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"I Wish It Were You" -- WIP, brand new


LCK

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It's certainly a subject matter that's been done before, but if anyone can put a fresh twist on it, you can.  I think you're off to a good start.

A few things that mildly bugged me:

The "fait accompli" line.  Too much of a frou-frou term for me.

Not sure about "where no memories pop into view."  I like the sentiment, but the word choice seems a bit strained.  But this could be one of those things that irons itself out when it is sung.

The last line of the bridge seems too short for the syllable and stress pattern that has been established up to that point.  Again, this concern might go away when I hear it sung.

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Monkey Uncle wrote:

 

 

It's certainly a subject matter that's been done before, but if anyone can put a fresh twist on it, you can.  I think you're off to a good start.

 

A few things that mildly bugged me:

 

The "fait accompli" line.  Too much of a frou-frou term for me.

 

Not sure about "where no memories pop into view."  I like the sentiment, but the word choice seems a bit strained.  But this could be one of those things that irons itself out when it is sung.

 

The last line of the bridge seems too short for the syllable and stress pattern that has been established up to that point.  Again, this concern might go away when I hear it sung.

 

Good points.

It's funny: the fait accompli line is my favorite.

At any rate, this just popped out last night. It took about two minutes to write. So it's definitely a rough draft.

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Lee Knight wrote:

 

Nice ^ ! The whole thing just slides nicely. Very cool.

 

 

 

One thought... I love the bridge but I think it would work better if there were a word or two or three in a verse before about her trying to "perfect " him. As it stands now, it jumps out from the blue thematically just a little.

 

Good point.

Maybe:

 

Why can

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