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  • Insane

    All suggestions welcomed. This is a rather dark song.

    Insane
    (c) 2013 Rick Dieffenbach and Jeanne Ferreira

    When did the child, that he once had inside, settle down?
    When did he learn, it was better to hide, then be found?
    The bully boys, waiting to tear him up
    While the clicky clicky girls spoke their clicky clucky, gossip

    She used to play with her dolls and draw pictures, with smiles
    Laughing and giggling at the sound of life, all around
    Then one day, the smile was wiped from her face
    And from that day forward, she lived in a very dark place

     

    ======================================

    CHORUS:

    People don

    <div class="signaturecontainer"><i>&quot;Now and then... occasionally... it seems to have.... too many notes&quot;</i><br></div>

  • #2

    Wow, where to start?  Lots going on...

    In general, I like the Pink Floyd meets Beatles musical vibe.  The somewhat unconventional, rambling song structure helps build the insanity theme, but I felt like the song dragged on a little long because of it.

    I like the first verse except for the clicky clicky girls line.  That whole line fell flat for me, especially the attempt to rhyme "gossip" with "up."  I'd rewrite that line entirely.  Otherwise, I think verse 1 is good.

    Verse two, on the other hand, doesn't work for me.  The switch from the boy's story to the girl's story was too abrubt, and the words in that verse are too generic and bland.  The verse doesn't really tell a story, it just says she was happy, then all of a sudden she wasn't.  I suggest scrapping that verse and replacing it with something that continues the boy's story.

    I found the words in the chorus to be too much of a straight-forward sermon.  But that might just be me.

    I like the bridge words, especially the reference to god as a "she."  That little bit of unconventionality contributes to the slightly off-kilter feel of the song.  However, I would keep "she" throughout.  The one line where you say "he" just sounds like you couldn't make up your mind.  The concept of a hermaphroditic Almighty is just a little too far out there for me.  Hey, hermaphroditic Almighty would be a good name for a band...

    I love the guitar solo.  It's nothing fancy, but I think it fits the song well.

    Beware of deepities.<br>-- Daniel Dennett

    Comment


    • #3

      Very cool.  The bridge and interlude are astoundingly good and you took a serious vocal risk in the chorus, which I think panned out.

       

      I agree with Monkey about the "gossip" line.  I also think you need to be careful about how you phrase the 3rd and 4th lines, because they sound like you are really going out of your way to have the final word come down on the same beat as the weird instrument.  Listen to the the first line of stanza two ("smiles") and hear how natural that sounds, then do the same for the "gossip" line for what I mean.  There is no reason why you can't just sing the up/gossip line more naturally and end the word a hair before the first down beat of the next measure.  I think the variance might actualy enhance the song.

       

      Another idea that popped into my head is to drop off the 4th line of each stanza.  Harkening back to the Pat Pattison threads, this tune is the epitome of unstable, so an odd number of lines would subtly contribute to the sense of dismay by not giving the listener the closure they expect.  Not only that, but it would get to the chorus a little quicker (solving the problem Monkey mentioned) and drop the weakest lines in both stanzas.

       

      I notice a mild disconnect between the and verses as well.  Believe me, I am fully aware of bullying and the scars it leaves, but they don't really "desert you" because they were never really with you in the first place.  Unless, of course, that you are refering to friendships with more subtle bullying (I have experience with that, too) but you really didn't draw that picture in the first two stanzas.

       

      Really cool tune, Rick.  Glad to see you stopping by again.

      Don't listen to Justin.
      LCK - 2/21/2012

      Comment


      • Lee Knight
        Lee Knight commented
        Editing a comment

        Wow, this is wild. Cool wild. It hits more than it misses for me, but there are a few sizable misses that are easy fixes in my book. This, as always, is take it or leave. Ideas and reactions are free. I can't help myself. Here's what I'd do...

         

        I'd stay with the boy. It's too much of that shopping list feel. We get that these are two scenarios that point to the chorus, but... and we all do this, when a song jumps from scenario to scenario, from character to character, it isn't as clever as we hope. Stay with the boy. I personally loved the clicky cluck line but I'd boot the word gossip and try something like whispering behind their hands, etc. or... they cheer on the bully boys. That's evil.

         

        Then... this is a big one, I'd drop the insane angle. What?!?!?! I actually think the song's called...

         

        People Don't Care

         

        People don


      • LCK
        LCK commented
        Editing a comment

        Oswlek wrote:

        I agree with Monkey about the "gossip" line.  I also think you need to be careful about how you phrase the 3rd and 4th lines, because they sound like you are really going out of your way to have the final word come down on the same beat as the weird instrument.  Listen to the the first line of stanza two ("smiles") and hear how natural that sounds, then do the same for the "gossip" line for what I mean.  There is no reason why you can't just sing the up/gossip line more naturally and end the word a hair before the first down beat of the next measure.  I think the variance might actualy enhance the song.

        Really cool tune, Rick.  Glad to see you stopping by again.


        I agree.

        I've noticed that whenever you have reservations about a line or phrase you "speak-sing" it, or kind of toss it away, vocally.

        I hesitate to make further comment on the lyric since the lyricist isn't a participant in this forum. That said, I tend to agree with Lee Knight's points.

        Love the bass, by the way. LOVE IT!


    • #4

      Monkey, Oswlek, Lee, LCK,

      Thanks fellows.

      Based on your comments, I *finally*

      <div class="signaturecontainer"><i>&quot;Now and then... occasionally... it seems to have.... too many notes&quot;</i><br></div>

      Comment


      • Oswlek
        Oswlek commented
        Editing a comment

        Rick, your mp3 confirms my belief in the idea, it is only the execution that is off. 

         

        On the first two lines, you tack on a weird sound at the end of each line.  Do that again for line three (though perhaps playing a different note since you change the chords), and don't bring in the kick until after that measure.  It is the abrupt start of the full percussion that makes it sound strange, not the dropping of the 4th line.


      • LCK
        LCK commented
        Editing a comment

        rickidoo wrote:

        LCK

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