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...it is by far my favorite song of any I have written...
“Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.
OK. I haven't read the comments yet. I prefer to give my first shot before i read what everybody else says. So here goes;
Your verses work nice. There's something you do that is different. You have this melodic thing going, then you stop singing and let the instruments complete the melodic phrase. That is an interesting technique; especially in the first trip through the pattern. But it's begging for a vocal concluding version of the phrase at some point in the song. It's like you're missing the punch line of your story by never completing the phrase vocally. It might be nice to save it until the end or some poigniant place and sing it. But it seems a little unfocused by never having the voice complete the phrase. And you're missing the opportunity to say something important when the melody is strong.
Other than that, I'd say you dance around the savior thing nicely but never bring it home. It's like an inside story that only the singer and the person he's singing to are supposed to understand. That's leaves us schlemiels in the rest of the listening world feel like we're not a part of the story. Like we're eavesdropping on a conversation we're not supposed to hear. Which is a nice lyric writing technique, if you explain enough tid-bits of the story so the listener can piece something together. But from what I read and hear, I don't have a clue what's going on.
But... ^^^ I still can't help but think there is a great song here. I know a lot of others think it is already there. That's cool. But man, I hear this and think... if it just this... and it didn't... that... . . . ,
Ok I listened the read all the comments. On on hand I thought yeah kind of vague and some familiar riffage. Then the other points that loved it as it is made me mull it over. Don't get me wrong I drew some initial thoughts of my own first. I was really wanting to know who is the Savoir. It kept me in suspense and although no total resolution in the end I was left satisfied. I really like some vagueness once in awhile and in fact do in some of my songs, but get hit with that I need to be more direct. You pulled it off and a I love the song. I would keep using your motif as it is unique and is a winning formula. I do suggest pushing the envelope a little more from time to time and explore more possibilities and increase your arsenal.
Just home for a long hard day in the trenches and as I came into the kitchen I heard my songs coming from the laptop there. That seldom happens. I opened a beer and listened as well....keeping Oswlek's insight about repetitive motifs firmly in mind.
Originally Posted by Marshal
There's something you do that is different. You have this melodic thing going, then you stop singing and let the instruments complete the melodic phrase.
I'm glad that you picked that up. This song started with a musical inspiration and I tried very hard to let the music mirror the vocal hook quite often.
Originally Posted by Marshal
Like we're eavesdropping on a conversation we're not supposed to hear.
That is truly the case with this one and I want it to feel that way.
Originally Posted by Mahuska
I drew some initial thoughts of my own first.
To me this is huge.
I want to leave enough unsaid in my songs that the listener can fill in the blanks for him/herself. I want to write stuff that is universal while still getting to that universal place by using very specific ....motifs.
Originally Posted by bee3
So Lenny... we've addressed your motif tendencies... now can we talk about the wave thing?