another scenario and theme or how to adjust the old one about the Gal I met at the diner. Haven't formulated it enough to begin writing a new set of lyrics. I have two other rough ideas I am jumping back and forth from. One I will post soon with the hope of getting feedback as I feel it has strong verse chorus melodies, but lacks a hook
thanks for the heads up and reply
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