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  • It's Dead in Here - lyric draft

    Spurred on by Blue's way cool new tune, and Justine O's idea of a Feb challenge based around the thread about it being dead in here... here's my 1st draft. Ideas, slams, comments, non sequitors all welcomed and encouraged.

    Kick and fingersanps for drums. Upright bass, guitar, upright piano. You get the idea. Lee Waits.

     

     

    Updating here as I go:

    V1

    It's dead in here

    The walls are painted dark blood red in here

    All that's left are echoes, of the things we said

    Yeah it's dead in here, it's dead

     

    V2

    It's dead in here

    They've all gone to bed and we're

    Left clinging to a shadow, as it slowly disappears

    Yeah it's dead in here, brother, that much is clear

     

    B

    Shards of green glass bottles on the floor collecting dust

    The broom hides in the closet with a water tank of rust

    The daytime staff is history, all accounts are bust

    And all because... ah-ah-all because...

     

    V3

    It's dead in here

    It's really going to happen for real this year

    No more tragically pretty faces peeking through a smoke veneer

    No more being put through the paces as we kick back our beer

    No more lying through our teeth trying to get her out of here

    And up to your room instead

    Yeah it's dead in here

    Let's get outta here

    It's dead in here

    It's dead

     

    Original draft:

    V1

    It's dead in here

    The walls are painted in blood red in here

    Only good thing left are the echoes of the things we said

    Yeah it's dead in here, it's dead

     

    V2

    It's dead in here

    They've all gone to bed and we're

    Left clinging on to a shadow as it slowly disappears

    Yeah it's dead in here, brother, that much is clear

     

    B

    Shards of green glass bottles on the floor collecting dust

    The broom is in the closet against a water tank of rust

    The daytime staff is history, all accounts are bust

    And all because... ah-ah-all because...

     

    V3

    It's dead in here

    It's really going to happen for real this year

    No more tragically pretty faces peeking through a smoke veneer

    No more being put through the paces as we kick back our beer

    No more lying through our teeth trying to get her out of here

    And up to our room instead

    Yeah it's dead in here

    Let's get outta here

    It's dead in here

    It's dead

     

     

    __________
    Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

  • #2

    Boss.  Really looking forward to hearing it.

    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012

    Comment


    • rsadasiv
      rsadasiv commented
      Editing a comment

      Oswlek wrote:

      Boss.  Really looking forward to hearing it.


      Don't listen to Justine.


  • #3

    Great. I thought the blood red walls was too good to waste. I really like 1 and 2 and the first half of B. The second half feels like you're rushing to the rationale/explanation too quickly. I often get that feeling when I'm roughing out a song and feel like I'm forcing it. Which I've been feeling a lot under the RPM challenge. = )


    It seems like something I might try to do... I'll be interested to see if you continue along with the pivot to the girl-that's-apparently-no-longer-there as the real heart of why the scene is dead for the protag. It's a formula, but folks love ritual and what is ritual but a formula folks have followed for so long they can't remember why.



    music and social stuff

    Comment


    • Lee Knight
      Lee Knight commented
      Editing a comment

      blue2blue wrote:

      Great. I thought the blood red walls was too good to waste. I really like 1 and 2 and the first half of B. The second half feels like you're rushing to the rationale/explanation too quickly. I often get that feeling when I'm roughing out a song and feel like I'm forcing it. Which I've been feeling a lot under the RPM challenge. = )

      It seems like something I might try to do... I'll be interested to see if you continue along with the pivot to the girl-that's-apparently-no-longer-there as the real heart of why the scene is dead for the protag. It's a formula, but folks love ritual and what is ritual but a formula folks have followed for so long they can't remember why.


       

      Hmmm... "Rushing" to an explanation too quickly, at that point the tune has gone over the mountain and heading home. So "too quickly" might be more a case of it feeling wrong going there at all. That might be the issue. Maybe sticking with the glass and dust and rust and accumulated filth could be more on track. Daytime staff and accounts being out of character, though I do like the ending of the bridge turning around  from, "all because...

       

      ...it's dead in here". I think that's a cool turning point right there. Maybe I need to really look at line 3 from the bridge. Thank you sir!

       

      Your other point, "girl-that's-apparently-no-longer-there as the real heart of why the scene is dead". I'm not clear if you're suggesting I might go there, or saying I have already. I hadn't intended to. The girls, plural, are not there, the old game of hunt is over, all because.... it's dead in here.

       

      But, maybe suggesting the real source of his gloom is due to a girl is interesting. Still, that pulls it to a whole new neighborhood, one I might be best to visit from the start on another tune. Perhaps? 


  • #4

    Lee Knight wrote:

    Spurred on by Blue's way cool new tune, and Justine O's idea of a Feb challenge based around the thread about it being dead in here... here's my 1st draft. Ideas, slams, comments, non sequitors all welcomed and encouraged.

    Kick and fingersanps for drums. Upright bass, guitar, upright piano. You get the idea. Lee Waits.

     

    V1

    It's dead in here

    The walls are painted dark blood red in here

    All that's left are echoes of the things we said

    Yeah it's dead in here, it's dead

     

    V2

    It's dead in here

    They've all gone to bed and we're

    swallowed by the shadows as our faces disappear

    Yeah it's dead in here, brother, that much is clear

     

    B

    Green glass bottles on the bar collecting dust

    The broom hides in the closet with a water tank of rust

    The daytime staff is history, all accounts are bust

    And all because... ah-ah-all because...

     

    V3

    It's dead in here

    Seems that things are coming to a head this year

    No more tragic, pretty faces seen through a smoke veneer

    No more going through the paces, kickin' back our beer

    Why try to charm the ladies, pretend to be sincere?

    No one's got the bread

    Besides, it's dead in here.

    Yeah it's dead in here

    It's dead in here

    It's dead


    Good stuff.

    I felt that the lyric needed a tiny bit of de-clutterification. So I made some suggestions (in bold).

    Your voice would sound fabulous with this kind of tune.

    Try paring downt the lyric a bit. (Words in bold: necessary or not?)

    “I think you make yourself an antenna for songs, and songs want to be around you. And then they bring other songs along, and then they’re all sittin’ around, and they’re drinking your beer, and they’re sleeping on the floor.” —Tom Waits

    Comment


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      This line stuck out a bit, as it were just filler.

      "Seems that things are coming to a head this year..."

      If things are coming to a head it doesn't quite gibe with the idea that things are dead.

      Maybe:

      "Seems that things won't be coming to a head this year..."


    • Lee Knight
      Lee Knight commented
      Editing a comment

      LCK wrote:

      Lee Knight wrote:

      Spurred on by Blue's way cool new tune, and Justine O's idea of a Feb challenge based around the thread about it being dead in here... here's my 1st draft. Ideas, slams, comments, non sequitors all welcomed and encouraged.

      Kick and fingersanps for drums. Upright bass, guitar, upright piano. You get the idea. Lee Waits.

       

      V1

      It's dead in here

      The walls are painted dark blood red in here

      All that's left are echoes of the things we said

      Yeah it's dead in here, it's dead

       

      V2

      It's dead in here

      They've all gone to bed and we're

      swallowed by the shadows as our faces disappear

      Yeah it's dead in here, brother, that much is clear

       

      B

      Green glass bottles on the bar collecting dust

      The broom hides in the closet with a water tank of rust

      The daytime staff is history, all accounts are bust

      And all because... ah-ah-all because...

       

      V3

      It's dead in here

      Seems that things are coming to a head this year

      No more tragic, pretty faces seen through a smoke veneer

      No more going through the paces, kickin' back our beer

      Why try to charm the ladies, pretend to be sincere?

      No one's got the bread

      Besides, it's dead in here.

      Yeah it's dead in here

      It's dead in here

      It's dead


      Good stuff.

      I felt that the lyric needed a tiny bit of de-clutterification. So I made some suggestions (in bold).

      Your voice would sound fabulous with this kind of tune.

      Try paring downt the lyric a bit. (Words in bold: necessary or not?)



      I'm liking 75% of that for the melody I've got in my head. I'll appropriate your... uh... I mean... update the OP shortly. Thanks.


  • #5

    Great job - just needs some tweaking to taste.

     

    I'm seeing a zombie Tom Waits singing this one

     

    nat whilk ii

     

    Comment


    • #6
      Well... I changed the first motif from 531 to

      5(below) 1 2 3
      It's dead in here

      5(below) 1 2 3
      Blood red in here

      The connecting phrase between those two above has also been modified. I really don't want to be to close but I want to retain that I was digging initially about what I thought I wrote. I like what I've come up with. I'm working on grooves in ProTools as we speak.
      __________
      Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

      Comment



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