Members tony333 Posted January 2, 2013 Members Share Posted January 2, 2013 These are the lyrics to a song I have been working on. Still trying to get the chord changes down. Let me know what you think. To me it seems like it might be a little disjointed and I either need to add a verse or lose one. Anyway- V1 Had all the reasons But I didn't have rhyme Winters the season With the longest if night Knew all the pleasures But it wasn't no fun I killed a man For a life on the run So I headed West With no plan and no trade Where only the wind Could call me by name A place of no memories No friends or no foes To drift into ether Like whisps from a ghost C1 The gallows is calling I'm a dead man they say For the heat of a moment On a cold winters day V2 When I got to Shreveport Thought I was clean So I headed down To the town of Orleans Took to the docks Loading cotton and cane Never to see Sweet Virginia again Days they were long Nights they were hard No rest for the wicked Or a soul that's been scarred Tried to repent For the thing that I done Regrets I have many Hope I have none C1 V3 So I settled in To a life as not me Barrooms and shadows Cotton and cane Heard she could take The demons from dreams So I went to find A French Creole Queen Rattled the bones Rum did we drink And devils below Did both if us speak Faith it was tested Feeling did wane Weren't any spirits Just one man to blame C1 V4 From the sin I committed Could not escape Thoughts were filled Of that dying mans face I tried to drown them With bourbon and gin But judgement and jury Came from within Alone I did travel Alone I will die No entrance for me Through gates in the sky Mind it was battered Spirit was broke The gallows it came At the end if my rope The gallows it came At the end if my rope C2 The gallows it called I'm a dead man they say Sorry for the length. Let me know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted January 2, 2013 Members Share Posted January 2, 2013 Hey, TonySounds like you have a solid murder ballad here. As you note, it does look a little long on the page -- if it still feels that way when there's music under it, you could probably lose a few verses that don't contribute as directly as some of the others, people fill in gaps in songs -- in fact, that may be part of the fun for some.I think there might be a couple of typos, I noticed the word if in a few places it didn't seem to belong. I'm thinking it should have been 'end of my rope,' for instance. And if seems to have snuck into the fourth line of the first verse where no word was semantically needed. But I just worked around them. (And, heaven knows, I'm always finding typos in the lyrics of songs I posted to my personal blog, so, you know, don't feel like any kind of lone ranger, there.)Now, it can be difficult judging meter of a song without the music. I do have some minor concerns that you might have to do some creative use of rests and melisma to get some of the lyrical rhythms to work out.With regard to the ballad itself, I'm not certain the current flow of the story maintains impact and delivers quite the right emotional arc. (Something to think about if you tighten it up, edit it down.) A ballad, after all, is like any other story, you want to build a sense of empathy on some level for the character(s) so that folks will want to find out how things turn out. (Of course, the ending is often foretold in the chorus/refrain, but, if done right, that's part of the fun.)Seems like you've got a good start! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tony333 Posted January 3, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 Thank you. I typed that from a mobile device with auto spell. I do not know why it always picks if instead of of. When I sing it out loud the lyrics actually fit pretty well. Trying to find the right chords to make it work. I am a novice player at best. I almost feel as though I could lose verse about the "French Creole Queen" and give more back story earlier. Thanks again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted January 3, 2013 Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 I think its pretty good. If you are planning on shortening it, I'd leave the Creole Queen and the bones section. I think it adds colour to the story. The verses are really 8 lines each, although you have set them out as 16 lines. How about reducing them from 8 to 6 lines each. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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