Members rsadasiv Posted February 20, 2013 Members Share Posted February 20, 2013 I tried to channel my inner Rhino on the music. http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12153518 V1I was born a strong mountainTime has been a strong rainI'm still standing but if I fell downI couldn't get up here again V2Hacked with picks and drilled with minesThey suck on my blood like wineSeasons turn while the west wind blowsI've grown so incredibly old C1I'm the man in the mountain, babyIt's the job I was born to doAtlas never knew why he was thereBut for me, I do it for you V3Shoulders slumped on a back that's crackedA rock slide paralyzed my faceEach year a little more comes off the topCrags crumble and fall out of place V4Down below I see the fertile plainWhere you plant and harvest your grainI did that, I built it, I made it for youBecause that is the job I was born to do C2I'm the man in the mountain, babyIt's the job I was born to doAtlas never knew why he was thereBut for me, I do it for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 20, 2013 Members Share Posted February 20, 2013 Nice. You'll have to work on enunciating when tracking it because I wouldn't have understood a word if it weren't for the text. I also wish you had taken Ryan's advice about changing the line to "I'm the man, I'm the mountain, baby". I think that says so much more, and more precisely than how it is now. One other thing, it sounds like the guitar does something really cool in the chorus, but I couldn't quite make it out. I wish I had because I have a feeling like if that were more prominent, it would have given the chorus a little more separation from the verse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 20, 2013 Moderators Share Posted February 20, 2013 I love what this is going for but... for me, there are a couple of issues that are holding it back from it really connecting. The imagery is top notch and I absolutely love the words... but first off, and you are truly a top notch poet, I'm confused by the rhyme scheme. As a writer I'm confused, but as a listener, I am as well. There doesn't seem to be a pattern that brings a sense of rhythm to the overall structure of the tune. I'm probably missing it big time I don't doubt, but still... it feels like what you have here currently for rhyme, is not doing the listeners any favors. Then, for me again, and I may feel very differently after a few listens, the melody you're working feels like it is pulling away from the natural cadence of your lyric. Your lyric, on paper, has a rhythm that really pulls me in. The melody actually contradicts that inherent cadence you so expertly put down in black and white. note the 2nd line of each verse. But it extends to the lyric/music marriage throughout. For me. I would drive around reciting your poem until a melody emerges naturally from it. Right now they feel at odds with one another. I really like the words of this and remember you working it out earlier and love it them too. I may very well be wrong but I'm not hearing it. Yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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