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Deprivation - IGNORE! BLUE CAN YOU CLOSE?

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  • Deprivation - IGNORE! BLUE CAN YOU CLOSE?

    IGNORE......

     

     

     

     

     

    Since i really haven't written anything since November, I was digging through the archives to see if anything might be lurking down there and found this number.  It is more in line with the stuff I used to write that strained my range, but I think I could pull this one off.  I've always like the melody and flow, but the lyrics simply haven't stood up over time.  I wrote them back in my artsy-fartsy days when obscure references full of negative imagery were enough for me to call a completed lyric.

     

    It is supposed to be a social commentary, but it really falls short of the mark.  I don't think this is ever going to be a Bruce Springsteen or Bob Dylan style storytelling tune, but I know I need to work something more direct into here.  Is anything at all salvageable in this mess?  Other than the refrain, I mean?

     

    (recorded back in 2009 - be forewarned....)

    http://picosong.com/nqzn

    ------------------------------------------

    Wait here for me
    What do you see
    Disease in our beds
    Filth lining our streets

    Under the doctrine of
    Narcissistic reign
    Just pop another pill
    To kill the pain

    Soon we'll see
    It is not that easy

    REFRAIN
    Deprivation in my (your/our) soul
    Deprivation and down I (you/we) go

    You know it's the truth
    Withering you (I know you feel it to)
    Court's in session
    What will you do

    You can wish
    But you can't escape this

    REFRAIN X 2

    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012

  • #2

    Ha!  44 views and not one comment!  I guess this one is going back in the trash bin.....

    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012

    Comment


    • LCK
      LCK commented
      Editing a comment

      Oswlek wrote:

      Ha!  44 views and not one comment!  I guess this one is going back in the trash bin.....


      It was 1) the strained prosody and 2) the hyperbole that made me less than enthusiastic.

      There are some good things about the song. It just didn't click for me.



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