Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 6, 2013 Moderators Share Posted February 6, 2013 Spurred on by Blue's way cool new tune, and Justine O's idea of a Feb challenge based around the thread about it being dead in here... here's my 1st draft. Ideas, slams, comments, non sequitors all welcomed and encouraged.Kick and fingersanps for drums. Upright bass, guitar, upright piano. You get the idea. Lee Waits. Updating here as I go:V1It's dead in hereThe walls are painted dark blood red in hereAll that's left are echoes, of the things we saidYeah it's dead in here, it's dead V2It's dead in hereThey've all gone to bed and we'reLeft clinging to a shadow, as it slowly disappearsYeah it's dead in here, brother, that much is clear BShards of green glass bottles on the floor collecting dustThe broom hides in the closet with a water tank of rustThe daytime staff is history, all accounts are bustAnd all because... ah-ah-all because... V3It's dead in hereIt's really going to happen for real this yearNo more tragically pretty faces peeking through a smoke veneerNo more being put through the paces as we kick back our beerNo more lying through our teeth trying to get her out of hereAnd up to your room insteadYeah it's dead in hereLet's get outta hereIt's dead in hereIt's dead Original draft:V1It's dead in hereThe walls are painted in blood red in hereOnly good thing left are the echoes of the things we saidYeah it's dead in here, it's dead V2It's dead in hereThey've all gone to bed and we'reLeft clinging on to a shadow as it slowly disappearsYeah it's dead in here, brother, that much is clear BShards of green glass bottles on the floor collecting dustThe broom is in the closet against a water tank of rustThe daytime staff is history, all accounts are bustAnd all because... ah-ah-all because... V3It's dead in hereIt's really going to happen for real this yearNo more tragically pretty faces peeking through a smoke veneerNo more being put through the paces as we kick back our beerNo more lying through our teeth trying to get her out of hereAnd up to our room insteadYeah it's dead in hereLet's get outta hereIt's dead in hereIt's dead Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 6, 2013 Members Share Posted February 6, 2013 Boss. Really looking forward to hearing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rsadasiv Posted February 6, 2013 Members Share Posted February 6, 2013 Oswlek wrote: Boss. Really looking forward to hearing it. Don't listen to Justine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted February 6, 2013 Members Share Posted February 6, 2013 Great. I thought the blood red walls was too good to waste. I really like 1 and 2 and the first half of B. The second half feels like you're rushing to the rationale/explanation too quickly. I often get that feeling when I'm roughing out a song and feel like I'm forcing it. Which I've been feeling a lot under the RPM challenge. = )It seems like something I might try to do... I'll be interested to see if you continue along with the pivot to the girl-that's-apparently-no-longer-there as the real heart of why the scene is dead for the protag. It's a formula, but folks love ritual and what is ritual but a formula folks have followed for so long they can't remember why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 6, 2013 Members Share Posted February 6, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: Spurred on by Blue's way cool new tune, and Justine O's idea of a Feb challenge based around the thread about it being dead in here... here's my 1st draft. Ideas, slams, comments, non sequitors all welcomed and encouraged. Kick and fingersanps for drums. Upright bass, guitar, upright piano. You get the idea. Lee Waits. V1 It's dead in here The walls are painted dark blood red in hereAll that's left are echoes of the things we said Yeah it's dead in here, it's dead V2 It's dead in here They've all gone to bed and we'reswallowed by the shadows as our faces disappear Yeah it's dead in here, brother, that much is clear BGreen glass bottles on the bar collecting dust The broom hides in the closet with a water tank of rust The daytime staff is history, all accounts are bust And all because... ah-ah-all because... V3 It's dead in hereSeems that things are coming to a head this year No more tragic, pretty faces seen through a smoke veneer No more going through the paces, kickin' back our beerWhy try to charm the ladies, pretend to be sincere?No one's got the breadBesides, it's dead in here. Yeah it's dead in here It's dead in here It's dead Good stuff.I felt that the lyric needed a tiny bit of de-clutterification. So I made some suggestions (in bold).Your voice would sound fabulous with this kind of tune.Try paring downt the lyric a bit. (Words in bold: necessary or not?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 6, 2013 Members Share Posted February 6, 2013 This line stuck out a bit, as it were just filler."Seems that things are coming to a head this year..."If things are coming to a head it doesn't quite gibe with the idea that things are dead.Maybe:"Seems that things won't be coming to a head this year..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 6, 2013 Author Moderators Share Posted February 6, 2013 blue2blue wrote: Great. I thought the blood red walls was too good to waste. I really like 1 and 2 and the first half of B. The second half feels like you're rushing to the rationale/explanation too quickly. I often get that feeling when I'm roughing out a song and feel like I'm forcing it. Which I've been feeling a lot under the RPM challenge. = ) It seems like something I might try to do... I'll be interested to see if you continue along with the pivot to the girl-that's-apparently-no-longer-there as the real heart of why the scene is dead for the protag. It's a formula, but folks love ritual and what is ritual but a formula folks have followed for so long they can't remember why. Hmmm... "Rushing" to an explanation too quickly, at that point the tune has gone over the mountain and heading home. So "too quickly" might be more a case of it feeling wrong going there at all. That might be the issue. Maybe sticking with the glass and dust and rust and accumulated filth could be more on track. Daytime staff and accounts being out of character, though I do like the ending of the bridge turning around from, "all because... ...it's dead in here". I think that's a cool turning point right there. Maybe I need to really look at line 3 from the bridge. Thank you sir! Your other point, "girl-that's-apparently-no-longer-there as the real heart of why the scene is dead". I'm not clear if you're suggesting I might go there, or saying I have already. I hadn't intended to. The girls, plural, are not there, the old game of hunt is over, all because.... it's dead in here. But, maybe suggesting the real source of his gloom is due to a girl is interesting. Still, that pulls it to a whole new neighborhood, one I might be best to visit from the start on another tune. Perhaps? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members nat whilk II Posted February 6, 2013 Members Share Posted February 6, 2013 Great job - just needs some tweaking to taste. I'm seeing a zombie Tom Waits singing this one nat whilk ii Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 6, 2013 Author Moderators Share Posted February 6, 2013 LCK wrote: Lee Knight wrote: Spurred on by Blue's way cool new tune, and Justine O's idea of a Feb challenge based around the thread about it being dead in here... here's my 1st draft. Ideas, slams, comments, non sequitors all welcomed and encouraged. Kick and fingersanps for drums. Upright bass, guitar, upright piano. You get the idea. Lee Waits. V1 It's dead in here The walls are painted dark blood red in here All that's left are echoes of the things we said Yeah it's dead in here, it's dead V2 It's dead in here They've all gone to bed and we're swallowed by the shadows as our faces disappear Yeah it's dead in here, brother, that much is clear B Green glass bottles on the bar collecting dust The broom hides in the closet with a water tank of rust The daytime staff is history, all accounts are bust And all because... ah-ah-all because... V3 It's dead in here Seems that things are coming to a head this year No more tragic, pretty faces seen through a smoke veneer No more going through the paces, kickin' back our beer Why try to charm the ladies, pretend to be sincere? No one's got the bread Besides, it's dead in here. Yeah it's dead in here It's dead in here It's dead Good stuff. I felt that the lyric needed a tiny bit of de-clutterification. So I made some suggestions (in bold). Your voice would sound fabulous with this kind of tune. Try paring downt the lyric a bit. (Words in bold: necessary or not?) I'm liking 75% of that for the melody I've got in my head. I'll appropriate your... uh... I mean... update the OP shortly. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 10, 2013 Author Moderators Share Posted February 10, 2013 Well... I changed the first motif from 531 to 5(below) 1 2 3It's dead in here 5(below) 1 2 3Blood red in here The connecting phrase between those two above has also been modified. I really don't want to be to close but I want to retain that I was digging initially about what I thought I wrote. I like what I've come up with. I'm working on grooves in ProTools as we speak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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