Members RickDieffenbach Posted January 2, 2013 Members Share Posted January 2, 2013 REVISED SEE POST 21 Hi - this is a song idea. My main question is this: lyrically, stay in this vein or scrap it? Yupper, I am aware of the song "Silly Love Songs" Silly Songs for You ©2013 Rick Dieffenbach When I'm feeling lonely and don't know what to do I take out my guitar and I write a simple tune The words I write may make not make sense And for that there's is no defense All I want to do is sing my silly songs for you CHORUS: Silly songs for you I promise everyone is true Won't you'll hum along To my silly songs with me And 'tho someday I know my silly songs will go They'll fade away with me Like waves on the sea My silly songs and me My silly songs part of me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted January 2, 2013 Members Share Posted January 2, 2013 Hi Rick... I really like the lyrics. I know it's just a demo, but from a production standpoint, I think this would be better as a stripped back production... no drums, maybe some quirky instrumentation. Something about the drums you're using make it sound too processed... And a suggestion: The words I write may not make senseSilliness is my defense Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted January 2, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 2, 2013 Originally Posted by bee3 Hi Rick... I really like the lyrics. I know it's just a demo, but from a production standpoint, I think this would be better as a stripped back production... no drums, maybe some quirky instrumentation. Something about the drums you're using make it sound too processed...And a suggestion:The words I write may not make senseSilliness is my defense Thanks for your suggestion Bee.. I'll take it. Perfect. Agree on the production comment. I am writing the song for this month's 1+1 contest on the MUSE board, so it will actually be just the guitar and one vocal. But for the demo I was just playing around. You are spot on about the drums, etc. And I just am in love with my Hofner bass... so had to play that. But it will be just the guitar when all said and done.Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted January 2, 2013 Members Share Posted January 2, 2013 Originally Posted by RickDieffenbach Thanks for your suggestion Bee.. I'll take it. Perfect. Agree on the production comment. I am writing the song for this month's 1+1 contest on the MUSE board, so it will actually be just the guitar and one vocal. But for the demo I was just playing around. You are spot on about the drums, etc. And I just am in love with my Hofner bass... so had to play that. But it will be just the guitar when all said and done.Rick Do you play it left handed? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted January 2, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 2, 2013 Bee - I shut off the drum, and just let the bass line carry it for the verses... I like it. Thanks for mentioning the drums. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 2, 2013 Members Share Posted January 2, 2013 Nice tune! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted January 2, 2013 Members Share Posted January 2, 2013 Originally Posted by RickDieffenbach Bee - I shut off the drum, and just let the bass line carry it for the verses... I like it. Thanks for mentioning the drums. Nice... post it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted January 2, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 2, 2013 Originally Posted by bee3 Nice... post it up. I did... you should not hear any drums. Your browser may have it cached???Here is the direct mp3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bee3 Posted January 2, 2013 Members Share Posted January 2, 2013 Much better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LordBTY Posted January 2, 2013 Members Share Posted January 2, 2013 Like the melody, it's kinda cute and twee. When I'm feeling lonely and don't know what to do I take out my guitar ( and I write a simple tune The words I write may make not make sense And for that there's is no defense All I want to do is sing my silly songs for you CHORUS: Silly songs for you I promise everyone is true ( Won't you'll hum along To my silly songs with me And 'tho someday I know my silly songs will go They'll fade away with me (It'd be nice to have this idea expanded or emphasized a bit more) Like waves on the sea My silly songs and me My silly songs part of me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted January 2, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 2, 2013 LORDBTY - great suggestions. Good ideas. All 3 delt with. The third, fade, is now answered in the last verse. 'appreciate your ideas!!! The recording has not been redone, but here are the new lyrics, now with the ending verse and a partial replay of the chorus: V1:When I'm feeling lonely and don't know what to do I play this old guitar and write a simple tune The words I write may make not make sense Even though I tried my best As a serious songwriter some have said I failed the test CHORUS: Silly songs for you They're all I can do So won't you hum along To my silly songs with me And 'tho someday I know my songs will go and fade away with me Like waves on the sea My silly songs and me My silly songs part of me V2:One day in the future when my hair is old and gray I'll give this guitar to someone who wants to play The words he writes may make not make sense Even though he tried his best As a serious songwriter they'll say he failed the test PARTIAL CHORUS: Silly songs for you They're all he can do Won't you hum along To his silly songs (end) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted January 2, 2013 Members Share Posted January 2, 2013 I'm not engaged by this song because it doesn't deliver any silliness. I felt set up and expectant for some silly content, but was only told that you like writing and singing silly songs for someone else. Do you get what I'm saying? I think you need to be playful - not simply reporting on your writing and singing activities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted January 2, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 2, 2013 Originally Posted by oldgitplayer I'm not engaged by this song because it doesn't deliver any silliness. I felt set up and expectant for some silly content, but was only told that you like writing and singing silly songs for someone else.Do you get what I'm saying? I think you need to be playful - not simply reporting on your writing and singing activities. Thanks, but your post points out a larger issue. I don't want this to be a silly song. It's not suppose to be a comedy song. It's suppose to be about an amateur songwriter commenting on his songs as being (taken) somewhat non-serious, even though he may want to be a serious writer. So, it's about the singer realizing his lot in life, his limitations, living with it, and thinking "that's not so bad after all", and moving on. That you thought it was intended as a silly song (comedic song) in the literal sense is a problem I need to think about.ADDENDUM: The last lyrics I posted are being changed to reduce the chance of a comedic interpretation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted January 2, 2013 Members Share Posted January 2, 2013 OK - I definitely didn't get any of the meaning that you have just described. I see now that you want the character to be 'a serious writer. Serious writer. Seeeriouuus wriiiiter'. 'Hey old man, won't you hear my song, it took me days to write, won't you sing along'. Based on a ballad by a man named Paul, Just open your ears and I'll thrill you all........' But I didn't anticipate a 'comedy' song with funny stuff that raises a laugh, I expected a bit of lightheartedness. For example.....'Who's that knocking at the door - open the door and let em in'. Anyway - over to you....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted January 3, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 GIT, thanks. So, there is a new demo. And it is shorter.Silly Songs For You ©2013 Rick Dieffenbach V1:When I'm feeling lonely and don't know what to do I play this old guitar and write a simple tune The words I write may make not make sense Even though I've tried my best As a serious songwriter some said I failed the test CHORUS: Silly songs for you They're all that I can do So won't you hum along To my silly songs with me And 'tho someday I know my silly songs will go and fade away with me Like waves on the sea Silly songs and me My silly songs part of me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted January 3, 2013 Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 I feel that your 'Failed the test' is too self-deprecating. Here's my take on what you are trying to say : V1: When I'm feeling low and don't know what to do (internal rhyme) I play this old guitar and write a simple tune And even though the words I write may not make much sense Or concern themselves with matters of great consequence I can write Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 3, 2013 Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 Originally Posted by oldgitplayer I feel that your 'Failed the test' is too self-deprecating. Here's my take on what you are trying to say :V1:When I'm feeling low and don't know what to do (internal rhyme)I play this old guitar and write a simple tuneAnd even though the words I write may not make much senseOr concern themselves with matters of great consequenceI can write Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members oldgitplayer Posted January 3, 2013 Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 Originally Posted by LCK I like this much better. Still not crazy about rhyming "tune" with "do," though. I just left Rick's rhyme, but if it is important to have a better rhyme (and I don't know if it is) then maybe :When I'm feeling low - (and I know I'm not immune)I play this old guitar and write a simple tune Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted January 3, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 Originally Posted by oldgitplayer I just left Rick's rhyme, but if it is important to have a better rhyme (and I don't know if it is) then maybe :When I'm feeling low - (and I know I'm not immune)I play this old guitar and write a simple tune Oh.. oh.. I think I got it:========================================When I held my first guitar, I was a younger manAnd through my clever songs I thought, the world would understandBut nothing happened on the wayExcept my dark hair turned all grayThe only tunes they seemed to like were some silly ones I played...=========================================== Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Monkey Uncle Posted January 3, 2013 Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 Originally Posted by RickDieffenbach Oh.. oh.. I think I got it:========================================When I held my first guitar, I was a younger manAnd through my clever songs I thought, the world would understandBut nothing happened on the wayExcept my dark hair turned all grayThe only tunes they seemed to like were some silly ones I played...=========================================== Yep, I like that better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RickDieffenbach Posted January 3, 2013 Author Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 GIT You are my hero.Silly Songs for You ©2013 Rick Dieffenbach When I held my first guitar, I was a younger man And through my clever songs I thought, the world would understand But nothing happened on the way Except my dark hair turned all gray The only tunes they seemed to like were some silly ones I played... CHORUS: Silly songs for you They're all that I can do So won't you hum along To my silly songs with me And 'tho someday I know my silly songs will go and fade away with me Like waves on the sea Silly songs and me My silly songs part of me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 3, 2013 Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 Originally Posted by RickDieffenbach When I held my first guitar, I was a younger manAnd through my clever songs I thought, the world would understandBut nothing happened on the wayExcept my dark hair turned all grayThe only tunes they seemed to like were some silly ones I played...CHORUS:Silly songs for youThey're all that I can doSo won't you hum along To my silly songswith meAnd 'tho someday I knowmy silly songs will goand fade away with meLike waves on the seaSilly songs and meMy silly songs part of me The opening is not working for me at all. It's what I would call a "button-pusher song," meaning that as soon as I heard a guy come on the car radio, singing about what a mediocre songwriter he is, I'd find the button for the next station.Also, what does "through my clever songs I thought the world would understand" mean? Understand what? And what does "nothing happened on the way" mean? It's an "almost" phrase, meaning it almost means something but doesn't; it's filler.It seems to me as if you're daring the listener not to listen to this song!The thing that really pisses me off about this song is that you're a terrific songwriter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted January 3, 2013 Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 Originally Posted by RickDieffenbach GIT You are my hero.Silly Songs for You©2013 Rick DieffenbachWhen I held my first guitar, I was a younger manAnd through my clever songs I thought, the world would understandBut nothing happened on the wayExcept my dark hair turned all grayThe only tunes they seemed to like were some silly ones I played...CHORUS:Silly songs for youThey're all that I can doSo won't you hum along To my silly songswith meAnd 'tho someday I knowmy silly songs will goand fade away with meLike waves on the seaSilly songs and meMy silly songs part of me As a general rule I try and shy away from writing songs about songwriting that are this explicit. Lyrically I preferred the last incarnation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted January 3, 2013 Moderators Share Posted January 3, 2013 I LOVE the chords and melody! I love the lyric direction. I'll leave the hashing out of those particulars to you guys... but this is nice, Rick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted January 3, 2013 Members Share Posted January 3, 2013 Originally Posted by Lee Knight I LOVE the chords and melody! Oh, yeah, the chords and melody. Me too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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