Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 21, 2013 Moderators Share Posted February 21, 2013 First draft from lunch. I don't know...BOOM-BOOM Thwack! beat Last Chance For Mary Jane, etc. *Updating here as I go Never Easy to Forget V1 He's lighting one off the otherIn a chain of nerves and sweatEach drag burns like an angry loverHis hair is wringing wetHe rolled the dice now he'll the priceCause he'd never hedge his betSome things are hard to rememberAnd never easy to forget V2Thinking about how he got hereSome crazy chain of eventsSometimes his mem'ry's unclearBut this is crystal as it getsAll in or nothing in his worldAnd a copy of the racing gazetteSome things are hard to rememberAnd never easy to forget BridgeIt was such a simple planAs much as any plan... can beParlay his cash with a sure thingExcept he had no cash... to bringSo he talks to the hatchet manWho sometimes talks to also-rans... and used-to-besHow come we see what we only wanna see? V3He orders another; waitingStreet level of a downtown glass towerThere'll be no negotiatingThis bar stinks of powerHe rolled the dice now he pays the priceFeeling stupid but there's no regretSome things are hard to rememberAnd never easy to forgetIt's hard to rememberAnd impossible to forget Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 21, 2013 Author Moderators Share Posted February 21, 2013 I see I rhymed other with other. I'm on it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 21, 2013 Author Moderators Share Posted February 21, 2013 He's lighting one off the otherIn a chain of nerves and sweatFeeling buried, feeling smotheredHis hair is wringing wet He's lighting one off the otherIn a chain of nerves and sweatFinish one, start anotherHis hair is wringing wet He's lighting one off the otherIn a chain of nerves and sweatFool # 1, none otherHis hair is wringing wet He's lighting one off the otherIn a chain of nerves and sweatHoly Jesus, Holy MotherHis hair is wringing wet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted February 21, 2013 Members Share Posted February 21, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: First draft from lunch. I don't know... BOOM-BOOm Thwack! beat Last Chance For Mary Jane, etc. Never Easy to Forget He's lighting one off the other In a chain of nerves and sweat If it's not one thing it's anotherHis hair is wringing wetSo you roll the diceAnd you pay the priceAnd you never hedge your bet Some things are hard to remember And never easy to forget Thinking about how he got here Some crazy chain of events Sometimes his mem'ry's unclear But this one's clear as it gets All in or nothing In his world And a copy of the racing gazette Some things are hard to remember And never easy to forget He orders another; waiting Street level of a downtown glass tower There'll be no negotiatingThis bar stinks of power He rolled the dice Now he pays the price Feeling stupid but there's no regret Some things are hard to remember And never easy to forget It's hard to remember And impossible to forget I bolded some areas that jumped out at me as being problematic.1) "His hair is" feels to generic, that you could get something more colorful, even if remained about the hair.2) Not sure what the switch from "he" to "you" is all about.3) "Unclear" feels like it is there for the rhyme, especially with "clear" right there in the next line.Ultimately, though, the biggest problem I have is that, for a song with quite a few words, I really haven't a clue what is going on. I see the small picture and appreciate his concern, but think that more backstory is warranted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted February 21, 2013 Members Share Posted February 21, 2013 Oswlek wrote: I bolded some areas that jumped out at me as being problematic. I don't know. It's just a first draft. And I have to say, I love it as is. It's fan-frickin'-tastic, even with the repeat rhymes.I don't suppose there's a bridge in the works somewhere to help ease Justin's mind a little? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted February 21, 2013 Author Moderators Share Posted February 21, 2013 Good stuff Justine. But the you and he should work. The you is, what do you call it, the collective you? Is that right? It's a saying. It's not him, It's like if he said, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. I wouldn't say, sometimes he wins, sometimes he loses. But your other points are understood and I agree. I'm not sure if I want to get into a back story. I'd be more tempted to trash it than invest in too much detail. And that was my main concern. Is there any inkling as to what's going on? If not, it probably gets the boot... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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