Members LeonardScaper Posted October 16, 2012 Members Share Posted October 16, 2012 This song came on suddenly, The lyrics flowed freely and I caught them in a pretty raw form. I worry a bit, though, about the title/hook, even though I may not be able to change it. There are certain....possible implications...to such a title that I would ordinarily wish to avoid. Perhaps there is another way to say this....http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11944626 Who is your savior now Here on this island Who is your savior Why are you smiling Who is your savior You've been the rave for years Up in your highlands With all of your savoir faire I see you're still smiling So who is this savior I wonder If you Really Can live without 'Cause under All of that peace of mind Thunder rages And there is no doubt Who your savior isThunder rages Spawned by the wind That turned this page And you know who it is That through the ages Has been your savior So who is your savior now instrumental Here in this cave Here on this island Who is your savior Look at that smile now Such childish behaviorWho is your savior Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 16, 2012 Members Share Posted October 16, 2012 I have no idea who the guy's savior is, but I'm not sure if I should, or if I should care. So while I'm not sure what it all means, the upshot is I really like it anyway. In fact I think it's terrific. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted October 16, 2012 Members Share Posted October 16, 2012 Why would you not care, LCK!? Maybe it is so incredibly crucial, even the character is only just starting to realise its importance. I love this song, as I always do Lenny's songs...especially... Originally Posted by LeonardScaper Thunder ragesSpawned by the windThat turned this pageAnd you know who it isThat through the agesHas been your saviorSo who is your savior now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Temple of Light Posted October 16, 2012 Members Share Posted October 16, 2012 You'd do well to copywrite that before posting it: just sayin'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TTognaci Posted October 16, 2012 Members Share Posted October 16, 2012 Very nice Leo.........................I really like the way it moves me into wondering "who is your savior, now" As I imagine, I'm glad you don't spell it out for me / us (good job). I rather like the lyric the way it is. The music is sweet to the ears...a little unrehursed in parts, but a very nice balance of acoustics and electric. Your vocal comes in sincere and convincing.....good stuff, man!! -Tom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted October 16, 2012 Members Share Posted October 16, 2012 Originally Posted by LeonardScaper I worry a bit, though, about the title/hook, even though I may not be able to change it. There are certain....possible implications...to such a title that I would ordinarily wish to avoid. I think the implications are right up-front, and that allows it to work in the way you intended. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 16, 2012 Originally Posted by oldgitplayer I think the implications are right up-front, and that allows it to work in the way you intended. This is what I had hoped for. Originally Posted by TTognaci a very nice balance of acoustics and electric. Was striving for that as well. Thanks, Tom. Originally Posted by LCK I have no idea who the guy's savior is, but I'm not sure if I should, or if I should care. This is actually a very important point in a song like this. As the writer, I do know who his savior is. But as Tom pointed out, it is often better to leave a little mystery for the listeners to take away with them. Originally Posted by grace_slick Maybe it is so incredibly crucial, even the character is only just starting to realise its importance. A very astute observation.I often walk this line in my lyrics and I had hoped that this time I was able to keep the balance.Thanks, folks, for specifically addressing my concerns with this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted October 16, 2012 Members Share Posted October 16, 2012 I like the melody and the overall musical mood of the song. And generally, I like a lyric that doesn't hit me over the head. But in this case, I'm feeling like the basic metaphor is a bit too opaque. It sounds like you are not completely sure what it is supposed to mean. In my opinion, a vague lyric works when it focuses on imagery without trying to tell a story or make a point. But in this case, it sounds like you are trying to do one or both of those, so you might want to think about some possible meanings and then tweak the lyric such that the listener at least has a launching pad for jumping to his/her own conclusions. But it does sound good - I think you're on the right track. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 16, 2012 Members Share Posted October 16, 2012 I don't really know what it means, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. And more importantly, I really wanted to know, so I found myself listening harder for clues than I normally do. I loved it entirely as is with on exception, the lick at 1:07 after "savoir fair". It was well placed and made sense, but it screams Lenny Special to anyone who has heard one of your songs before. I think a real simple solution would be to make the run descending instead. Everything else felt like it fit without calling too much attention to itself outside the framework of the song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members frankthomson Posted October 16, 2012 Members Share Posted October 16, 2012 Originally Posted by LeonardScaper This song came on suddenly, The lyrics flowed freely and I caught them in a pretty raw form.I worry a bit, though, about the title/hook, even though I may not be able to change it. There are certain....possible implications...to such a title that I would ordinarily wish to avoid. Perhaps there is another way to say this....http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11944626Who is your savior nowHere on this islandWho is your saviorWhy are you smilingWho is your saviorYou've been the rave for yearsUp in your highlandsWith all of your savoir faireI see you're still smilingSo who is this saviorI wonderIf youReallyCan live without'Cause underAll of that peace of mindThunder ragesAnd there is no doubtWho your savior isThunder ragesSpawned by the windThat turned this pageAnd you know who it isThat through the agesHas been your saviorSo who is your savior nowinstrumentalHere in this caveHere on this islandWho is your saviorLook at that smile nowSuch childish behaviorWho is your savior Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 16, 2012 Moderators Share Posted October 16, 2012 Hmmm. Well... there are so many things I like about it. But some I don't. There are some very cool acoustic guitar rhythm motives that really spark up an interest. But the single note line electric stuff falls into such familiar territory with the same motive you've used in so many songs. I feel I'm lying if I don't mention it. Do you really want that same guitar lick in this song? With that much repetition? Does it really do something to support this melody and lyric? I'm going to say it doesn't. But if it does to you, does it to all the other songs you've used it in? I don't understand that. Why is that motive present in every one of your tunes. When you pull away from it, you're great, in my opinion. It feels a little like self sabotage.And while I really loved a lot of the lyric, I found that the "mystery" was more of just a lack of really understanding what it is you're saying. I get to a degree what is being said, but never the less, walk away as a listener feeling a little betrayed and played. So I'm going to be honest and say that I believe you're falling into a rut here. And it is a bit frustrating for me because I think the fix is so apparent. And necessary. I realize I'm bucking the common vibe but I think it needs to be said. And of course, YMMV.Or not. Cause you know I love ya, Len. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 16, 2012 Members Share Posted October 16, 2012 Originally Posted by Lee Knight There are some very cool acoustic guitar rhythm motives ... the same motive you've used in so many songs ... Why is that motive present in every one of your tunes I can see Lee's point of view. Personally, I like the song as is, but I think his advice (despite the misspelling of motif) is something that could bring your work to another level. This is something I have to wrestle with a lot myself, particularly in my lyric writing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 16, 2012 Moderators Share Posted October 16, 2012 Originally Posted by LCK I can see Lee's point of view. Personally, I like the song as is, but I think his advice (despite the misspelling of motif) is something that could bring your work to another level. This is something I have to wrestle with a lot myself, particularly in my lyric writing. And I think your post is good except for your mistaken belief that there is only one way to spell motif/motive. "In music, a motif or motive is a short musical idea..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 16, 2012 Members Share Posted October 16, 2012 Originally Posted by Lee Knight And I think your post is good except for your mistaken belief that there is only one way to spell motif/motive. "In music, a motif or motive is a short musical idea..." Okay. My bad. But motif is still the preferred spelling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 16, 2012 Moderators Share Posted October 16, 2012 Originally Posted by LCK Okay. My bad. But motif is still the preferred spelling. Preferred by you!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 16, 2012 Originally Posted by frankthomson Sleep well, my friend.I love this place. There are lots of places to post songs and get that mutual appreciation thing going......not here. Here we are not afraid to say what we really think and because of that all who participate have become better songwriters.You know that I write a lot of songs. Fact is, if I don't have something going I am not emotionally comfortable. So after the opus....and after a computer/studio upgrade, I needed to get a song going. So I plugged in the electric guitar and let things flow. Interestingly enough, the song ended up coming from a very personal place......so much so that I considered not posting it.I know that I rely heavily on all those 'Lennyism'. Sigh........funny thing is, because of all of you I know how to not do that now. But....sometimes that comfort zone is just so......comfortable and secure.I probably won't be making any changes to this one. It served it's purpose for me and I'll just put it up on my page and move on. BUT.........these wonderfully honest critiques will stay close as I start the next one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 16, 2012 Moderators Share Posted October 16, 2012 Originally Posted by LeonardScaper Sleep well, my friend.I love this place. There are lots of places to post songs and get that mutual appreciation thing going......not here. Here we are not afraid to say what we really think and because of that all who participate have become better songwriters.You know that I write a lot of songs. Fact is, if I don't have something going I am not emotionally comfortable. So after the opus....and after a computer/studio upgrade, I needed to get a song going. So I plugged in the electric guitar and let things flow. Interestingly enough, the song ended up coming from a very personal place......so much so that I considered not posting it.I know that I rely heavily on all those 'Lennyism'. Sigh........funny thing is, because of all of you I know how to not do that now. But....sometimes that comfort zone is just so......comfortable and secure.I probably won't be making any changes to this one. It served it's purpose for me and I'll just put it up on my page and move on. BUT.........these wonderfully honest critiques will stay close as I start the next one. I gotta say, you are a bigger man than I! I really wrestled with saying what I did but figure you asked us, so... but quite honestly, I feel uncomfortable saying those things. Maybe I shouldn't, but I do. Kinda like telling Dylan he has a funny voice. He'd look at you and say... "Heeeyyy... whaaaoghgh suh sayyy whaagh?!"But the way you accept it is so cool. I get a bit testy at times. So Lenny on, my broham! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 16, 2012 Moderators Share Posted October 16, 2012 But... ^^^ I still can't help but think there is a great song here. I know a lot of others think it is already there. That's cool. But man, I hear this and think... if it just this... and it didn't... that... that's just me letting you know I think it's the dog's dangly bits in lots of ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted October 16, 2012 Members Share Posted October 16, 2012 Originally Posted by Lee Knight But... ^^^ I still can't help but think there is a great song here. I know a lot of others think it is already there. That's cool. But man, I hear this and think... if it just this... and it didn't... that... that's just me letting you know I think it's the dog's dangly bits in lots of ways. You should cover it... and provide your own motive.Speaking of Lenny's writing style... I can't even think like he writes. With all the stops and starts... I can't imagine ever playing that live! So hats off to him... and his moti-whatever... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 16, 2012 Moderators Share Posted October 16, 2012 Originally Posted by bee3 You should cover it... and provide your own motive.Speaking of Lenny's writing style... I can't even think like he writes. With all the stops and starts... I can't imagine ever playing that live! So hats off to him... and his moti-whatever... well... good point. I wanna cover you too though!Moti-whatever! I like it! I wish, and have tried, to find a better, less pretentious word that means the same thing. Believe me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LeonardScaper Posted October 16, 2012 Author Members Share Posted October 16, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 17, 2012 Members Share Posted October 17, 2012 Originally Posted by Lee Knight well... good point. I wanna cover you too though!Moti-whatever! I like it! I wish, and have tried, to find a better, less pretentious word that means the same thing. Believe me. Huh? I think the word motif kicks ass, no matter how you spell it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members grace_slick Posted October 17, 2012 Members Share Posted October 17, 2012 Hmm, this is all quite interesting... When does a person's own personal unique style change from being a positive, admired thing that sets them apart from others to being a perceived hindrance to their skill and talent in general? I guess that's a pretty subjective thing... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted October 17, 2012 Members Share Posted October 17, 2012 Originally Posted by Lee Knight well... good point. I wanna cover you too though! We all want to be covered by you, man! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members stickboymusic Posted October 17, 2012 Members Share Posted October 17, 2012 Finally got round to this one and I think it's FANTASTIC. Call it done my friend. With regards to Lennys style of breaking up the flow with his guitar licks (which I do "sometimes" find distracting) I actually find it very nice in this track, it is used more subtly and is not distracting from the song in any way for me. Great song, you have written so many good ones of late Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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