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Stay With Me - Alt Chorus Demo pg3

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  • Stay With Me - Alt Chorus Demo pg3

    EDIT:  Most up-to-date rewrite in post #33

     recorded an updated demo. Knocked it down a half-step and took some time getting to know the melody, both of which really help the singing. Added a few choice words to make it flow better for me, which are in bold below. Am I ready to start pounding on some female vocalist's doors?

    http://picosong.com/njHn

    V1

    Summer's here

    But you are there

    Probably without a single care in the world

    I have mine

    From time to time, my love

    If only I'd

    Given up my pride

     

    C1

    Oh stay with me

    I should have asked you

    Stay with me

    Why'd I not ask you?

     

    V2 (female vocal)

    Summer's gone

    And so am I

    Probably while I am here lying awake

    You're not alone

    Or even home, my love

    I'd still be there

    If you had dared to

     

    C2

    Stay with me

    You could have asked me

    Stay with me

    Why'd you not ask me?

     

    B (harmonized from here on out)

    I miss you love x3

     

    C1 repeats

    -----------------------------

     

    Original post below.....

    .

     

    I was browsing some musicians together vids and came across one that I thought would sound cool if it had more melodic development.  When trying to hash out some ideas for his song, this one popped out.  The opening lines of the verses are likely too similar to post without crediting him, but I think the piece is workable.  Just a simple duet between two estranged lovers who both think they other must be doing better than they are.

    Any ideas on the missing or red lines?  Any others need help?  All feedback on melody, flow, etc. is also appreciated.  Not my best singing job but is should get the idea across.

    http://picosong.com/njcN

    V1

    Summer's here

    But you are there

    Probably without a care in the world

    But I have mine

    All the time, my love, Oh no

    If only I'd

    XXXXXXX my pride

     

    C

    Oh stay with me

    All that I ask of you

    Stay with me

    Why'd I not ask you

     

    V2 (female vocal)

    Summer's gone

    And so am I

    Probably while I lie awake

    You're not alone

    Or at home, my love, oh no

    I'd still be there

    If you had dared to

     

    C2

    Stay with me

    All that I ask of you

    Stay with me

    Why'd you not ask me to

     

    B (harmonized from here on out)

    I miss you love x3

     

    C

     

    Thanks everyone.  FWIW, here is the vid I mentioned above.

    Don't listen to Justin.
    LCK - 2/21/2012

  • #2
    What does being prideful have to do with being worrier?
    ...

    Comment


    • Oswlek
      Oswlek commented
      Editing a comment

      rhino55 wrote:
      What does being prideful have to do with being worrier?

      Pride is why he didn't ask her to stay in the first place.   He isn't a worrier, he is just upset about his decision to let her go.


  • #3

    I love the melody. Really cool. Kind of 50's rock and roll torch song. Orbison et al. Some small things I heard in the chorus that might be changed to get it to pop rhythmically and to tie it up neater grammatically. For it to be clear and direct...

     

    Oh stay with me

    It's all that I'd ask of you

    Stay with me

    Why didn't I ask you to

     

    To me, ^ that ^ needs to be direct. Clear and to the point. And...

     

    ...I'm not real clear on what the rhyme scheme is in the tow verses. I see where the rhymes are but there are also some near rhymes and not sure if they are intended to be rhymed or not. Could you add (a) and (b) etc. at each rhyme so we know what you're going for? It sounds great but I beleive it would really be happening with a clear idea of how the rhymes are playing out...

     

    Nice new tune.

    __________
    Ain't no sacrilege to call Elvis king
    Dad is great and all but he never could sing -
    Jesus

    Comment


    • Oswlek
      Oswlek commented
      Editing a comment

      Lee Knight wrote:

      I love the melody. Really cool. Kind of 50's rock and roll torch song. Orbison et al. Some small things I heard in the chorus that might be changed to get it to pop rhythmically and to tie it up neater grammatically. For it to be clear and direct...

       

      Oh stay with me

      It's all that I'd ask of you

      Stay with me

      Why didn't I ask you to

       

      To me, ^ that ^ needs to be direct. Clear and to the point. And...

       

      ...I'm not real clear on what the rhyme scheme is in the tow verses. I see where the rhymes are but there are also some near rhymes and not sure if they are intended to be rhymed or not. Could you add (a) and (b) etc. at each rhyme so we know what you're going for? It sounds great but I beleive it would really be happening with a clear idea of how the rhymes are playing out...

       

      Nice new tune.


      Thanks Lee.  Re rhymes, it is like this:

      Summer's here

      But you are there (A)

      Probably without a care (A) in the world

      But I have mine(B)

      All the time (B), my love, Oh no

      If only I'd (C)

      XXXXXXX my pride (C)

      The fact that there is a strong "i" sound in B and C is purely coincidental.

       

      As for being clear and direct, I understand the meaning of those words, but I'm not quite getting what you mean in application with this tune.  Care to elaborate on that?


  • #4

    Oswlek wrote:

    EDIT:  Most up-to-date rewrite in post #11.

    Any ideas on the missing or red lines?  Any others need help?  All feedback on melody, flow, etc. is also appreciated.  Not my best singing job but is should get the idea across.

    http://picosong.com/njcN

    V1
    Summer's here
    But you are there
    Probably without a care in the world
    But I have mine
    All the time, my love, Oh no
    If only I'd
    give up (forget) my pride
     
    C
    Oh stay with me
    All that I ask of you
    Stay with me
    Why'd I not ask you
     
    V2 (female vocal)
    Summer's gone
    And so am I
    Probably while I lie awake
    You're not alone
    Or at home, my love, oh no
    I'd still be there
    If you had dared to
     
    C2
    Stay with me
    All that I ask of you
    Stay with me
    Why'd you not ask me to
     
    B (harmonized from here on out)
    I miss you love x3

    I think it's terrific. I don't think you need to change much of anything except the two bits I crossed out, and add something like what I did in the 1st verse.

    Oh, yeah, there's one other thing. You might try singing it in a lower key! .png" alt=":smileywink:" title="Smiley Wink" />

    But that's it as far as I'm concerned, man! It's pretty much cooked and ready to serve.

    “Good Vibrations” was probably a good record but who's to know? You had to play it about 90 bloody times to even hear what they were singing about. What’s next? Rock opera? —Pete Townshend, Melody Maker Interview, 1966.

    Comment


    • Oswlek
      Oswlek commented
      Editing a comment

      LCK wrote:

      Oswlek wrote:

      EDIT:  Most up-to-date rewrite in post #11.

      Any ideas on the missing or red lines?  Any others need help?  All feedback on melody, flow, etc. is also appreciated.  Not my best singing job but is should get the idea across.

      http://picosong.com/njcN

      V1
      Summer's here
      But you are there
      Probably without a care in the world
      But I have mine
      All the time, my love, Oh no
      If only I'd
      give up (forget) my pride
       
      C
      Oh stay with me
      All that I ask of you
      Stay with me
      Why'd I not ask you
       
      V2 (female vocal)
      Summer's gone
      And so am I
      Probably while I lie awake
      You're not alone
      Or at home, my love, oh no
      I'd still be there
      If you had dared to
       
      C2
      Stay with me
      All that I ask of you
      Stay with me
      Why'd you not ask me to
       
      B (harmonized from here on out)
      I miss you love x3

      I think it's terrific. I don't think you need to change much of anything except the two bits I crossed out, and add something like what I did in the 1st verse.

      Oh, yeah, there's one other thing. You might try singing it in a lower key! .png" alt=":smileywink:" title="Smiley Wink" />

      But that's it as far as I'm concerned, man! It's pretty much cooked and ready to serve.


      Thanks Lee!  I totally agree about the key, this really strains me.  I actually tried going down, but something about leaving E stripped the emotion.  Even going up to sing down didn't work.  Sometimes that happens initially and I can change later, so we'll see.  Otherwise it'll have to be one I can only pull off in a studio. 

      As for the lyric, I have to admit I'm surprised you like it as is.  I think I like the Leek inspired version a little better, which as of now is:

      V1

      Summer's here

      But you are there

      Probably without a care in the world

      But I have mine

      From time to time, my love, Oh no

      If only I'd

      Given up my pride

       

      C

      Oh stay with me

      It should've been so easy to say

      Stay with me

      It should've been, but XXXXXXX

       

      V2 (female vocal)

      Summer's gone

      And so am I

      Probably while I just lieawake

      You're not alone

      Or even at home, my love, oh no

      I'd still be there

      If you had dared to

       

      C2

      Oh stay with me

      It should've been so easy to say

      Stay with me

      It should've been, but XXXXXXX

       

      I just realized that "bite back" isn't quite right because it is supposed to be past tense.  "Given up













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