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Jump into my Beater Car

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  • Jump into my Beater Car

    Edit. Please notice that most of this lyric and melody wise is scrapped. At the bottom another SC URL



    Lately all over the map Genre wise

    Been jamming a lot lately and have come up with a couple very different ideas for tunes.

    Scenario, blank slate, write guitar riffs, then start humming melodies, then immediately

    write lyrics, practice briefly and hit record. I know in haste I'll takes my share of hits.



    I went ahead and forged ahead with this idea. The Bridge(hook) will be the same the second time around.

    As far as Verse 2 and Chorus 2, I am not sure yet.

    If you follow the story, I am wondering as we go through the verse and chorus again one more time,

    Do I ditch the Girl and eventually pick up another, or do I make this a happy/success story with this Girl? Another subtle reference possibility is I am the Beater car. There are some possibilities to keep a line or two in V2 and Chorus2

    or they can be entirely different. It will end up a little over a 3 minute song.



    I sang right after writing lyrics and trying to get a handle on the Vox melody.

    It will mature as I sing it more. Room for harmonies I think. Oh yeah the mix process

    went for a few hours so no doubt my ears got pretty tired, but one can get a general idea

    where this could go.



    LYRICS

    Jump in my Beater Car



    Verse 1

    I travel any old highways sometimes for just escape.

    Alone my mind can really wander. No one

    I engage debate with.



    Chorus

    You can see this lonely me, take a picture

    of my frown

    Time for rest and nourishment I spy

    a Diner one mile down.

    As I sit I glance around see the same look

    that follows me

    There's this Gal we share the same

    Lets take a journey and leave the blame





    Bridge

    If you please, just come with me

    jump into my Beater Car

    Have some trust and you will see.

    Many places oh so far.

    My honor is sound and knows no bounds

    Come with me in my Beater Car.

    We'll have some fun, before were done

    And might not know just where we are.

    SC

    http://soundcloud.com/mahuska/jump-into-my-beater-car

  • #2
    I usually like your vocals, but there's a bit of hesitation in your voice this time around.



    Lyrically, there are a few lines I'd re-think, if I were you.



    I travel any old highways sometimes for just escape.

    Alone my mind can really wander. No one

    I engage debate with.




    I get the idea of what you're saying here, but you could say it clearer.



    I don't think your chorus is a chorus. In fact, I would delete that section, write a second verse, then go into what's now called the bridge.



    Also, instead of adding new words the 2nd time through, I'd just repeat the first section.



    Baby please, come ride with me

    jump into my Beater Car

    Trust your senses and you'll see.

    I'll drive you to the nearest star.

    Baby please, come ride with me


    jump into my Beater Car

    Trust your senses and you'll see.

    I'll drive you to the nearest star.




    ... or something ...
    “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

    Comment


    • #3
      +1 on everything Lee said. You really need to rewrite that opening verse and the chorus should be scrapped altogether. It could be a decent verse in another song, but it doesn't do enough here.



      Lee's idea of simplifying the bridge (or what should be the chorus) is also spot on. Make it more sing-a-long-able.
      Don't listen to Justin.
      LCK - 2/21/2012

      Comment


      • #4
        I see where LCK and Os are coming from but I like elements of the chorus for a verse.







        I'll travel any old highway for the escape.

        My mind can really wander.

        I don't have the time for your debate

        You can see this lonely me

        take a picture of my frown

        Time for rest and and time for fuel

        I spy a diner one mile down

        As I sit I glance around

        I see you

        looking like you need to skip town



        If you please, just come with me

        jump into my Beater Car

        Have some trust and you will see.

        Many places oh so far.





        Then, for the next verse, I'd go back to the diner for specifics. "How's the pie.... I had a second cup of coffee... You already have a bag packed...etc..."
        ...

        Comment


        • #5






          Quote Originally Posted by LCK
          View Post

          I usually like your vocals, but there's a bit of hesitation in your voice this time around.



          Lyrically, there are a few lines I'd re-think, if I were you.



          I travel any old highways sometimes for just escape.

          Alone my mind can really wander. No one

          I engage debate with.




          I get the idea of what you're saying here, but you could say it clearer.



          I don't think your chorus is a chorus. In fact, I would delete that section, write a second verse, then go into what's now called the bridge.



          Also, instead of adding new words the 2nd time through, I'd just repeat the first section.



          Baby please, come ride with me

          jump into my Beater Car

          Trust your senses and you'll see.

          I'll drive you to the nearest star.

          Baby please, come ride with me


          jump into my Beater Car

          Trust your senses and you'll see.

          I'll drive you to the nearest star.




          ... or something ...




          good call. I did work on the bridge first and felt a little more comfortable with the melody and thought it was something I could sing to.

          Then started on the other parts and was concerned about the melodies as far as my vocal comfort zone. I seemed to have to sing quite lower then I wanted to.

          Your other suggestions are great. I have more to respond with the other posters that have similar concerns. Thanks

          Comment


          • #6






            Quote Originally Posted by Oswlek
            View Post

            +1 on everything Lee said. You really need to rewrite that opening verse and the chorus should be scrapped altogether. It could be a decent verse in another song, but it doesn't do enough here.



            Lee's idea of simplifying the bridge (or what should be the chorus) is also spot on. Make it more sing-a-long-able.




            Will do, thanks for the advise

            Comment


            • #7






              Quote Originally Posted by rhino55
              View Post

              I see where LCK and Os are coming from but I like elements of the chorus for a verse.







              I'll travel any old highway for the escape.

              My mind can really wander.

              I don't have the time for your debate

              You can see this lonely me

              take a picture of my frown

              Time for rest and and time for fuel

              I spy a diner one mile down

              As I sit I glance around

              I see you

              looking like you need to skip town



              If you please, just come with me

              jump into my Beater Car

              Have some trust and you will see.

              Many places oh so far.





              Then, for the next verse, I'd go back to the diner for specifics. "How's the pie.... I had a second cup of coffee... You already have a bag packed...etc..."




              Great idea. I am glad I am not attached to what I have so far so scrapping parts

              lyric wise just gives me more opportunities. I do like the musical aspects though, but like I said before need to see if my voice will flatter this song in the end.

              I think getting away from using a recent formula of having a note-pad nearby and jotting down phrases, themes, story lines as they come while I am chillin' that may take up several pages which I refer as a crime scene type of approach helps me. especially if there is a story to be told. Not trying to do things in such a linear manner

              Thanks for the listen and advise.

              Now knowing what work lies ahead, I'll take my time and sort all this out and keep posting revisions. I have another Rock song that I am stuck in the mud with especially in the hook department. I may post that as well. This way I can heed advise and when something "comes" to me I have two projects to gnaw on.

              Comment


              • #8
                I hope you can image or hear what changes the vocal melody will be judging by the Piano which is going to be the vocal melody.

                The Lead guitar is the instrumental intro

                Then follows with short vox intro with just a few words a line(following the piano)



                Instead of chorus, I guess we should look at the next part as the verse.

                Once again the Piano part is mainly there as a vocal guide track. There may end up being

                some actual Piano instrument tracks/parts. Well see



                This changes everything. I will be able to sing in a higher register comfortably,

                a softer voice, so by the time we get to the bridge, adjustments

                need to be made there for the song to flow.

                The story-line more than likely change as the new Vox Melodies

                invoke new ideas that I am just starting to formulate some

                Just a different vibe and will be so much different than

                the Very Low Vocals sung(struggled I admit) with the first version rough draft.



                If the Piano parts are too loud, I did it to help one try and get a feel of new

                Vox melodies. Hope they don't throw you off

                I hear some Vocal overdubs now in my head

                New SC

                http://soundcloud.com/mahuska/beater...vision-1-piano

                Comment


                • #9
                  Sounds good. Are you sure about that second piano note at 0:16? It sounds off key to my ears.
                  Don't listen to Justin.
                  LCK - 2/21/2012

                  Comment


                  • #10






                    Quote Originally Posted by Oswlek
                    View Post

                    Sounds good. Are you sure about that second piano note at 0:16? It sounds off key to my ears.




                    After pointing that out you are right. Easy fix, but one can get the idea that intro section will only be 2-3 words a line. I am exciting over the new verse melody I am been taking time to see another scenario and theme or how to adjust the old one about the Gal I met at the diner. Haven't formulated it enough to begin writing a new set of lyrics. I have two other rough ideas I am jumping back and forth from. One I will post soon with the hope of getting feedback as I feel it has strong verse chorus melodies, but lacks a hook

                    thanks for the heads up and reply

                    Comment









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