Members Oswlek Posted February 12, 2013 Members Share Posted February 12, 2013 Edit: I posted a vid with a better recording with a touch of mixing (delay, reverb) OK, here you go, have at it. I'm not sure if there is anything really here, but it was fun and I find it strangely compelling for something with no obvious hook. http://picosong.com/nyxi--------------------------------------It's dead... dead in hereIt's dead.... dead in here This used to be a place of hopeWhere inspiration flowedIt used to be.....But now I see It's dead in hereIt's dead... dead in here Scattered papers in the dustOld footprints are all that's left of usThe curtain's drawn....Our haven's gone It's dead... dead in here---------------------------------------------- On another thread, Blue misread "haven" as "raven" and I'm seriously considering changing it. I'm also nearly certain I'm misuing the curtain imagery, any ideas to correct? All other suggestions are welcome, of course. Encouraged, even (cue Snagglepuss...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 12, 2013 Members Share Posted February 12, 2013 Oswlek wrote: It's dead... dead in here It's dead.... dead in here This used to be a place of hope Where inspiration flowed It used to be..... But now I see It's dead in here It's dead... dead in here Scattered papers in the dust Old footprints are all that's left of us The curtain's drawn.... Our haven's gone It's dead... dead in here Very nice. Great guitar work, really nice melody. The lyric is really good too.I only felt there was one section (in bold) that I felt needed a little more work, but I don't know if you'll agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 12, 2013 Moderators Share Posted February 12, 2013 I love it as is. Really, really cool. Pretty freaking depressing... but honest and true. And if it's honest, and it is... well, so be it. Really very well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 12, 2013 Author Members Share Posted February 12, 2013 LCK wrote: Oswlek wrote: It's dead... dead in here It's dead.... dead in here This used to be a place of hope Where inspiration flowed It used to be..... But now I see It's dead in here It's dead... dead in here Scattered papers in the dust Old footprints are all that's left of us The curtain's drawn.... Our haven's gone It's dead... dead in here Very nice. Great guitar work, really nice melody. The lyric is really good too. I only felt there was one section (in bold) that I felt needed a little more work, but I don't know if you'll agree.Thanks, Lee. I'm not attached to anything if you have some ideas. What is it about the lines that you don't like? The off-kilter rhyme? Too bland? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 15, 2013 Members Share Posted February 15, 2013 Oswlek wrote: It's dead... dead in here It's dead.... dead in here This used to be the place to meet Where inspiration flowed It used to be..... But now I see Just a tiny suggestion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members blue2blue Posted February 15, 2013 Members Share Posted February 15, 2013 A couple of tiny rough spots, performance-wise, but, overall, very neat, very dreamy. And, though this isn't the video forum (there is one ), I have to say I really love the look of that vid. It has its cake and eats it, too, in terms of being both cool looking and unpretentious. (It is unnerving that the camera seems to move from time to time, but only from the point of view of someone trying to figure out why it's moving. That doesn't really interfere with the vibe at all. But for ob-com types like myself, the need to know can be overwhelming. = D ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 15, 2013 Author Members Share Posted February 15, 2013 blue2blue wrote: A couple of tiny rough spots, performance-wise, but, overall, very neat, very dreamy. And, though this isn't the video forum (there is one ), I have to say I really love the look of that vid. It has its cake and eats it, too, in terms of being both cool looking and unpretentious. (It is unnerving that the camera seems to move from time to time, but only from the point of view of someone trying to figure out why it's moving. That doesn't really interfere with the vibe at all. But for ob-com types like myself, the need to know can be overwhelming. = D ) Thanks, Blue. So there are only a couple of rough spots? Damn! I've come a long way! Live takes used to be one giant rough spot. Regarding the moving vid, apparently I turned on the motion sensor on the camera, so it reacts if I stray too far from center. I wish it had some deeper meaning, but that is all there is to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rickidoo Posted February 17, 2013 Members Share Posted February 17, 2013 Quite beautiful, as expected. I know this is result of a song challenge. But it has the making of a good song - not neccersarily with these lyrics per say. Add a hook, and a compelling heartfelt story and it will work quite nicely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 17, 2013 Author Members Share Posted February 17, 2013 rickidoo wrote: Quite beautiful, as expected. I know this is result of a song challenge. But it has the making of a good song - not neccersarily with these lyrics per say. Add a hook, and a compelling heartfelt story and it will work quite nicely. Ha! This reminds me of a joke my buddy and I used to saying to one another... "It would be a good song if you just change the melody a little, maybe tweaked the lyrics here and there, got a new singer and switched up the guitar in certain places...." I know what you mean, Rick, but I think this I'm content with this one at the moment. I am still running through ideas for the first two lines, but the structure of the tune isn't going to change, despite the lack of a true hook or normal layout. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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