Members Heartcrusher Posted October 14, 2012 Members Share Posted October 14, 2012 I don't know where you areI hope you're not too farI guess the breeze that will blowYour tearing spirit to my homeYou are my second partWhom belongs my heartWho will never fade awayCuz love will ever find a wayI can't turn aroundWhen I'm sleepingIn my dreams you are thereWe can touch the skyOnly breathingI can't resist your smile anytimeWhen you don't wake up callI wish you are aloneI guess you think about meNothing else does mean a thingI don't wanna stand behindIn shadow of your lifeWhere I'm just an empty soulWhich name you will never knowI can't turn aroundWhen I'm sleepingIn my dreams you are thereWe can touch the skyOnly breathingI can't resist your smileI can't turn aroundWhen I'm sleepingIn my dreams you are thereWe can touch the skyOnly breathingI can't resist your smile anytimeYou are my second partWhom belongs my heartWho will never fade awayCuz love will ever find a wayVIDEO IS RIGHT HERE: Please rate and comment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted October 14, 2012 Members Share Posted October 14, 2012 Hi, Martin. We don't really 'rate' songs here. That's for bikini contests, eh? What we do do, aside from discussing songwriting techniques and craft in general, is get and give constructive criticism on songwriting/compositional works in progress.Please take a look at the Guidelines/Resources sticky thread which you'll find at or near the top of the forum listing if you haven't already (actually, you only really need to read the very first post). That should give you a pretty good idea of how things work here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted October 14, 2012 Moderators Share Posted October 14, 2012 You've really got a knack for pop melody!!! Seriously good. Your chords and melody and lyrics too... but... there is an interesting thing going on with your use of the English language. Now, let me say that the fact that you are even writing in a 2nd language is amazing to me. So, I can't even fathom how difficult that must be. I guess the breeze that will blow That sentence above. The way you place your words on your very good melody have the effect of accenting and bringing focus to words that have less importance. What's the power word in that sentence? "Blow". But you're place the line to accent "that will". This happens a bit throughout. I haven't the faintest notion how one goes about learning how to do this in a 2nd language. But you know who are masters at it? ABBA. Really. They get how the language works and use phrases that work. That push and pull in interesting ways. I can't turn around When I'm sleeping In my dreams you are there We can touch the sky Only breathing I can't resist your smile Here ^, I'm not really sure what the massage is. It doesn't have a focus. That you can't turn around when you're sleeping? I don't know what that means. You're saying that in your dreams all is well with you two. But it seems to need a catch phrase to hang the concept on. And... what does not being able to turn around have to do with it? My thoughts are this makes perfect sense in your language. Maybe a way to utilize this forum to your advantage might be to state what the concept is and then we might give input as to if your phrasing is getting that across? Either way, I think you've got a ton of talent. This is really good in a lot of ways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted October 15, 2012 Members Share Posted October 15, 2012 +1 everything Lee says. Strong melody, but the lyrics need focus and refinement. Despite feeling it was a tad cliche, I was with you for the first four lines, but "Whom belongs my heart" jarred me in a bad way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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