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Rough start of a song (with phone demo)

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  • #16






    Quote Originally Posted by bee3
    View Post

    Holy christ, you are a supreme ****************************. Good riddance.




    Ha! I'm going to borrow that for my sig, if you don't mind.
    Beware of deepities.-- Daniel Dennett

    Comment


    • #17






      Quote Originally Posted by Monkey Uncle
      View Post

      Ha! I'm going to borrow that for my sig, if you don't mind.




      I'm honored!

      Comment


      • #18
        I think the song is good and have no doubt that when you flesh this out, it'll be up to par with anything else you've done. And I love this line: First you have the ups and downs and then the inbetween



        The song resonates because today, I came into work to find out that a co-worker who was a supreme loner passed away yesterday. She was an odd-bird through and through... in fact, my interactions with her were rather uncomfortable because of her behavior, which in-turn led to her loner lifestyle (or maybe it was the other way around... who knows?) Regardless, she was apparently so alone, that her second cousin called her boss and asked him to write the obituary. There was no one else to do it.

        Comment


        • #19
          I love it. A few tweeks are needed, but I enjoyed listening to this. Firstly, I'd set it to ballad form - AABA.





          If you're lonely

          Then it seems you do not know me

          I've been hanging round forever

          Only to find

          I am never in your arms

          And never on your mind



          If you're lonely

          Reach out your hand and hold me

          For a million days won't matter

          If you don't see (This is where things start to feel a bit slow and pointless, maybe engage the listener with some interesting imagery.)

          That a million dreams will shatter

          When I leave



          Life is like a rollercoaster running out of steam

          First you have the ups and downs and then the inbetween

          If you don't want to take this ride alone then let it show

          I guess that lonely, is the only thing you know




          I'd repeat that last line of the B section or something for hook/emphasis. I'd then repeat the first verse.
          I'm a sharpened flat - I'm a natural.







          Originally Posted by bloodxandxrank


          ... If all else fails make the guitarist do it.....



          ^On the matter of learning harsh vocals.^








          Originally Posted by wrongnote85


          They wont go away, they'll just start making dubstep.



          ^On whether the '-core' bands will ever go away^

          Comment


          • #20
            I love it. A few tweeks are needed, but I enjoyed listening to this. Firstly, I'd set it to ballad form - AABA.





            If you're lonely

            Then it seems you do not know me

            I've been hanging round forever

            Only to find

            I am never in your arms

            And never on your mind



            If you're lonely

            Reach out your hand and hold me

            For a million days won't matter

            If you don't see (This is where things start to feel a bit slow and pointless, maybe engage the listener with some interesting imagery.)

            That a million dreams will shatter

            When I leave



            Life is like a rollercoaster running out of steam

            First you have the ups and downs and then the inbetween

            If you don't want to take this ride alone then let it show

            I guess that lonely, is the only thing you know




            I'd repeat that last line of the B section or something for hook/emphasis. I'd then repeat the first verse.
            I'm a sharpened flat - I'm a natural.







            Originally Posted by bloodxandxrank


            ... If all else fails make the guitarist do it.....



            ^On the matter of learning harsh vocals.^








            Originally Posted by wrongnote85


            They wont go away, they'll just start making dubstep.



            ^On whether the '-core' bands will ever go away^

            Comment


            • #21






              Quote Originally Posted by LordBTY
              View Post

              I love it. A few tweeks are needed, but I enjoyed listening to this. Firstly, I'd set it to ballad form - AABA.





              If you're lonely

              Then it seems you do not know me

              I've been hanging round forever

              Only to find

              I am never in your arms

              And never on your mind



              If you're lonely

              Reach out your hand and hold me

              For a million days won't matter

              If you don't see (This is where things start to feel a bit slow and pointless, maybe engage the listener with some interesting imagery.)

              That a million dreams will shatter

              When I leave



              Life is like a rollercoaster running out of steam

              First you have the ups and downs and then the inbetween

              If you don't want to take this ride alone then let it show

              I guess that lonely, is the only thing you know




              I'd repeat that last line of the B section or something for hook/emphasis. I'd then repeat the first verse.




              Thanks man - I realise this is still in its very early form. Do you think a repition of the first verse will be enough? I was thinking a second verse to move things along a little, maybe a middle 8 and final chorus (I am considering maybe using "life is like a carousel, spinning out of time....." for the 2nd chorus)

              Comment


              • #22
                I love the rhyme scheme thing you've got going. I love "forever" into the the two "nevers". Lonely is the only thing you know is really great. It feels like you might want to really highlight that line. To make that a real payoff.



                The thing I like less, are some of the note choice. The arc of the melody totally works for me, but certain notes feel a little too like I know where you're going with them before and as they occur. I think not resolving might have an interesting effect that fits with the theme. for instance...



                If you're lonely (beautiful)

                Then it seems you do not know me (on "know me, you go to the root of the IV chord. What key? If you're in C, you go to the F of your F chord. That feels a bit too comfy for what you're singing. Why not try using the same notes as the above "lonely", (the chord changes but your melody stays the same as the line above)) creating a little tension in that line against the chord?)

                I've been hanging round forever (Great, it captures and reinforces the lyric)

                Only to find (I know you're still searching a little here but I like it, it's sad sounding)

                I was never in your arms (love it except for "arms". Arms feels like you're resorting to an easy and stock turn around melody without any suspension. I'd go with a real acher of a note choice. If in C, try the notes ar(E....) -rms(F...)

                I was never on your mind (now this line's melody will feel right with a n ice trad melodic tie up)





                Just some food for thought. I like what you've got. It feels nicely traditional. And sad.
                __________
                Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
                Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
                Jesus

                Comment


                • #23






                  Quote Originally Posted by Lee Knight
                  View Post

                  I love the rhyme scheme thing you've got going. I love "forever" into the the two "nevers". Lonely is the only thing you know is really great. It feels like you might want to really highlight that line. To make that a real payoff.



                  The thing I like less, are some of the note choice. The arc of the melody totally works for me, but certain notes feel a little too like I know where you're going with them before and as they occur. I think not resolving might have an interesting effect that fits with the theme. for instance...



                  If you're lonely (beautiful)

                  Then it seems you do not know me (on "know me, you go to the root of the IV chord. What key? If you're in C, you go to the F of your F chord. That feels a bit too comfy for what you're singing. Why not try using the same notes as the above "lonely", (the chord changes but your melody stays the same as the line above)) creating a little tension in that line against the chord?)

                  I've been hanging round forever (Great, it captures and reinforces the lyric)

                  Only to find (I know you're still searching a little here but I like it, it's sad sounding)

                  I was never in your arms (love it except for "arms". Arms feels like you're resorting to an easy and stock turn around melody without any suspension. I'd go with a real acher of a note choice. If in C, try the notes ar(E....) -rms(F...)

                  I was never on your mind (now this line's melody will feel right with a n ice trad melodic tie up)





                  Just some food for thought. I like what you've got. It feels nicely traditional. And sad.




                  Great - thanks for this. I think I am now doing what you suggest for line 2 melody by instinct so thats a keeper - the other things I will try.



                  I haven't come back to this one properly yet, when i do I will hopefully just get it all sewn up in one go, then do a rough tracking and repost for ideas



                  Thanks again people

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Ok here is another ROUGH live demo (not off a phone this time) hopefully it sorts the melody a little



                    I am still no further with the writing stage but once I have this locked in then the words should come quick.



                    I think it needs to be slightly faster , I may go for this kind of recording but done properly and with extra musical elements/vocals



                    http://soundcloud.com/stickboy/if-yo...ely-very-rough

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      It is better and I agree a couple ticks faster would help but now the melody is coming together better for me.



                      Like a roller coaster running out of steam may have mixed metaphor's but still it woks.



                      You added some more verse lines at the end that sound good and in the same vein but I didn't seem them in your post....Good going!

                      Comment


                      • #26






                        Quote Originally Posted by stickboymusic
                        View Post

                        Ok here is another ROUGH live demo (not off a phone this time) hopefully it sorts the melody a little



                        I am still no further with the writing stage but once I have this locked in then the words should come quick.



                        I think it needs to be slightly faster , I may go for this kind of recording but done properly and with extra musical elements/vocals



                        http://soundcloud.com/stickboy/if-yo...ely-very-rough




                        Lovely. There are still a few (tiny) rough spots, but it's gonna be a killer song.
                        “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Hello



                          Ok I have tracked the order of the song, just basic acoustic/piano and vocals for now



                          The vocals are just a first take but give you an idea of melody/lyrics



                          I am looking for feedback more on lyrics at this stage, I am pretty happy with the structure, yes it doesnt do much musically YET but I can worry about that later, I will introduce a few subtle elements as the song progresses



                          Thoughts??



                          http://soundcloud.com/stickboy/if-yo...nely-demo-2-in



                          If you're lonely

                          Then it seems you do not know me

                          I've been hanging round forever

                          Only to find

                          I am never in your arms

                          And never on your mind



                          If you're lonely

                          Reach out your hand and hold me

                          For a million days won't matter

                          If you don't see

                          That a million dreams will shatter

                          If I leave



                          Life is like a rollercoaster running out of steam

                          First you have the ups and downs and then the inbetween

                          If you don't want to take this ride alone then let it show

                          I guess that lonely, is the only thing you know



                          It's the only thing you know

                          Like the lonesome river flows

                          And the crying wind it blows

                          It seems that lonely is the only thing you know



                          Life is like a carousel

                          spinning out of time

                          its easier to take the lows

                          than to attempt the climb

                          if you just want to take this ride alone

                          then let me go

                          I guess that lonely is the only thing you know

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Besides being thrilled at how good this is, I'm even more pissed off at RangeFinder for his crap comments.



                            I have a few suggestions. I think an "o" sound is lonelier than an "e" sound, so I've changed two words here.



                            If you're lonely

                            Reach out your hand and hold me

                            For a million days won't matter

                            If you don't know

                            That a million dreams will shatter

                            If I go




                            I think this section might work better if you had true rhymes all the way through.



                            It's the only thing you know

                            The way the lonesome rivers flow

                            And the sighing north winds blow

                            It seems that lonely is the only thing you know




                            Life is like a carousel

                            spinning out of time

                            its easier to take the lows

                            than to attempt the climb




                            I'm not sure I'd stick with "spinning out of time." Maybe, spinning us through time?



                            I kinda don't know what to do with that last line. "Than to attempt the climb" feels a bit awkward to me. Maybe "take the chance and climb?"



                            Either way, this is turning into a fabulous song. Truly great.
                            “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              That's really beautiful Stick. The piano doing the descending riff gave me chills.

                              Comment


                              • #30






                                Quote Originally Posted by LCK
                                View Post

                                Besides being thrilled at how good this is, I'm even more pissed off at RangeFinder for his crap comments.



                                I have a few suggestions. I think an "o" sound is lonelier than an "e" sound, so I've changed two words here.



                                If you're lonely

                                Reach out your hand and hold me

                                For a million days won't matter

                                If you don't know

                                That a million dreams will shatter

                                If I go




                                I think this section might work better if you had true rhymes all the way through.



                                It's the only thing you know

                                The way the lonesome rivers flow

                                And the sighing north winds blow

                                It seems that lonely is the only thing you know




                                Life is like a carousel

                                spinning out of time

                                its easier to take the lows

                                than to attempt the climb




                                I'm not sure I'd stick with "spinning out of time." Maybe, spinning us through time?



                                I kinda don't know what to do with that last line. "Than to attempt the climb" feels a bit awkward to me. Maybe "take the chance and climb?"



                                Either way, this is turning into a fabulous song. Truly great.




                                Thanks for the ideas.



                                I like the know/go idea BUT i like the first mention of "go" towards the end of the song and dont really want to mention it earlier.



                                I will have a think about the other bits , they arent really bothering me too much but if anyone else wants to jump in with agreement then I will have a proper look

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