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Mountain (Germ to Song)

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  • Mountain (Germ to Song)

    I tried to channel my inner Rhino on the music.

     

    http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12153518

     

    V1
    I was born a strong mountain
    Time has been a strong rain
    I'm still standing but if I fell down
    I couldn't get up here again

    V2
    Hacked with picks and drilled with mines
    They suck on my blood like wine
    Seasons turn while the west wind blows
    I've grown so incredibly old

    C1
    I'm the man in the mountain, baby
    It's the job I was born to do
    Atlas never knew why he was there
    But for me, I do it for you

    V3
    Shoulders slumped on a back that's cracked
    A rock slide paralyzed my face
    Each year a little more comes off the top
    Crags crumble and fall out of place

    V4
    Down below I see the fertile plain
    Where you plant and harvest your grain
    I did that, I built it, I made it for you
    Because that is the job I was born to do

    C2
    I'm the man in the mountain, baby
    It's the job I was born to do
    Atlas never knew why he was there
    But for me, I do it for you

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    Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.

    -Coco Chanel

  • #2

    Nice.  You'll have to work on enunciating when tracking it because I wouldn't have understood a word if it weren't for the text.  I also wish you had taken Ryan's advice about changing the line to "I'm the man, I'm the mountain, baby".  I think that says so much more, and more precisely than how it is now.

     

    One other thing, it sounds like the guitar does something really cool in the chorus, but I couldn't quite make it out.  I wish I had because I have a feeling like if that were more prominent, it would have given the chorus a little more separation from the verse.

    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012

    Comment


    • Lee Knight
      Lee Knight commented
      Editing a comment

      I love what this is going for but... for me, there are a couple of issues that are holding it back from it really connecting. The imagery is top notch and I absolutely love the words... but first off, and you are truly a top notch poet, I'm confused by the rhyme scheme.

       

      As a writer I'm confused, but as a listener, I am as well. There doesn't seem to be a pattern that brings a sense of rhythm to the overall structure of the tune. I'm probably missing it big time I don't doubt, but still... it feels like what you have here currently for rhyme, is not doing the listeners any favors.

       

      Then, for me again, and I may feel very differently after a few listens, the melody you're working feels like it is pulling away from the natural cadence of your lyric. Your lyric, on paper, has a rhythm that really pulls me in. The melody actually contradicts that inherent cadence you so expertly put down in black and white.

       

      note the 2nd line of each verse. But it extends to the lyric/music marriage throughout. For me.

       

      I would drive around reciting your poem until a melody emerges naturally from it. Right now they feel at odds with one another.  I really like the words of this and remember you working it out earlier and love it them too. I may very well be wrong but I'm not hearing it. Yet.

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