Members Oswlek Posted March 4, 2013 Members Share Posted March 4, 2013 EDIT: Most up-to-date rewrite in post #33 recorded an updated demo. Knocked it down a half-step and took some time getting to know the melody, both of which really help the singing. Added a few choice words to make it flow better for me, which are in bold below. Am I ready to start pounding on some female vocalist's doors?http://picosong.com/njHnV1Summer's hereBut you are thereProbably without a single care in the worldI have mineFrom time to time, my love If only I'dGiven up my pride C1Oh stay with meI should have asked you Stay with meWhy'd I not ask you? V2 (female vocal)Summer's goneAnd so am IProbably while I am here lying awakeYou're not aloneOr even home, my love I'd still be thereIf you had dared to C2Stay with meYou could have asked me Stay with meWhy'd you not ask me? B (harmonized from here on out)I miss you love x3 C1 repeats----------------------------- Original post below...... I was browsing some musicians together vids and came across one that I thought would sound cool if it had more melodic development. When trying to hash out some ideas for his song, this one popped out. The opening lines of the verses are likely too similar to post without crediting him, but I think the piece is workable. Just a simple duet between two estranged lovers who both think they other must be doing better than they are.Any ideas on the missing or red lines? Any others need help? All feedback on melody, flow, etc. is also appreciated. Not my best singing job but is should get the idea across.http://picosong.com/njcNV1Summer's hereBut you are thereProbably without a care in the worldBut I have mineAll the time, my love, Oh noIf only I'dXXXXXXX my pride COh stay with meAll that I ask of youStay with meWhy'd I not ask you V2 (female vocal)Summer's goneAnd so am IProbably while I lie awakeYou're not aloneOr at home, my love, oh noI'd still be thereIf you had dared to C2Stay with meAll that I ask of youStay with meWhy'd you not ask me to B (harmonized from here on out)I miss you love x3 C Thanks everyone. FWIW, here is the vid I mentioned above. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members rhino55 Posted March 4, 2013 Members Share Posted March 4, 2013 What does being prideful have to do with being worrier? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Lee Knight Posted March 4, 2013 Moderators Share Posted March 4, 2013 I love the melody. Really cool. Kind of 50's rock and roll torch song. Orbison et al. Some small things I heard in the chorus that might be changed to get it to pop rhythmically and to tie it up neater grammatically. For it to be clear and direct... Oh stay with meIt's all that I'd ask of youStay with meWhy didn't I ask you to To me, ^ that ^ needs to be direct. Clear and to the point. And... ...I'm not real clear on what the rhyme scheme is in the tow verses. I see where the rhymes are but there are also some near rhymes and not sure if they are intended to be rhymed or not. Could you add (a) and (b) etc. at each rhyme so we know what you're going for? It sounds great but I beleive it would really be happening with a clear idea of how the rhymes are playing out... Nice new tune. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 4, 2013 Author Members Share Posted March 4, 2013 rhino55 wrote: What does being prideful have to do with being worrier? Pride is why he didn't ask her to stay in the first place. He isn't a worrier, he is just upset about his decision to let her go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 4, 2013 Author Members Share Posted March 4, 2013 Lee Knight wrote: I love the melody. Really cool. Kind of 50's rock and roll torch song. Orbison et al. Some small things I heard in the chorus that might be changed to get it to pop rhythmically and to tie it up neater grammatically. For it to be clear and direct... Oh stay with meIt's all that I'd ask of youStay with meWhy didn't I ask you to To me, ^ that ^ needs to be direct. Clear and to the point. And... ...I'm not real clear on what the rhyme scheme is in the tow verses. I see where the rhymes are but there are also some near rhymes and not sure if they are intended to be rhymed or not. Could you add (a) and (b) etc. at each rhyme so we know what you're going for? It sounds great but I beleive it would really be happening with a clear idea of how the rhymes are playing out... Nice new tune. Thanks Lee. Re rhymes, it is like this:Summer's hereBut you are there (A) Probably without a care (A) in the worldBut I have mine(B)All the time (B), my love, Oh noIf only I'd © XXXXXXX my pride © The fact that there is a strong "i" sound in B and C is purely coincidental. As for being clear and direct, I understand the meaning of those words, but I'm not quite getting what you mean in application with this tune. Care to elaborate on that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members LCK Posted March 4, 2013 Members Share Posted March 4, 2013 Oswlek wrote: EDIT: Most up-to-date rewrite in post #11. Any ideas on the missing or red lines? Any others need help? All feedback on melody, flow, etc. is also appreciated. Not my best singing job but is should get the idea across. http://picosong.com/njcN V1 Summer's here But you are there Probably without a care in the world But I have mine All the time, my love , Oh no If only I'd give up (forget) my pride C Oh stay with me All that I ask of you Stay with me Why'd I not ask you V2 (female vocal) Summer's gone And so am I Probably while I lie awake You're not alone Or at home, my love , oh no I'd still be there If you had dared to C2 Stay with me All that I ask of you Stay with me Why'd you not ask me to B (harmonized from here on out) I miss you love x3 I think it's terrific. I don't think you need to change much of anything except the two bits I crossed out, and add something like what I did in the 1st verse. Oh, yeah, there's one other thing. You might try singing it in a lower key! But that's it as far as I'm concerned, man! It's pretty much cooked and ready to serve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Oswlek Posted March 4, 2013 Author Members Share Posted March 4, 2013 LCK wrote: Oswlek wrote: EDIT: Most up-to-date rewrite in post #11. Any ideas on the missing or red lines? Any others need help? All feedback on melody, flow, etc. is also appreciated. Not my best singing job but is should get the idea across. http://picosong.com/njcN V1 Summer's here But you are there Probably without a care in the world But I have mine All the time, my love , Oh no If only I'd give up (forget) my pride C Oh stay with me All that I ask of you Stay with me Why'd I not ask you V2 (female vocal) Summer's gone And so am I Probably while I lie awake You're not alone Or at home, my love , oh no I'd still be there If you had dared to C2 Stay with me All that I ask of you Stay with me Why'd you not ask me to B (harmonized from here on out) I miss you love x3 I think it's terrific. I don't think you need to change much of anything except the two bits I crossed out, and add something like what I did in the 1st verse. Oh, yeah, there's one other thing. You might try singing it in a lower key! But that's it as far as I'm concerned, man! It's pretty much cooked and ready to serve. Thanks Lee! I totally agree about the key, this really strains me. I actually tried going down, but something about leaving E stripped the emotion. Even going up to sing down didn't work. Sometimes that happens initially and I can change later, so we'll see. Otherwise it'll have to be one I can only pull off in a studio. As for the lyric, I have to admit I'm surprised you like it as is. I think I like the Leek inspired version a little better, which as of now is: V1 Summer's here But you are there Probably without a care in the world But I have mine From time to time, my love, Oh no If only I'd Given up my pride C Oh stay with me It should've been so easy to say Stay with me It should've been, but XXXXXXX V2 (female vocal) Summer's gone And so am I Probably while I just lieawake You're not alone Or even at home, my love, oh no I'd still be there If you had dared to C2 Oh stay with me It should've been so easy to say Stay with me It should've been, but XXXXXXX I just realized that "bite back" isn't quite right because it is supposed to be past tense. "Given up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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