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  • Taking another crack at one - still untitled

    JUMP TO PAGE TWO!!!!!

     

     

     

     

     

    I passed this through a while back and got pretty far along, but let it drift away before the final coat of polish was applied. Here are the lyrics and a demo, with some additional details beneath.

    http://picosong.com/wnY9 - please be aware a few lines are sung differently. The text below is more up-to-date.

    V1
    You wake up on the couch again
    All stiff and sore, the TV spinning
    The same old tune it played the night before

    V2
    It's haunted you since your high school days
    You never could get your poor ass laid
    And you played the game like a total God damned fool

    V3
    So you [COLOR="red"]hitch to the first girl who gave
    A token shred of appreciation
    [COLOR="red"]But now she's gone and you don't know what to do

    C
    So you crawl out of bed
    And grab a cigarette
    And you try to clear your head

    V4
    Your friends they try to fix you up
    Just play it cool and have some fun
    Hey! I've got the perfect girl for you

    V5
    Another day you still don't phone
    It's just as well you've always known
    [COLOR="red"]She's too good for you anyway



    Questionable areas are in red

    1) "Hitch to" sounds too much like marriage, which isn't exactly what I meant to say. I suppose it could be taken that way, and maybe it is even stronger if it involves a divorce, but it's really just about putting too much faith in that first love.

    2) I really wanted to convey that she wasn't the right person in the first place, but am struggling to say that within one line (or perhaps two with a rewrite of the "hitch" line). Right now it is too up-in-the-air why she is gone.

    3) "She's too good" - is supposed to convey that ALL girls are too good, a serious lack of self-worth and confidence, but I don't think it quite pulled it off. At the very least, is it clear that "she" is the woman his friends are setting him up with?

    Some additional thoughts

    * Marshall was looking for some more clarity in the chorus, the root of the matter, but I can't pull it off. I'm open to a rewrite if offered some specific direction, but a simple nudge isn't going to be enough at this point.

    * LCK wasn't a big fan of "appreciation", but I really like how it sings, so it stays for now, barring a total rewrite of that line to solve problems #1 and #2 above.

    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012

  • #2
    I'd keep 'hitch to' and play of that phrase for the 3rd line of that verse. Horse without a tether, jackknifed trailer, etc

    I like the simplicity of the chorus. I don't like bed in the first line because the first verse says you woke up on the couch again. Maybe 'your bed' would fix it.

    And you try to clear your head is the main thing that I think needs changing. I like the sentiment. I think it rings true. Hell, we've probably all been there. I just think you can do a much better job with the language.

    something something bed
    try to clear your head

    feels like it has been done to death.

    For V5 I'd probably just say 'They're all too good for you anyway'
    ...

    Comment


    • #3
      I knew you'd catch the couch/bed thing, Ryan. Can't sneak that by you.

      I considered "They're too good" but I worry that it will sound like his friends are too good.
      Don't listen to Justin.
      LCK - 2/21/2012

      Comment


      • #4
        I knew you'd catch the couch/bed thing, Ryan. Can't sneak that by you.

        I considered "They're too good" but I worry that it will sound like his friends are too good.


        There I go again being all linear and ****************.

        I think even if the listener heard wrong and thought you were saying he thought his friends were too good for him, it would still have the desired effect. Low self esteem, isolation, maybe a little depression all sounds like what you are trying to get across.
        ...

        Comment


        • #5
          I remember this song. I quite like it.

          I'll have to re-listen when I have more time.

          "Hitch" is the only glitch I see so far.

          LCK
          “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

          Comment


          • #6
            I remember this song. I quite like it.

            I'll have to re-listen when I have more time.

            "Hitch" is the only glitch I see so far.

            LCK


            yeh agree

            how about "wed with..." kinda ties in with shred on the next line

            also not fully convinced on this

            the TV spinning
            The same old tune it played the night before

            sounds like something a record player would do...not a tv.... do tv's spin tunes? i guess in a way they may do.... maybe change spinning?

            Comment


            • #7
              Quite pretty tune.

              Another day you still don't phone
              It's just as well you've always known
              She's too good for you anyway

              me wants to get rid of "well", as well as "It's" I think it still works melodically:

              Another day you still don't phone
              just as you've always known
              you'd rather be alone

              ... I know that last line isn;'t what you aimed at, and it busts the rhyming scheme, but it' what I feel the lyrics are leading to (for me at least....)

              Rick
              "Now and then... occasionally... it seems to have.... too many notes"

              Comment


              • #8
                I think this is good. I can hear the melodic structure of the verse working really well in full production with other instrumentation.
                The chorus however isn't as melodically developed as the verse.
                In the final chorus you improvise with some vocal variation that feels better than the preceding choruses.
                Maybe the middle chorus should also be a 5 or 6 liner - I think that could be a benefit.
                'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
                CHARLIE PARKER

                Comment


                • #9
                  * LCK wasn't a big fan of "appreciation", but I really like how it sings, so it stays for now, barring a total rewrite of that line to solve problems #1 and #2 above.


                  I wasn't? Hmmm. Sorry. I kind of like it this time around. It's one of those unexpected rhymes that doesn't land on the last note, but comes in the middle of a word (in fact, it's actually a kind of assonance). In fact, this time around I was thinking the song could use a few more of them.

                  Maybe hang on to instead of hitch to? Or grabbed on to?

                  So you grabbed on to the first girl who gave
                  a token shred of appreciation, but
                  now she's gone and you don't know what to do


                  If I were you I'd go for an actual rhyme on the 4th verse.

                  Your friends all try to fix you up.
                  You look into your coffee cup and you
                  say, "I don't know. But thanks, anyway..."


                  Another day, you still don't phone
                  What the hell, you've always known that you'll
                  never have a player's resume. (a lover's resume? the perfect resume?)

                  Just some ideas.

                  LCK
                  “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

                  Comment


                  • #10

                    The chorus however isn't as melodically developed as the verse.


                    That's a consideration of mine as well. You seem to just wind down, presumably to imitate how this guy feels about his life. But those last couple of notes on the chorus feel like a let down to me (and presumably to other listeners).

                    But I love the tune, the basic premise, 99% of the execution of said premise, and the chords are fabuloso.

                    LCK
                    “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Lots to respond to

                      Stick - I know it is a mixed metaphor, but I like it, gives the impression that it is little more than background noise. I could change it to "CD spinning" but that seems more intentional.

                      Rick - I'll give those changes some thought, particularly line #2.

                      OGP and LCK - Would a counter melody in the chorus add the spice you are looking for? If not, would you mind offering some specific advice on what words you hear some inflection changes? Even notes if you know what they are (the song is in E and the chorus goes E-A, E-A, F#m, B). Much of the absence is dancing is the need to craft melodies around my (lack of) abilities. Doesn't "head" being low in the first chorus set up the rise at the end of the second chorus?

                      I totally get what you are saying theoretically, but I'm not quite there applicably.

                      LCK - I hadn't thought of squeezing an "on" into the phrase. I'm thinking either "hold on to" or "latch on to", and leaning towards the latter.

                      Are you providing ideas for V4 because you think it needs help? I kind of like the casualness of it, which is rare for me.
                      Don't listen to Justin.
                      LCK - 2/21/2012

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Singing it through a few times, "hold" flows the best, by far, which is too bad because it is the least descriptive word. But it just sounds so much better that the alternatives.

                        I'm also considering turning what I currently sing as the chorus into a backing melody, and writing another more prominant lead vocal that plays off of and interacts with it.
                        Don't listen to Justin.
                        LCK - 2/21/2012

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Are you providing ideas for V4 because you think it needs help? I kind of like the casualness of it, which is rare for me.


                          I was just fiddling around with it.

                          LCK
                          “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            OGP and LCK - Would a counter melody in the chorus add the spice you are looking for? If not, would you mind offering some specific advice on what words you hear some inflection changes? Even notes if you know what they are (the song is in E and the chorus goes E-A, E-A, F#m, B). Much of the absence is dancing is the need to craft melodies around my (lack of) abilities. Doesn't "head" being low in the first chorus set up the rise at the end of the second chorus?

                            I totally get what you are saying theoretically, but I'm not quite there applicably.


                            I tried scatting a 6 line chorus using some different chords (I really think you need to start the chorus in something other than E).
                            G#m / A / C#m / E
                            C#m / E / F#7 / B

                            Another way is :
                            G#m / A / C#m / E
                            F#m / E / F#m7 / B

                            It works for me scatting a melody over the top, and then it falls quite naturally back into the verse melody.
                            Give it a try.
                            'Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn'.
                            CHARLIE PARKER

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Some melodic sameness issues, huh?

                              I just spent 20 minutes playing around with your ideas and I can't make it work, OGP. C#m is too generic and G#m isn't what I am looking for. I'll have to see if I can fake out the listener with some layering on top.
                              Don't listen to Justin.
                              LCK - 2/21/2012

                              Comment



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