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  • "I Wish It Were You" -- WIP, brand new

    The title just popped into my head, and I quickly sketched out the lyric.

    What do you think? Anything here?

     I Wish It Were You

    Baby, I

    "I write from a different place. I do not even know what it is called, or if it has a name. It just comes and I sculpt it. But it is also a lot of hard work." —Van Morrison

  • #2

    It's certainly a subject matter that's been done before, but if anyone can put a fresh twist on it, you can.  I think you're off to a good start.

    A few things that mildly bugged me:

    The "fait accompli" line.  Too much of a frou-frou term for me.

    Not sure about "where no memories pop into view."  I like the sentiment, but the word choice seems a bit strained.  But this could be one of those things that irons itself out when it is sung.

    The last line of the bridge seems too short for the syllable and stress pattern that has been established up to that point.  Again, this concern might go away when I hear it sung.

    Beware of deepities.<br>-- Daniel Dennett

    Comment


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      Monkey Uncle wrote:

      It's certainly a subject matter that's been done before, but if anyone can put a fresh twist on it, you can.  I think you're off to a good start.

      A few things that mildly bugged me:

      The "fait accompli" line.  Too much of a frou-frou term for me.

      Not sure about "where no memories pop into view."  I like the sentiment, but the word choice seems a bit strained.  But this could be one of those things that irons itself out when it is sung.

      The last line of the bridge seems too short for the syllable and stress pattern that has been established up to that point.  Again, this concern might go away when I hear it sung.


      Good points.

      It's funny: the fait accompli line is my favorite.

      At any rate, this just popped out last night. It took about two minutes to write. So it's definitely a rough draft.


  • #3
    I think it is good. I can definitely hear you singing it.
    Lyrics Songs Demos Videos Covers Facebook Tumblr

    Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.

    -Coco Chanel

    Comment


    • Oswlek
      Oswlek commented
      Editing a comment

      rsadasiv wrote:
      I think it is good. I can definitely hear you singing it.

      Ditto.


  • #4

    LCK wrote:

    The title just popped into my head, and I quickly sketched out the lyric.

    What do you think? Anything here?

     I Wish It Were You

    Baby, I

    Thomas Jefferson said... "The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as His father, in the womb of a virgin will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter." hmmm...

    Comment


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      Lee Knight wrote:

      Nice ^ ! The whole thing just slides nicely. Very cool.

       

      One thought... I love the bridge but I think it would work better if there were a word or two or three in a verse before about her trying to "perfect " him. As it stands now, it jumps out from the blue thematically just a little.


      Good point.

      Maybe:

       

      Why can

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