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You and Me (Jeanne's Song)

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  • You and Me (Jeanne's Song)

    Thank you everyone especial LCK they were wonderful suggestions which have been incorporated. See post #8.

     

     

     

     

     

    Hi everyone.... I am on travel so have been absent.  I wrote this and recorded in my hotel room on my mp3 player.


    Anything stick out really off?

    You and Me (Jeanne's Song)
    (c)2013 Rick Dieffenbach

    You and me
    Up on a hill
    Look'en at the view and a place to build our life
    You and me
    Together again
    Life circled round and brought back my friend

    You and me
    Stroll'n through town
    Look'en in the shops at what can be found
    Laugh'en and hav'en a really good time
    meeting up with friends
    and drinking red wine

    You and me
    you and me
    you and me
    you and me

    Bridge
    Life waits for no one you need to sing your song
    And when the right one comes along how can it be wrong?

    Jeanne...
    I loved you then
    I love you now
    You are my best friend

    Jeanne...
    won't you marry me
    I'll love you faithfully
    And tenderly

    to the end
    to the end
    you and me
    to the end

    Marry me
    Marry me
    Jeanne

     

     

    "Now and then... occasionally... it seems to have.... too many notes"

  • #2
    Woow Nice

    Comment


    • rsadasiv
      rsadasiv commented
      Editing a comment

      It's nice. If it is about You and Me, why is it Jeanne's Song?

       

      Happy travels.


  • #3

    Anything stick out really off?

    You and Me (Jeanne's Song)
    (c)2013 Rick Dieffenbach

    Me and you
    Up on a hill
    Look'en at the view and a place to build a home
    You and me
    Together again
    Life circled round and brought back my friend

    You and me
    Strollin' through town
    Lookin' in the shops an' hangin' around
    Laughin' at the weather, passin' the time.
    We're back together
    and it isn't it fine?

    You and me
    you and me
    you and me
    you and me

    Bridge
    Life waits for no one you need to sing your song
    And when the right one comes along you know that you belong (together).

    Jeanne...
    I loved you then
    I love you now
    You are my best friend

    Jeanne...
    won't you marry me
    I'll love you faithfully
    And tenderly

    to the end
    to the end
    you and me
    to the end

    Marry me
    Marry me
    Jeanne


    It's quite lovely, Rick. Another winner.

    There are a few minor things to consider, lyrically speaking.

    I've highlighted some suggestions for changes in bold.

    Reasons?

    The first line has a potential internal rhyme built in; just reverse "you and me."

    "Build a life" is too abstract for my taste. The idea of standing on a hill and picturing the home you want to build is stronger.

    "Lookin' in the shops at what can be found" is a bit weak, IMO. The same goes for "laughin' and havin' a really good time." Don't tell us you're having a good time, show us.

    The stuff about meeting friends and drinking red wine bordered on cliche for me.

    "How can it be wrong" introduces a negative possibility. I think the song should focus on the wonderful feeling of finding that perfect person and kind of walking on air.

    Other than those few minor adjustments I must say this is pretty terrific all around.

    Nice work!

    “I think you make yourself an antenna for songs, and songs want to be around you. And then they bring other songs along, and then they’re all sittin’ around, and they’re drinking your beer, and they’re sleeping on the floor.” —Tom Waits

    Comment


    • oldgitplayer
      oldgitplayer commented
      Editing a comment

      Nice Rick.

      Verse 2 is the weak spot in the song. You might re-look at the content.

      The emotions that are explored musically, and in the lyric of the rest of the song, feel like they deserve more than the mundane activity of 'Looking in the shops'.

      Verse 2 needs to be as good as Verse 1.


  • #4
    Congratulations Rick. I know its been a rough time for you... glad to see you're landing on your feet

    Comment


    • rsadasiv
      rsadasiv commented
      Editing a comment
      Congratulations!

  • #5
    Holy smokes and congrats to you my friend!
    __________
    Your god doesn't exist but my god does and he is all loving. If you disagree with me I'll kill you. - Prince Ea

    Comment


    • stickboymusic
      stickboymusic commented
      Editing a comment

      Ohhhh I am late to this but I echo everybody elses sentiments.

       

      This song doesn't need any changes, in fact it sounds like it is the most "successful" song you have ever written.

       

      The best of luck for the future, may your pathways blossom.

       

       



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