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A Germ Of Something (1/28)


rsadasiv

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Hey Stephen

Don't stay cooped up in the house

Get outside once a day

It's ok to talk to strangers

But don't trust what they say

And if you're not comfortable

If your mind is going astray

Ask the little voice inside

Is this really insane?

 

And if it is, that's ok

Just say you have to go

Walk, don't run, and call my cell

When you get back home.

You've made lots of progress

I'm really proud of you

Take your meds and trust your friends

We're here to help you through.

 

Argh, here it comes again

I don't like the way this feels

Here it comes again

Here it comes

Here it comes

 

Why did you say that?

That's just insane.

Why did you do that?

That's just insane.

Why did you think that?

I'm going insane.

 

If you are, that's ok

Just say you have to go

Walk, don't run, and call my cell

When you get back home.

You've made lots of progress

I'm really proud of you

Take your meds and trust your friends

We're here to help you through.

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rsadasiv wrote:

 

Hey Stephen

 

Don't stay cooped up in the house

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

We're here to help you through.

 

I think you're on to something good here.

However, I think that when you set up three open-A rhymes in a row -- day, say, astray -- and then end that series on an A-sound followed by a consonant -- insane -- it's a bit jarring.

Maybe it's just the use of the word insane, which may be a bit too on-the-nose.

But again, it's nice work, an interesting topic told in a kind off off-center way.

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LCK wrote:

 


rsadasiv wrote:

 

Hey Stephen

 

Don't stay cooped up in the house

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

We're here to help you through.

 

 

I think you're on to something good here.

 

However, I think that when you set up three open-A rhymes in a row --
day, say, astray
-- and then end that series on an A-sound followed by a consonant --
insane
-- it's a bit jarring.

 

Maybe it's just the use of the word
insane,
which may be a bit too on-the-nose.

 

But again, it's nice work, an interesting topic told in a kind off off-center way.

I think it could work if you really streched out the A-sound.

 

 

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